The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A month ago he called me and said "I think we need to take a break, I need to work on myself"
Up to this point his drinking went from drinking on weekends to drinking every night.
So I gave him his space, thinking maybe he was going to get help.
But now I find out from his brother he's sitting at home alone each night drinking until he passes out. He'll send me text messages asking how I am (he has no clue I know what is going on in his life)
I can't believe this man has thrown away a relationship. I don't understand what's going on and I keep blaming myself.
There were so many signs (lying about how much he drank, becoming totally wasted when he did drink, becoming verbally outraged when he drank) but he kept saying "I don't want to be like that and it won't happen again.
Welcome to MIP. Here you will find we don't give advice, but rather share our ESH - experience, strength and hope. You'll also learn that your bf has a disease - alcoholism; and you'll learn the three C's - you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
If you've read much on this board, you'll find very similar stories, including mine (though I did marry my A and had three kids). My ex-AH lost his home, his wife, his three children, several jobs, his self-respect and a whole lot more.
If you can attend face-to-face meetings would be helpful. If you take the focus off the A and put it back on you, where it belongs, you can reclaim your life. AlAnon helps you do just that.
Why did he let it happen again? Because he's an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a disease and he does not have control over it. He won't have control over it until he decides to seek treatment - and that will not happen until he makes the decision to do so. Until then, there is nothing you can do to make that happen and no amount of manipulation will make it happen any faster. We have a saying in Alanon that we did not Cause alcoholism, we cannot Control alcoholism, and we cannot CURE alcoholism (the 3 C's). The 3 C's are key in learning to work your own program and finding peace for yourself.
Why did he throw away a relationship? Because he's an alcoholic. The only relationship he has is with alcohol. Alcoholics' first love is alcohol, and it is their only love until they decide to seek help. There is no room for anyone else, and the alcoholic does not have the capacity to truly love another until then. When my AH was actively drinking, he said almost every morning that he didn't want to drink and would not do it again. I honestly have no doubt that he was sincere when he said it. But he was still stuck in the disease and had not yet sought help. He couldn't stop. I had to learn that drinking was not something he was doing TO ME, drinking was something he was doing to himself, something that caused him a lot of shame and a lot of heartache that he hid by pouring on more alcohol. It was a vicious cycle. The only thing I could do was get out of the way and get on with my life.
There is certainly nothing that you did that caused the situation. Again, you cannot CAUSE alcoholism. You did not physically hold him down and pour the liquor down his throat. Just like you can't make him drink, you cannot make him stop. Nothing you did or didn't do would have made any difference at all.
Alcoholism can take down the partners, parents, relatives, and children of the alcoholic. A therapist told me that I would lose my life trying to fix my husband's problems and they still wouldn't be fixed. For me that was true. Maybe I wouldn't have died, but years got by me while I tried to fix him. He wasn't fixed until he got ready to do whatever he needed to do to get help. I lost a lot of time living my life that I will not get back. I am grateful to have this program now. I don't have to lose anymore time.
I am glad you're here - welcome, and keep coming back! There is peace here.
Come here and come often. I feel and live your pain at this time of my life. My world shattered recently and I had the same thoughts you have running thru my mind.
Welcome to MIP! Al-Anon is a great resource, you should give it a try.
Please find a meeting in your area and you will find support and understanding. You will find a group of people who have been where you are. The literature is wonderful and will help you understand more about alcoholism and the role it has played in your life.
Please keep coming back and sharing with us.
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
hurt nurse- One of the biggest things I learned here was the 3 C's (mentioned in a post above) I figured that if he loved me enough he would stop. It was a revelation to me to know that I had nothing to do with his drinking-or his quitting. So please don't keep blaming yourself. And please do keep coming back. This is a great place to learn to heal.
Welcome to the MIP family. You've gotten lots of good replies here. Unfortunately he has a disease that doesn't allow him to care about relationships. The only "relationship" that his disease cares about is the one he has with the bottle. I use to think the same way you did. Once I accepted the fact that it was disease, I was able to stop blaming myself. You will too. I'm glad you're looking into the Alanon meetings. They will help. If you scroll up to the top of these posts, you will see Canadianguy's very generous offer of a free book.
Eventhough my beloved Tim passed away almost 2 years ago, I am in the processs of reading Toby's book. It is very good and very helpful. I hope it will help you. Remember you recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless if he chooses recovery or not. It's about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve. You can do this. We have your back. Please keep coming back to us. Check out the chatroom and our online meetings if you can't get to the face to face ones. We are always here for you. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I prefer to see them as sick now. I know that used to really irritate me at first. Only a very sick person would behave as he does. Getting well for an alcoholic is a colossal task. Getting well for us is tremendously difficult too. You are in the right place.
