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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Feeling guilty about exABF
Post Info TOPIC: Feeling guilty about exABF
bluebee


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Feeling guilty about exABF
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Hi All,

I've been doing some reflecting and I am feeling guilty about being an enabler to my exABF.

We live in separate towns, but after our relationship got serious we decided that I would move back to my hometown (where he lives) after I finished my masters to start our lives together. I knew he was going through a tough time (disability, end of a marriage), but I was there for him when I wasn't in town and we talked many times, and he opened up to me when he felt sad, worthless or just plain frustrated. We saw each other as much as we could, and talked every single day for hours about life, hope and our future together. More than anything, I believe we were just GOOD friends.

As I look back I realize that about 80% of the time we spent together alcohol was involved. In our culture, drinking alcohol is as common as drinking a soda. Yet, I feel guilty about this. I didn't know he was an alcoholic (and whether he knew it or not, I am not sure), but now I see myself as one of his enablers.

As a result of this, I begin questioning the relationship we had.

Was he with me only because I enabled his addiction?

All the promises and hopes we had for our future - did they mean nothing because he wasn't 100% sober?

Was our relationship too hard (the distance) that it led him to drink more?

If he sees me as an enabler, does that mean I will no longer be a part of his life?

A few times he would show up to my house drinking a beer in his truck and when I would tell him "I don't want you to drink right now, please", he would trash the beer. No questions asked. The few times I did tell him "please don't drink anymore", he would not throw a fit - he would just say "Ok babe" and would discard whatever he was drinking. What if I was around more? Would I somehow have been able to help him?

I know that I had no control over his actions - he drank because he chose to. I wasn't around him physically to actually monitor how much he drank (which is probably why rehab came as a bit of a surprise). And I probably wouldn't have been able to control his drinking if I had been there with him. I couldn't have helped or fixed him. If I knew he was an A (or an A that had relapsed), I would have chosen different actions around him.

However, no matter how much I tell myself that his actions were of his own choosing, I feel guilty for drinking with him. I feel hurt because what if he did fall in love with me because I was an enabler?

Just feeling a little low this morning no



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abbyal


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Why would u be feeling guilty about drinking with bf ? did u know he was alcoholic , and went to a bar with him anyway , did u buy his drnks for him or pour them down his throat ???   How would u know about alcoholism and even if u did , there is  nothing u can do about him , you say u asked him to stop occasionally and he did  probably because he had enough already to coast thru the nite , not because u asked him to ,  and being closer to him u would have had no more control over what he did than u do now .  You are not powerful enough to make anyone drink or stop ....his drinking is not about you. He drinks because he has a problem period and anything u tried to do to stop it at best would be temporary , because your trying to solve a problem that isnt yours to fix , its his leave it with h im  where it belongs ..
Most of us who lived with alcoholics were enablers at one time or another , who knew we thought we were helping . Please find meetings for yourself u too need to recover from the affects of someone elses drinking . 

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Debilyn


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To me, not paying attention to them using is what I need to do. It is none of my business.

As far as asking him not to use around me, if it is not a problem to them, I feel it is ok.Also not being in a vehicle with him when he is using would be wise.

Would you feel guilty if you went to dinner with a diabetic and ate foods the diabetic could not eat?

Addiction is a disease just the same. Whether you drank when with him or not has nothing to do with it at all.

Would you want others to feel guilty if you could not have strawberries and they could eat strawberrie shortcake?

I know for me playing reversies makes a HUGE difference in how I think about things.

hugs,debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Jerry F


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Aloha Bluebee and welcome again.   What I learned in Al-Anon early on was that
feeling guilt was a choice and an option.  As a choice I can feel it any time, any
place and for any reason and also feel the depression that comes with it.  At the
same choice the change I can make is to not feel it after I inventory it as you
have done so here.  When I am wrong I can admit it and change.  If I am wrong
for taking responsibility when I was/am powerless I can do the same thing.  Today
freedom from guilt is a whole lot better and healthier than accepting blame when
I shouldn't and making amends when I should.   Keep coming back.  (((((hugs))))) smile

Do your inventory with a sponsor.  Without one I am still looking at the picture with
the same eyes I used when in the insanity. 

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