The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
They're sitting on mine right now. Another letter came in the mail today. And I quote, "I know you asked for no contact but I just can't do it." "I think I know I screwed up, but come on ..." "you are my only friend" I am the least violent person in the world but I swear right now if I could get within 2 feet of my xah I would whack him over the head with my purseafter I kicked him in the shin.
The angel and I wrote a reply, the first reply in months after asking for no contact. It's a letter reaffirming my request for no contact. No interest in being friends, no interest ... done, finished, goodbye.
Then I played a cd a friend gave me to replace one of the hundreds he pawned, and heard a song with lyrics "baby light my fire, everything you drop is so tired". And wouldn't you know that other little one on the other shoulder wants to send that instead just to incite the game. I want to lead him on, I want to make him believe, I want to break his heart. I hate him and his disease as much as I once loved him.
The worst part is every line in his letter is something I would have fallen for at one time. As much as I say I hate him, it's myself I hate for once reading or hearing that crap, believing it and causing harm to myself, my family, my whole life. All he is doing really is what worked so many times before.
So my decision about the letters is made. I don't really want to play the game or lash out at anyone. What I am questioning is if reading these letters is something that will give me strength and reinforce my toolbox and skills? Is it good to have at least an idea of where his thinking is for my own protection? Am I making excuses to keep one little safe contact with him? That thought is so replusive. Just how does it happen that I could care for someone so much and now be horrified that they have knowledge of who I was and am inside. It's just a yucky feeling, slimy almost.
Aloha Jen...this is a good thread and you might read "hook" earlier on. You and only you know how to be really honest about this one. Get out the honesty tool and use it. In support (((((hugs)))))
Forgive YOUrself for falling for the lies, promises. I understand all about second guessing your actions in early recovery and the pulls, triggers are so easy for us bc it is so familiar. What ur doing is new, scary and totally different with no contact.
Kudos on sending back, the affirmation of ur boundary and not explaining, arguing or justifying. Saying, "come on u know I have no friends" -yikes- how manipulative! Even if that is true, it certainly is not your responsibility to put yourself in an uncomfortable situation to appease someone else, whew! He's in jail with lots of other people around, surely he can make a friend there.
"I think I know I screwed up..." -- he thinks? He cant even admit it! Dont count on an apology or an ability to understand your feelings on his part. It wont happen. He is trying to manipulate you into playing that game with him. He's in denial, u dont have to be.
Keep taking care of YOU!!!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
It sounds as if you are really getting wise to the temptation. But what nerve of him to say "I know you asked for contact but I can't do it"! -- since when does he get veto power over your decisions? I have to hold my head and laugh at the same time, it reminds me of so many manipulative things my own A has said. However, if he got you to reply, he's starting to creep back in, isn't he? It's so, so hard when they press against our boundaries. And I know how incredibly hard it is not to reply when they hold out those hooks. Sometimes I practically have to weigh myself down with a 16-ton weight to keep myself from staying in contact, even though I know from long and bitter experience that being in contact would make me miserable.
I hope you can fill your life with other good things and keep taking care of yourself!
Alright, I got done being offended by the letter and got over the large portion of anger ... . I have to remind myself also when i have moments of anger that are out of my normal nature that I have been on a steroid medication for over a year now, it's proven to keep the attacks on my eyes at bay so I have to take them. Well i want to take them if they help me keep my vision but every so often I know that my emotions are amplified by them.
Mattie, I love your image of holding your head and laughing at the same time because that is basically what I normally do. Kitty, thank you for pointing out he has plenty of oppurtunity to make friends right now. I had never thought of that. And of course Jerry, thank you, you always give the best hugs at the perfect times
So today, I thought about my questions and took soem action. I am not keeping the safe communication line for any purpose for myself. I really am just fine with the thought of never hearing, seeing or speaking to him again. A part of me will always love and care about him, another part of me will always hate him also, no matter how well adjusted I can possibly become. 95 out of 100 days now I am just indifferent, not a bad average. Do I need to keep a way of watching for dangerous signs? Nope I already have a good idea of what goes on in his head, I doubt there will be any major change good or bad. And I found a program that will notify me prior to his release so I do not have to spend any time worrying that he will show up on my doorstep without me at least knowing it is possible. I also requested the papers to formally request thru the prison that he not be able to correspond with me. Pretty much covers my concerns and reinforces my decisions and boundaries.
Everytime I listen to the "devil" I regret it and pay the price big time! It has taken me a long time to connect the action with the pain, and though I still slip sometimes, I now can see it and realize what I should have done differently.
Sounds like you figured it out. Way to take care of you! Great testament to having choices.
Thanks for the post.
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I realize I am human. I am going to feel anger. I am learning that once it comes up I need to step back and look at it. Is it possible to turn that anger into love? Sometimes. On the rare occasion I am able to take that lump of anger and mold it, reshape it, make it into compassion and understanding. On other occasions it pops up and I step back and look at it and realize that I am not done with it yet. Sometimes I lash out and say bad things that end up hurting myself and others. Sometimes I can fake it and do the right thing although the underlying anger is still there. Most of the time I can't turn it into love, but am proud of my successes and doing so I realize it is possible and with more practice I will get better. And I have to be ok with that. I have to say "well, I guess I am not done with that" and put it back in my box of resentments knowing full well the only person it is hurting is me. I do it. I do it often. Even after working the steps I still hold resentments from my past - and I just have to be ok with it. I have faith in my heart that someday, as I continue to grow spiritually, that I will continue to make progress and let these thing go, but I am human and will continue to be so for the rest of my life. Just an imperfect human being doing the best I can.
For me the realization that I am capable of doing this is enough. Trying to do my best but failing is ok. But if I don't try, failure is insured.
Be gentle with yourself. Your are exactly where you are supposed to be.
tlc
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
I have this wonderful 'tool' that helps me when I am torn between what to do and what not to do. I write letters to those that I want to hear what I have to say....write it all down, everything I am feeling...sometimes I write TWO letters - one for 'I am angry'..and the other for 'I am sorry' type struggles within me...to allow for that 'angel' on one shoulder...and the 'devil' on the other. This gets everything out - FOR ME! Many times, putting it into words - without the person hearing them - helps me THROUGH it...rarely do I send the actual letters, but it allows me to FEEL and SAY what I need to feel and say...
Perhaps this is a tool you can use to both appease that angel/devil who seemingly linger when times find us confused and so full of emotion :o) It works for ME!
Good luck!
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...He compared his weathered hand to mine and said, ... GROWTH OF THE MIND AND HEART are the best offers you can give.my Grandfather (Keeper of Stories), to me
