The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi all, I posted yesterday about feeling angry about the possibility of an upcoming surgery.
In the past when I was angry, sad, lonely....pretty much any overwhelming feeling I would turn to food. I would make mashed potatoes (lol I don't know why) and that was the best comfort food.
Well I have been working hard on changing me and I joined a gym about a month and a half ago. So last night I knew I was angry and instead of turning to the potatoes I went to the gym and worked off some of the past mashed potatoes instead of adding more.
I had a really good work out. I threw all the negative energy into it. Even with the iPod blarring in my ears and watching the Lakers play a not great first half of the game I was still able to think. Once again proving to myself where ever you go there you are.
But this time instead of stewing in the anger. I worked through it and discovered that though I was angry I was really more scared than angry. I hate being vulnerable and needing to rely on other people. I hate it. I also am not good with "I don't know" and right now I am in "I don't know land" (the place I go when I don't have all the information. My counselor named the place and it really fits). It is all a part of the need to control things...go figure .
So right there on the eliptical machine I prayed. I reached out to my HP and talked to him about what I was feeling and that I needed him now. I asked to feel him to let me know he was there. I asked for help in working through this fear and to remind me how strong my faith is and how safe I feel when I am in that place and not "I don't know land". I even said a little pray for the Lakers and in the second half of the game they kicked butt. Sorry Spurs fans.
I left the gym feeling better. I talked with a friend after I got home. He is someone I trust and even though it was hard for me to get the words out I told him that I was scared. He listened to me and didn't make me feel silly for being scared. He is in AA and I almost laughed when he asked me if I could control it lol. Even though he wasn't saying anything that I didn't know it felt good to say to someone else that I am scared. Especially since I talked to him the day I found out that I might need this surgery and I was doing the whole I need to be strong thing and acted like I wasn't worried in the least.
I showed myself that I CAN be vulnerable and I can reach out. I am surrounding myself with people now who it is okay to not be the strong one all the time with. I also saw some recovery, healing and growth.
Instead of doing what I had always done, mashed potatoes, and gettting what I always got, feeling more negative I changed what I can ME!
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Your post made me smile mandy , when I first came here , ( changed attitudes can aide recovery) I used to mutter to myself . yeah he sure needs to change his attitude . I didnt know they meant mine . Your gonna be just fine Mandy continue to take care of you.
I hate been sitting around feeling sorry for myself wondering "what if I would have said something else?" "What if I would have tried harder"
and I am slowly learning there is nothing else I could have done. he is sick. He has an illness. But I'm not sick. Im healthy and I need to take care of myself.
If he comes back into my life I cannot cry any more and say "why is he doing this to me?" I can't give him that energy. It's not fair to me.
Yes, this has helped me a lot, also Abbyal, I didn't realise I needed to change, it was great when I did, I laughed at the mashed potatoe bit, I have been really naughty all week and am bursting out of my trousers, so you have inspired me to burn up a few of them also, and to get a swim in tomorrow, wishing you the best and I'll put you in my prayers.
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