Newbie wondering if there is "too much water under the bridge" - Al-Anon Family Group

maybethistime · Member

Newbie wondering if there is "too much water under the bridge"

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to alanon. I an relate it feels too little too late. No one will tell you what to do, u have to see what is right for you in your life. First things first - u need to shift your focus onto YOU and not on what ur AH is or is not doing. You need support from those who have been where u are. Check out some f2f mtgs and pick up pamphlets and listen and learn. When ur ready, share and get some of ur feelings out. I'm sure u have unresolves feelings about what has happened in the past, u will want to work through those too as they fester, or come out sideways as passive aggression.

It s a bitter pill to hear, ur the one that needs to change, bc he is the one with the problem but our reactions drive us crazy and we act out of control. Over time, u can change that and in working program u will gain self control and get self respect and self esteem back.

Learn about the disease and u will be able to seperate what is his personality and what is the disease talking. They are Master Manipulators and excellent actors. Focusing on YOU (not him) helps combat the disease for you both. A's need enablers and that is what we are doing when we are more concerned about their health, then they are.

Boundaries will protect you and help u focus on YOU as well. Hope u stick around and give alanon a try, ur worth ur own good love and attention. It works when u work it and u def get back from all that u put into the program. Welcome.

maybethistime · Member

thank you for the warm welcome and kind words. yes i have a wonderful therapist who for a two years has told me to seek help through AA meetings. I have worked/ continue to work so hard on making me the focus. my life have changed dramatically in the last year through insentisy therapy and acupuncture. To take the stand I did with him is something I am so proud of!!! Now I just need to figure out if I can heal my self to continue a relationship with him or does my well being require just moving on.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

maybethistime wrote:

To take the stand I did with him is something I am so proud of!!! Now I just need to figure out if I can heal my self to continue a relationship with him or does my well being require just moving on.

(((Welcome maybethistime)))

You have worked very hard and focused on yourself and should be proud!!! I just wanted to suggest that you are not alone and that I understand your desire to take actions right away.

Alanon suggests that you make no major life changes for the first 6 months in program UNLESS you are in physical danger. The reason for this is we need time to learn to use alanon tools in order to gain clarity and know the most constructive action to take.

Face to Face metings are most beneficial There you will find booklets and literature and a support group that will share your journey

Help with finding local meetings near where you live may be found at the following web site: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html Or call: 1-888-4alanon

Online meetings are held in the Al-Anon chat room associated with this site.From the board click on Al-Anon Group Meeting/Chat Room in the yellow box in upper left of the page. After clicking on the link please be patient, sometimes it takes a while for the window to open.

Please keep coming here and posting . Sharing this journey is most important

maybethistime · Member

I have already found two meeting for this weekend :)

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

You ask whether the way he behaved was the addictions or the real him. The rule of thumb is that they get stuck at the age they were when they started drinking -- so if he started drinking at 15, he's at 15 now. He has to grow up and learn to cope with the world without drinking, something he never learned to do. So as to what he's "really" like -- time will tell. There's no knowing now. But my experience is that drinking intensifies their underlying personality (angry, laid-back, or whatever) but doesn't change it 180 degrees. Maybe others have different experiences.

What I had wished someone told me was that very few alcoholics recover. The last statistics I read said that it was between 21% and 28%. And the number who recover after only one stint at rehab is even smaller. Unfortunately they recover (if they do) on their time scale, not on ours. When my ex finally went into rehab, I was so relieved and delighted. I thought, "Good! Now we can really get somewhere!" Well, many years and much trouble later, he's still drinking.

But everyone is different. There's no predicting your situation, either way. I just wanted to say that sadly you can't count on it being the end of the whole story. Either way, focusing on taking care of yourself is good. And there's no requirement not to be angry. Anger helps protect us. But if it's eating away at your heart and making you miserable, then that's a call for more detachment and greater serenity.

Mandy123 · ~*Service Worker*~

Maybe,
Welcome to MIP so glad you found us.

Just a little ESH from me.

