The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am really feeling broken today and wondering "Can you really ever have a happy marriage with your A"? Right now I have such a hate for him and how much he has hurt me over the years, I just can't see any type of relationship with him. I was looking back yesterday at when I first joined MIP and I cannot believe that I am basically writing the same thing over, almost word for word. How could I have been so blind? I thought I was so much smarter than this. And now its to the point I just walk around hating my AH from the minute I wake up. Counseling appt set up for next week and hope to get back to al-anon ASAP. Just don't know how to get through the day looking at him, even if he isn't drinking.
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. In answer to your question "Can you really ever have a happy marriage with your A"? Well the answer is yes- and no. Some people do manage to and others can't. Each situation is different. I'm glad to hear you're going to counseling next week. I hope you can get to some alanon meetings between now and then. As far as hating your AH, perhaps you can feel some compassion for him? Hate the disease but not the man? Focus on you and take care of yourself, maybe spend some time talking to your HP. You'll make it through the day. (((Rose)))
It is difficult to live with someone that portrays a life that we absolutely can't stand. It's hard to live in a house where you feel everything about it is a lie.
Working on my own self, my own life and what is healthy for me - helped me reclaim my life - even while still living with the disease.
I journaled lots of those feelings, emotions, hatreds - asking my HP to heal me - FOR me - not for anyone else. It helped to know I was changing for me - not for anyone else.
Maybe try to decide - just for the next hour - do I want to fill my day will anger and hatred about HIM or do I want to fill my heart with peace, joy and love with the other good things in life - asking my HP to help me do this - helped change my attitude - Life became about ME again - It was and is a wonderful blessing.
Don't give up before the miracle happens in YOU! - You deserve it!! HUGS, Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
((((Rose)))), By taking care of me and putting the focus on me and not him I was able to be happy despite what was going on in my marriage. It really is possible to find happiness even contentment wether the alcoholic si still drinking or not.
I filed for divorce and sperated from my "A" after my safety and the safety of my children became an issue.
I hope the ESH you receive her helps you look at different things you can do for you.
Keep coming back.....we are all here for you.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
__________________
"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
I"m sorry that you are struggling so, Rose. I used to feel exactly as you do. Al Anon has helped me to focus on me and even see my part in things. It has helped me to see that I am not a victim which is so empowering. I hope that you go to counseling and also go to some Al Anon meetings. It helps so much to connect with others that understand what you are going thru. Meetings have also helped me to be busier and so not have so much time to dwell on negative things. Get busy, get better as they say :)
We have choices and I choose to be happy. I choose to not let my husband's problems and behavior dominate my life. I have a life and I choose to live it. We all have choices.
I had to forgive myself many times for beliveing the lies and being in the situations I was involved in my life bc of the A's. I had to face that I was mostly angry at myself. I did begin to take responsibility for my side in the manipuatlive relationships and stop negotiating with emotional terrorists (A's) and set boundaries for myself, so I could remove myself when I needed to, to get space. The boundaries helped me to gain self respect back and then I began to feel emotional detachment from others as I worked hard on myself.
Forgive YOU, over and over if u have to. It is very liberating and freeing from the pain we carry around. The pain, festers and gets worse & continues to hurt us, until we get willing to let it go.
Take care of YOU, whatver that looks like.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Rose- Please don't beat yourself up. I do this constantly and it does not help me at all. We all start where we start and our journey is just that - OUR JOURNEY. I, too, have read back over things I wrote - I have had numerous moments of "Getting it" but old habits die hard and I am grateful for the rooms of Alanon because others allow me my own progress on my own time.
I think most of us can relate to that feeling of being angry at the A - this palpable feeling of just wanting them to change. I agree with Kitty - that I had to forgive myself for believing the lies. Little by little though I began to awaken to my own honesty with self - that my number one priority needs to be ME. You're not alone.
thank you all for your responses. I did make it through the day yesterday. AH and I had another long talk last night, walking around the track while our son played Lacrosse. It was nice to just walk and talk, get things out in the open. Like you have all said, I need to focus more on myself and not him. Hopefully I will find the strength to do this. Thanks again.
