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I know the focus needs to be on me, but as much as I've tried, I'm blowin up!
I have a 19 year old neice who is always in a not-so-pleasant mood. She's a late bloomer (never went to prom, never has had a boyfriend, hasn't learned to drive). She's beautiful as far as "Hollywood" standards go......she did have a difficult life growing up......I've helped her get into college, but her negative attitude approaching things makes me not want to help her at all in anything anymore (even giving her rides to school and helping her with school things). She's become a loner basically.
She also stays at the dorms in a nearby university but since she now has a roommate, she doesn't like to be there as often. She never goes out, claims she "likes to be alone". I've been so concerned yet her ungratful attitude pushes me away...........her mother feels the exact same way (she did have bulemia and claims she doesn't anymore......is this just like dealing with an addict? has anyone here dealt with a loved one with an eating disorder as well?......she cheers up more so when she gets calls from her enstranged dad who never was around to raise her and is in jail right now...........it's unfair.
I feel like not helping her, might actually help her............earlier she needed help with filling out a financial aid form, but she hasn't been responsible keeping the things she needed to keep in order to reapply......so why should I help her if she's not helping herself? she got pissed off because of that but I frankly think she needs to grow up right now........
Aloha Rosie...That sounds like a future resentment for you. What saves my butt is when I can and then support without an expectation of any kind. Also the question "should I" needs an answer you can follow thru on regardless of her reaction. Yes or No then detach. I can hear my sponsor commenting after reading your post over my shoulder (spiritually I mean). If what you're doing is causing you trouble stop doing it...do the opposite!!. Also guilt and shame are not great motivators in making decisions to help or support another person...so what is your motive? ((((hugs))))
What you are describing sounds eearily familiar. Perhaps there is something else going on, especially since she was a "late bloomer" and having problems with social skills as in not relating well to her peers.
I am not diagosing her, but this sounds a lot like Aspergers syndrome. It is an extremely mild form of Autism, which explains the "loner" thing, relating and interracting with other people does not come naturally for them and can be stressful, that perhaps explains the not good mood most of the time.
Read up on Aspergers and see if any of it sounds familiar, either way she may benefit from some sort of evaluation to find out why she was so late in so many milestones that come easily to most of her peers.
A lot of people think that Autism and Aspergers means some sort of mental or intellectual impairment, nothing could be further from the truth, in fact, Asperger's sufferers often have slightly higher IQ's than the average population and are often very artisitic and gifted in many areas.
Bulemia is a very common way to deal with extreme stress in young adolescents and is common in Asperger's sufferers, especially those who are undiagnosed who don't get any help and support and must cope alone.
Not every problem or issue people have is due to addiction, sometimes people have neurological, mental, or emotional problems that can cause a certain level of dysfunction in their lives.
Just some ESH from someone with a family member with Asperger's who could be your niece's twin!
I have suffered from bulimia, and yes, I believe that it is an addiction. Although medical intervention may be necessary with eating disorders if someone is on the brink of death (kinda like if an alcoholic is unresponsive, you'd call an ambulance), an eating disordered person will not recover until they decide they've had enough and seek help. I recognize a lot of similarities in my AH's relationship to alcohol and self hatred and my relationship with food and self hatred. I am not a doctor and this is not advice - this is just my perception.
It meant a lot to me when someone would lovingly reach out and tell me that they were there if I needed anything - not accuse me, not try to help me, just a simple nonjudgmental statement. I sometimes reacted angrily but that was because I wasn't ready to let my addiction go yet. In retrospect, though, I understand that people noticed and cared that I wasn't okay.
I think just about any teenager is moody sometimes. :)
Blessings to you, and I hope you have a peaceful and serene day.
Thank you for all your input guys. We finally had a better heart to heart session and she admits she needs to "snap out of it" because she does realize her situation can always be worse. Luckily, she made an appointment with the school Psychologist. I know it's not easy for her, but...she knows what she has to do. It seems if I do the opposite of what I usually do, she does come around. MP, that would be something to consider, as several factors seem familiar. Yes, I agree... teenagers! Wouldn't want to be one again for that reason :)
Update: It's been months, but my neice is doing so much better.....She moved back in with family and we've been supportive and have given her the space she needs. Luckily she educated herself on eating disorders and little by little is learning how to take care of her body and her body image. This is very similar to alcoholism : psychologically........Thank you for the great insights again.
