The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Been a long time since I have been able to get here. HALT ... I am not hungry or angry, I am lonely and tired. Full time work, 3/4 time school and that leaves enough time to sleep and play with the moostiff. My apologies for not being here to give back as much as I have recieved.
It re-entered my head tonight that every romantic relationship I have been in, the other person would rather have a beer than stay in a relationship with me. Do I really think I have less value than a beer? No, of course not. But sometimes what I think of as my self worth is not the point. It just makes me sad, that people want to drown themselves rather than be in reality. And I am using the word "want" loosely, disease, addiction, obssesion, doomed to are the meanings I am reaching for.
My xah continues to write from jail, after being told I wish for no contact for at least a couple of years. He questions why ... why ... why ... Each letter makes me wonder just what the heck he remembers from the last 15 years LOL With time and distance I can think of hundreds of answers to that question, he can't seem to find one. I do nto reply, I really mean no contact. As long as no early release options become available to him I have until Oct 2012 to live relatively worry free. It's nice.
The man i was seeing for a year, until last August or so, is still a friend and understands I have no interest in being involved romantically with anyone who drinks most days. Would have saved us both a whole bunch of time had he not hid his drinking but that is the way these things go isn't it? Main point I am happy I chose the best path for me in this case and also I am happy because he is happy off doing his own thing rather than watching me get anxious, mad and disgusted watching him do his thing. Mainly I am happy I don't have to feel anxious, mad or disgusted LOL
But I am lonely, I would like to have a romantic type friend .. you know one of those make you smile every time you see him/her people around during that 15 minutes free time I have <sigh> Tired too, mainly because of all the things i am grateful for maintaining As and Bs, my monster moostiff best friend, family and not so furry friends, my work and newly painted living room ... ZOOM the color is Marigold wowie zowie it's bright even to my legally blind eyes!
Hope you all are well, and either happy or on your way to getting happy You are all in my thoughts and prayers every single day.
Jen I found that soooo funny....You have a little time for romance and then you're off to life with or without your moostiff. Here's a (((((Hug)))))...not very romantic but it is real and really from someone who appreciates your honesty. Mahalo.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Saturday 27th of March 2010 02:36:35 AM
Jennifer, how do you do, I have just recently come back online , I was away for awhile. I just wanted to say I enjoyed your post and Im so happy your happy.
I just wanted to add that when you said something about the xah not remembering his life that struck a cord with me.
I always say to my xah on occasions that we have lunch,(he is sober now after 26 years of marriage) I always say being with you is like "Ground Hog Day" remember the movie with Bill Murray. We both have a laugh, because I get to say it everytime, because he doesnt remember when I said it last. LOl, Nice meeting you Jennifer. Glad your so busy and you have a job. Wishing you the best, Bettinad
(( jennifer )) I saw on another thread that u realized that ur not as lonely as u were with an emotionally unavailable A next to you. So kudos on that realization. When I was living alone after my exAH, I was just glad to have quiet bc he yelled incessantly.
If I were in ur shoes, Id take the letters from jail and put them into a shoebox until I was ready to read them. Give u some space in ur head. As far as the new guy u were dating goes... let me just say that as a acoa/codie - telling newly met people that u aer in alanon and recovering from living with addiction - is an invitation, an automatic "go" sign like neon for an A. We attract them bc of our willingness to self sacrficie and putting words on top of it like, my ex is an A, woo! its an invitation to use us like the door mats we are. Hope that makes sense!
So if u do plan to date, get yourself some good solid boundaires first. Dont tell them all ur junk from the past either. When we meet and date, we're all trying to put our best foot forward. For us enalbers, we are saying, please be kind bc my past has been so rough. I suggest u dont use that appraoch, even though I know ur hurting and want empathy, come here for support and keep it to alanons. No one else understands and then there are the A's that are out looking for us to enalbe them. Talk about YOU, ur likes and dislikes, ur hobbies and intersts and dont disclose that much initailly. Dating is like interviewing a potential friend to see if u want further involvement. Forcing an instant relationship or jumping into bed (like I alwasy did, as a way to get to know someone, of course) doesnt work. RElationships unfopld slowly and naturally as u get to spend time with someone. There is no rush either. In fact I found the more willing u are to take it slowly, u can sit back and actually watch it unfold gradually in its own time.
Listen with ur eyes, this person ur dating. Let them tell you who they are bc we all do it, if we simply watch behavior. See if the words match the behavior or if they are inconsistent/lying. In 12 steps we are all very used to brutal honesty. Out in the 'real world' ppl lie on thier resumes and tell lil white lies which are acceptable in society, like Im sick when I want a day off, u know... false advertising.
In the meant time, focus on loving YOU first and foremost. Practise being kind and gentle and get that good love from the inside -first- and u wont be searching for it from someone else. Set boundaries and follow thru on them for you. Then when u do find someone u enjoy and are actively dating them it will be all gravy, icing, something extra and not ur reason for being.
Take care of YOU whatever that looks like. (If u need help with boundaries, I'll PM u the 6 guidelines, let me know).
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thank you for your responses. It is a new day and I am back to having an essay to write and math to do, no time to be lonely anymore. I enjoy my time to myself so much, that when i actually do have the rare occasion of loneliness I don't know what to do with it. So i come here A hug from Jerry and meeting someone new always helps alot.
I am not planning on dating. Very little time, no interest in anyone I know already. In some ways I think I miss my male friends and brother more than anything. Marriage, cjildren and all the things like mine keep them just as busy.
I do agree with Kitty, there are alot of personal experiences better kept to one's self until I trust and know someoen else. While i tend to be extremely honest and living with an A for many years and finding my own way of recovering is a large part of who I have become and will continue being. It is not always the best info to share with others. Almost like telling someone that Old Spice makes me sneeze so they never wear it around me ... they may be splashing it on every day I don't see them for all I know. My boundaries are pretty simple, anything that makes me icky uncomfortable instead of excited uncomfortable is not allowed to be part of my life. That's why I toss the letters, some I read some I don't, either way I am not gonna carry them around with the rest of my luggage
Ahh and I better get going before I get too comfy and say forget all the other stuff LOL Thanks everyone, sending big hugs!
You are all in my thoughts and prayers every single day.