I was with my hub for 12 years. He was active a mjoority of that time. There were several times I was "done". I wanted it to end. There was one night I came home from a really long day at work and he was passed out in bed. The kitchen was a wreck and he had promised to make dinner for the kids and there was nothing prepared. I was pissed. I made dinner and brought some down to him and while he was eating I just boiled over with anger and told him I was done that I wanted it "us" to be over.

The next day I regretted it. I had acted in anger. Even though I knew I was done the way I handled everything left me filled with doubt. I had a hard time sticking to the choice I made and a few months later he was back home.

I through myself into my program and watched the marriage continue to drift into something I didn't want. I started to get the same old fed up feelings again, but this time I handled it different. I started talking with people in program about divorce. I started seeing a counselor. And this time when I asked him to leave I wasn't angry I was calm and kept my head on straight when we talked about it.

Now I am not saying that you have to do all that, but I would suggest not saying anything or acting in anger. I am sad about the ned of my marriage. I still have much love for my ex. But I know I made the best choice for myself and our children and this time I don't have any doubts.

Take what you like and leave the rest. Above all else....keep coming back and take care of you.

Yours in recovery,
Mandy

Kiki52 · Veteran Member

It's suggested not to make any big decisions or life moves until after working the Al Anon program for 6 months to a year. I followed that advice and am so glad that I did. My changes of attitude and actions made so many changes in our relationship that I have been able to stay in the marriage and be happier than I ever was.
I think if you really work the program, your answers come to you and you know what is right for you.

I think it's important at first to put aside the relationship for a bit and just let it be. Work on yourself and your growth and attitude. Work on changing you (because that's the only thing you can change) and see what happens. You'll learn to put yourself first and it may be possible for you to stay in the relationship and be happy or you may decide to leave. It will be up to you. But no matter what you decide, you'll be a healthier happier person for having the Al Anon program with you. I use my program in all aspects of my life and it serves me well.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Maybe...Welcome you have found the place that is soooo well versed on the
disease of addiction from personal experiences. The suggestions that come from
those here who have mended and healed their own lives will work wonders for you
if you follow up on them and its great to see that you already are. Awesome cause
Al-Anon also saved my life when there was nothing left of me and she was still
running with the using.

Alcohol and Drugs are mind and mood altering chemicals and therefore personality
altering as the same time. AA and NA and Al-Anon often witness to the Jekyl and
Hyde personality changes and these are real. When the chemical takes over you
and the family are left with wishes and promises and rarely anything else including
good feelings. By the way it happens with him also.  What I've found that worked
for me was that when I broke completely away from enabling the disease in my
marriage I could get healthy...mind, body, spirit and emotions and she wouldn't
have a "major player or excuse" to continue drinking and using. After a while she
stopped and got sober. That wasn't my intention.   My intention was to get sane
and serene and spiritual balanced regardless of what other stuff was going on in
my life. That has happened. Al-Anon and MIP are a big part of my recovery and
yes along the way I arrived at alcoholism also being a part of my history also. I
was born into it and before Al-Anon also drank almost to death.

Stick around and keep coming back. Get to your meetings and take life one day
at a time. You'll learn soooo much in the rooms when you sit down and keep an
open mind.    (((((hugs))))) smile

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Maybethistime,

Glad you turned to Al-anon, I have walked in your shoes. I didnt have children with the x- Ah, even though we were married 26 years. Looking back, I wouldnt have stayed so long.

Don't try to analize the A and try to figure out why they are the way they are, they are always in an altered state.

Just remember to treat yourself kindly and to always protect your children.

Please stick with the Al-anon program and whatever we are going thru, we must strive to appreciate ourselves and our lives first.

I wish you strength, courage and wisdom. Bettina

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Many of us have been where you are. I pondered the leaving the ex A for a long long time. I also beat myself to a smitereens about it. I blamed myself, I blamed him. I sat in that stew for a long long time. When I got ready to use the tools, like detachment they helped tremendously. I cant' say my life is hunky dory right now. I certainly know that no one in al anon will tell you specifically to leave or to stay. What we can offer is a lot of tools that will make your situation clearer.

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.