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Out of the blue my AH-separated filed for custody of our daughter, alimony and child support. He moved out 15 months ago to a town 4 hours away. Our daughter visits him as often as practical given the distance. I have been her primary caretaker since birth and she has lived with me since he left.
I talked to him on the phone the other night and got him to admit that his parents have been fueling fires on his end and he agreed to meet with me tonight to discuss how we can resolve this without having to go to court. Wish me luck, I really want to avoid a lengthy and expensive custody battle. I have every confidence I would win, but the process would be unpleasant to say the least.
(((((((babysteps)))))), Sending prayers your way girl. Stay strong. Take care of yourself today and maybe have something nice planned for you after you are done talking to him. Just my ESH I do this when I know I will be seeing my ex. My ex is very toxic and can meeting with him can be really draining.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
I can only say that from my experience trusting someone NOT capable of being trusted proved to be a very expensive and painful lesson for me.
If AH has filed papers - you might want to seek legal advise - prayerfully you and he may be able to resolve the issue outside the court room walls - but if not - the longer you wait - the harder it is.
Each state is different and each state has complicated laws - You would think in this day and time with all the knowledge the world has of addiction, the disease of alcoholism and how families are affected - there would be some protection for how we are affected - but the legal systems do not take the majority of that into their decision making process.
For me, it is hard to look at my situation without the emotional factor - but I had to because I had to actually fight for LOTS of things and still lost financially. I know I won in the long run because of the serenity and safety I gained - but hindsight - if I had been better prepared - I may have been able save myself some grief, pain and HUGE financial and emotional losses.
Wishing you and your daughter your HP's very best, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I agree, Get a lawyer. Now. No matter what you can or can't work out between the two of you, you need a lawyer to represent you in the legal aspects of this.
In my experience, my A ex-H would get ideas of going for custody every time he got angry -- it was a way of getting at me and also of trying to deny his alcoholism, like saying, "See! I might be just as worthy as anyone to have custody of a child! You can't say I'm not!"
But my lawyer said that unless something has changed greatly, the courts would always go with the current arrangement. So if he sees our son every Sunday for four hours, and our son lives with me and I take care of him the rest of the time, the courts would see no reason to change that arrangement, because that's what our son is used to.
I haven't tested this in the courts because when it comes to actually hiring a lawyer and spending money, my ex has backed down every time. I just calmly say, "Hmm, well, we'll see" and don't engage. And when push comes to shove, he doesn't go any further. I know this is not the case for everyone.
I would worry that your ex is using this threat as a chance to engage with you again and get re-enmeshed. Any situation in which you have to persuade him to do something or not to do it, he has the power over you. It keeps you hooked in. We already know from experience that we can't control them.
It might even be useful to let him go ahead (even if he does hire a lawyer, which he might not do). If he goes to court and spends all that money and doesn't get any more than he has right now, that would reduce his power to threaten you with this. Right now he can threaten to do it any time he wants, and keep you playing the game. But if he wants to spend thousands trying for a very uncertain outcome, well, he might see exactly how fruitless an option that is. Getting the advice of a lawyer now for you might save you a lot of anxiety (and expense) down the line. I don't know what the right course is for you, but it's something to consider.
Aloha Babysteps...What an invitation to be insane if you don't take your program and the lessons for practice. This brings up experiences I've had for myself where the program saved my a-- while I didn't get my expectations completely filled.
Program stuff? Slogans, steps, principles and more. Set boundaries for myself not for the alcoholic because of course it is my a-- which I want to take home with me not theirs. Boundaries for myself? how I will respond and act while in a condition I am afraid of and confused about (always). Principles? My sponsor and the program taught me the value of being Fair, Honest and Just and that always didn't come automatically so I got to take another tool...Patience. If I tried to settle immediately the chances are that I would try to with reaction rather than responsiveness. Patience means that I give myself and the other person the opportunity to think about what we are trying to do and come back at a later time for more discussion. The slogans here for me are "Easy does it" , "One step at a time", "Let go and Let God", "Think", "Acceptance is the solution to all of my problems" and that last one means that where ever we end up in the discussion and plan I get to accept that is the way it is until the next time. There will always be a "next time" and acceptance takes the threat away from fear of it. Acceptance also means for me that there are fewer differences between me and the alcoholic than there are similarities. That helps my understanding.
So for me...take your program, your sponsor's phone number and of course always take your Higher Power. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 31st of March 2010 03:47:52 PM
