The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was devasted last year when I found out my husband is a heroine addict and had taken a lethal concoction of drugs and could have killed us all on our roadtrip to Mexico. I had been frustrated with his drug use and exhausted myself in trying to get him clean. He has dabbled with sobriety and a 12step program. I dare not try to figure out where he is at in all of his illness. He is still ready and willing to blame me for everything. But I can honestly say I am not devastated by it anymore. I don't want to fix him. I do want him in our lives if it doesn't drive me crazy. I listened to a lot of blame on the phone last night. And it reminded me why we r not together right now. I still feel a little guilty, but I chalk that up to being human and it is such a blessing to know that I might feel a little crazy or make mistakes. But that is not the end of the world. And minutes later I can feel happy and fine with where I am at. I know I am doing my best. I trust myself. And most of the time, I know what it is that I want! I feel like I am back amongst the living... And I don't think I ever felt like that in my whole life.
Are you attending a recovery program Angel or just visiting MIP? You didn't say. If you are trying to handle the affects of the disease alone I suggest that you get around lots of others who have been where you are and sit within them and listen for a while. Good luck. (((((hugs)))))
So glad you feel as if you are back among the living I know that feeling and I thank alanon for that gift. Before alanon, my constant feelings were : Anger, Resentment, Self Pity and Fear. Using the steps and tools of this wonderful program I have been freed from that trap and can now feel all the different range of emotions at an appropriate time and deal with each
Thanks for your support! I just needed to talk about this. I have been going to meetings for over a year now. Lately I've been feeling really depressed and anxious about everything. So I've upped my meetings from once a week to almost twice a week. I have a really rough schedule so I can barely make meetings online here - not to mention my son took every key off of my laptop keyboard, so right now I don't have the option - and I have 2 toddlers, I'm a single mom and 1 hour commute each way to my full time job. I'm so thankful for everything I have. And it is SOOO GREAT TO finally feel like I am even human again!
Day to day can be a struggle, but to see the progress I've made in the last year is so encouraging!
The work you're doing will pay off especially if you have a sponsor and phone numbers of members in your area for support. That is what we do here on the Eastside of the Big Island. We don't do it alone or let others do it alone either when we know better. Your last post kicked in old memories of Fear and anger in the early stages of recovery. I'm still doing graduate work on fear while the polish work for anger has worked very well for years. I had a sponsor who taught me the "opposites"...(If what I was feeling was causing me pain do the opposite of what I was doing and get the opposite feeling.) The opposite of anger is acceptance (of the fact of a situation not the morality of it) and then finding out if there was anything at all I could do about it to change it...if not "turn it over" (slogan) and "Let go and Let God" (another) have it. I got the bonus experience of building a real active relationship with my HP that goes on today. The opposite of fear continually changes and as of last year it has evolved to that opposite of fear is unconditional love. It's amazing that when I choose to feel unconditional love the stuff that causes me to live in fear doesn't show up at all. I'm still (somewhat...not as often) wondering how that happens for me.
Anyhow keep coming back and trust your HP, the program and MIP...oh and your sponsor. Good ones really are angels. (((((hugs)))))
I just wanted to say that I can relate greatly to what you are saying. I've been separated for 18 months to a man that I love, but can't seem to live peacefully with. Like you, I too would very much like for things to be different, but the old patterns don't work for this life that I am trying to create for myself. At one time, each fight and argument and episode of intoxication would devastate me and I'd turn into someone that I hated. Oh the sleep and serenity I use to lose back in those days.
I am still seeing many flaws and character defects of my own pop up unexpectedly especially when I am high on emotion, but it doesn't devastate me like it used to. I don't try to control my exah as much as I used to. I am still learning the differences between setting boundaries and trying to manipulate. I have still a lot of work to do on acceptance of what is, rather than what I wish was.
But I find that I am seeing things differently now. I believe I have more clarity. There are triggers and hooks that are thrown at me that I immediately recognize them as being what they are and don't as easily get pulled into the chaos. Of course, this too means that I am able to recognize my own instigating triggers and hooks also. I've realized that if I want to, I can get a hot argument going in about 4 sentences!
Patterns. It's hard to change patterns. But, as they say, when nothing changes, nothing changes.
