The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've read your last post about your feelings about your soon to be exA. I've been chewing on it all night.
I have had an attitude overhaul by you saying that at one time, the love that the A and you shared was the best of both of your lives.
My exaH and I have been "together" for nearly 10 yrs - separated for 18 months now. In reflecting on this relationship for 18 months plus, I've thought how could I have been so blind in the beginning. I mean, in the beginning, I was utterly and completely smitten, in love, could never have imagined why this man had been divorced, who in their right mind would let this guy go? I LOVED the way he did EVERYTHING. I used to love the way he chewed!! I remembered him treating me literally like I was on a pedestal. My favourite line of his being "Are you happy?" And I'd say "yes" and he'd say "Good. Then I am doing my job right!" He was/is a musician (another thing that he gave up) and he would write me songs and play them to me in bed! I mean, the point is, I would remember back to why I loved him so deeply. Why I cherished him, why I loved loving him and ultimately why I married him. I was soooo in love with this man. I loved the love I was able to give to him. He was my most precious and favourite person in the world. And he knew it! I loved that he knew it.
And over the past couple years, now that that love is only a memory, Ive been thinking to myself that I must have been really really good at ignoring reality. That I must have been under the influence of delusional thinking. That there must have been something insanely wrong with me, that I thought of him and our life together in such an amazing way, because here is this guy now who is basically none of what I remember falling in love with. For the past 18 months I have been beating myself up for having been so stupid for falling for the facade. For looking through rose coloured glasses back then. I've been looking back at that happiest time of my life, and hating myself for being so ridiculously oblivious. I've emotionally attacked myself that at half way through our relationship, still deliriously happy, I agreed to increase the stakes and proceed to make a family with this man. I mean how could I have been so dense? So so so STUPID???? I certainly do not regret having my child, but when we agreed to make him, it was so important to me and I believed that we'd be together forever! Since our separation, I've been suffering through a huge amount of guilt that I was so incredibly stupid and now this child will suffer through a broken home because of my selfish stupidity.
And DEbilyn, you have given me permission to see that differently and allow myself to love what it was. To believe that at one time, there was no reason to think any differently. That he and I did share an amazing love at one time. That I really was delirously happy like I believed I was. I don't have to be angry at myself for not seeing it back then. Maybe back then was just as I remember....amazing.
And today, maybe I can just understand and accept that it isn't that way anymore. That it is very very sad. And that today, it is different. I don't have to hate myself anymore. And I don't have to hate him either.
thank you Debilyn.
{{Rora}}
-- Edited by Rora on Wednesday 24th of March 2010 03:53:40 AM
Dear Debilyn and Rora, thankyou both for your thought inspiring posts, I can relate to both sides of the coin, I have been doing alot of twoing and frowing with my thought's and feelings of late, I have felt very guilty and sad for not accomplishing the fairy tale ending I had written and had the staring role in! Lragely I have felt a failing to my children.
I can look back quite easily and see my life as a tragedy but then I can also see it as a triumph, thank heavens for choices, I have asked myself the same questions that you have spoken of Rora, and I know that had my husband displayed the person he became at the height of his alcholism I would of run a mile, when we made our vows to one another I truly belived that we both meant them.
I am very fortunate that my husband found sobriety and now he has become and continues to be an amazing person , I am very fragile though because I have seen the many faces of this terrible decease, and it's not an easy thing to cope with by any means.
There are no guarantees for life and so the best I can do is enjoy this moment, marriage is a partenership, love isn't unconditional, I ask myself was I always the best I could be, and at times I wasn't, I watch my children walk my talk, my journey was taking me to a happeir destination, I'm loving the ride!
As I read both of your posts I felt the healing that is going on. I too have to come to terms with exactly what you both have done.
I had a wife who at the end of our marriage told me she married me for the wrong reasons. That she never really loved me at all. That she used me.
But I would think back to the way it was and remembered the love I felt for her so intensely and I could also feel the love she had for me. And it made me doubt myself about my ability to perceive reality.
I choose to believe now that alcoholism became very jealous of my wife's love for me. It was too distracting and took her focus off It. Alcoholism, with its cunning and baffling powers, threw a sheet over the love to the point that I started changing in the way I treated my wife and she started turning more and more away from me and towards the disease.
I absolutely know now that I was not crazy in my belief that we had been very much in love. I will always love her, but now, in a different way.
Thanks for sharing yourselves with us. This was a great reminder to me to be grateful for the good in all things.
Such a timely post for me. I often think that my exA was just a fraud, and no where near who I thought he was. That train of thought also comes with shame, guilt and thoughts of stupidity. I had lunch with my exA's sister the other day. As we were talking, she made a comment that my ex and I used to be very happy. All I could say was, "I don't remember", and she said " you will someday...." Now here is this thread, to help me integrate it all. Bottom line is that he could not live the life he was living and not change, and the same goes for me.
Thanks everyone.
Blessings, Lou
__________________
Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Wow, I am so glad that I read your post. I thought it was me... that exa didn't really change that it was all in my head, or he stopped caring about me like he used to.
I guess that it is true, because the diease stopped him from caring.
