The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today it was again. About 2 years ago my husband began drinking too much. Had always drank socially, but not to the extent of now. When it began it was "because his back hurt so much". He did break his back about 15 years ago. Then I was just trying to be understanding. Now he has had back surgery which left him with a paralyzed leg. The drinking is back big time and this time sometimes mixing with pain medicine. Since this surgery he has gotten his first DUI. I'm trying to hang on, but sometimes I just cry for hours - after he of course is asleep. I just looked upthe addresses and time for local alanon meeting, but can someone out there give me some encouraging advice NOW.
Welcome to the Board! This is the fellowship of Alanon meaning we have all been there in one form or another. This is not about you even though it impacts you greatly. This is about the disease of alcoholism. Keep trying to go to the f2f meetings, read the literature, and post here again. Sometimes we have to set boundaries around him and the disease so we don't go down with him. What I have learned about alcoholism (even though my husband doesn't drink anymore) is that the alcoholic isn't in a very good place and his self esteem is low. We don't have to accept what he does but we learn to not bash him either (and I am working on this one).
We support you. Do something nice for yourself when you feel that crying spell coming on. I cry too but I try not to stay in it too long. He isn't even aware of it and isn't crying for me that's for sure. Hmmmm, one day at a time and sometimes one hour at a time.
Yeah he's not crying, and your crying won't change his behaviour, so, if you can, get some sleep instead. I used to do things that would hurt myself (cry all night insted of sleeping, sit out on the steps waiting for him in the rain...) almost as if, if I hurt myself enough, he would feel guilty, and change his behaviour. Of course he did nothing of the kind, he just thought I was nuts. And, in a way, I was. Be good to yourself, you know that you can't count on him to.
I do appreciate any and all advice. This is relatively new to me - at least trying to deal with it in an "educated" manner. I feel inadequate that I cannot DO SOMETHING to relieve his low self esteem. This is what I think the leg problem has brought on everything else. Or maybe he just wants an excuse and I'm allowing it. God help me, I don't know and here it is 2:15 am and I'm still up struggling.
sometimes meds cause relapses. any type of mind-altering substance can be triggers for A's. they are told to avoid mouthwash for heaven's sake..........it is a serious disease.
you are powerless over this disease, over people, places and things. you did not cause it, cannot control it and did not cure it. it has made your life unmanageable. if you accept the above then you have completed step 1 of 12.
get to an alanon meeting ASAP. we also have them here online, 9:00am and 9:00 pm eastern. but face to face meetings are essential. so find one and get to one.
What a day! Today, July 11 is our 46th wedding anniversary. All I asked for was a sober day of no cooking. After breakfast out we drove to check on his truck (which he hit a curb and ruined wheels and tires while drinking), then we went to lunch. Well, that was it - he had 2 beers and 2 shots of whiskey. I drove home and he is now asleep in bed. Why was what I asked too much? In the car coming home I told him that I realized that he was the one who had to realize and own the situation, but I call him an alcoholic. His response: Well, at least you know who has to have the problem. What else????
Wow 46 years. My A and I have been married almost 7 years, I don't see us past 8 to be truthful. My A has said the same thing "Well at least we know who has the problem" It is hard to detach from their own misery. I have worked hard in the last year to change my co-dependent ways. To admit that it is his problem, that I have NO CONTROL of alcohol/drugs. Hang in there, find something nice that you can do for you.
I used to find that any kind of special day was worse. I don't know of it was that my expectaions were higher, or if he was tense and anxious, and thus needed to drink even more but I learned that if I heard myself saying something like "all I ask is that you stay sober for one day", we were headed for trouble. I spent the whole day dreading what he would do, he was sullen, resentful, and, usually, drunk. The less I based my happiness on what he did, the better things went for us.
My a also mixes meds and booze...he has a friendly pharmacist who supplies him with pres pain killers and then he drinks as well..he says this is to get away from pain. the monster arrives when he does this. he has been in icu twice..has still not reached bottom
but...
you know what?...
i reached my bottom
i got sick and tired ofbeing sick and tired
and i got with alanon
it has so saved my life
has taught me to put the focus on me...not him...very hard at first as we are so used to 'looking after' them (part of our illness as it is also controlling and enabling)
