The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, I am new to Al-Anon and brand new to this site. I just stumbled upon it. I could really use some advice/help.
My first Al-anon meeting was Thursday, March 11. I felt invincible after the meeting. I loved it. I felt a bit sad when I got home and couldn't share any of what I learned with my husband. He is the reason that I sought out Al-anon. It took me awhile to actually go to a meeting because I wasn't sure that he actually qualified as an Alcoholic. He does not drink on a regular basis. He does drink 4-6 beers throughout the week. He only gets drunk 4 times a year? That has now climbed up to more like 6-8. When he gets drunk, it's pretty bad. He does some really ridiculous things and is very hurtful. He used to be really mushy and lovey when he was drunk and that over nine years together (4.5 married) has turned to nasty, angry drunk. Even nastier hungover. I originally started to seek out help through counseling because of other reasons such as his anger, inability to follow through on anything, Jekyl and Hyde stuff and I really just started to feel nuts. Most of the time these things were during sober times. I went to a counselor for over a year and she NEVER mention that I may be co-dependent and he may be a Dry drunk. I recently sought out another counselor who mentioned that I had co-dependency issues. So, it turns out I think my mother may have qualified as an alcoholic at one point, her father, my uncle and my aunt (all from the same side of the family). I can't make any concrete decisions or have an concrete opinions to save my life which is why I still say "may" qualify rather than say that she is. My father and brother think that I am nuts. My dad denies to this day (and yet they are not married any more) that she is an alcoholic. He says she was a drunk at times and there is a difference. Ugggh..........whatever!
My husband had an episode this weekend when he went out with friends and I was sure he would only have a few beers. He came home so drunk it was awful. I was up all night checking his breathing because he kept making choking noises. He peed on the couch. He pees on something about 80% of the times that he gets drunk. I was sooooo stupid and I am sooo angry at myself. I did all of the don'ts on the list. I had been to two meetings before this and really thought I had a handle on how I would do things when it happened again. I really truly believed that he was going to stick to his word and only have a few because we had a lot to get done on Sunday. I am angry that I thought we were doing so marvelously and let my guard down and thought we would be "different" than the other stories I heard. I am angry that he ruined our couch. I am angry that he is so terribly verbally abusive and takes away so many of the things that he has said before like I am crazy or something. Not just drinking issues, all of them. He makes me feel nuts and I acted accordingly this past Sunday. We went to couples counseling tonight and he hates my guts right now. It makes me crazy and lonely and confused and sad when he does this. I guess I just didn't get as much as I thought I did out of my first couple of Al-anon meetings and sadly, the few great weeks that we had were an illusion.
I really need advice on being able to detach with love. He is often angry and takes these things out on me. I have such a hard time taking this crap from him. It hurts, it makes me question my worth, my sanity. I am a pro at the silent treatment though it hurts me and he doesn't even notice. I have a hard time treating it like some of the literature says (like diabetes) and that he cannot help it because the drinking part does not even have to be there and is not there in the majority of the cases. I have a hard time believing that he cannot help this. How do you detach and focus on other stuff and then just drop everything when he is ready to treat you human again? If I don't drop stuff when he is ready he shuts back down and unless I do something to try and make things work again he would go along forever without ever trying to connect again. Quite frankly, I am terrified of connecting with him because every time I find out it wasn't really a connection, I lose a little more of me each time.
Ugghhhh! There is so much more, but that is my biggest obstacle at the moment. Oh yeah, and it turns out I only thought I new I was powerless (Step one). HAH! The truth is.....this just pisses me off. I know that it's true, but there is still some part of me that keeps thinking...."If I just do this and make X,Y and Z easier for him he will have more time and energy to spend on us." I recognize my thinking, just not all the time. And it really does make me angry as hell that I can't do anything about any of this.
One last thing....If anyone has anything that might help with this. It seems that more often than not when the Al-Anon makes changes and finds peace that they end up divorced. This terrifies me. I love this man so much and I do not want to be without him. I know this program is about me and I want to change so badly, but I am so scared that I will change and we will go our separate ways. I know how ridiculous this sounds. I honestly cannot imagine a day without him (although sometimes I don't want to be in the same house).
I really give so many of you soooo much credit and I am just moved by so many of your stories. I know I am a strong person and I always land on my feet, but I want to be the person that beats the odds with my marriage and I want to be the person at the table in Al-Anon that shares a happy ending not just because I found personal serenity, but because I am still with my husband and I still love him dearly.
WOW...i didn't mean to make such a long post...sorry and thanks for anyone who takes the time to read this or share with me.
The one thing I can say about all this is: you've been to two meetings; you're very new at all this.
Could you knit a wool sweater after two lessons? Could you join the Navy SEALs after two shooting lessons? Could you play Bach's Brandenburg Concertos or Ozzy's Goodbye to Romance after two guitar lessons? Of course not!
You finally found the right path! Now, the thing is to stick with Alanon, and practice what you can as you learn it. Attend as many meetings as you can, and READ, READ, READ the literature (I always go back to ODAT).
Things won't get better over night. I went to my first Alanon meeting and had a first step meeting, and laid out what my wife had done- and wanted Alanon to tell me how to fix her. What? We don't do that? But I got the message- we fix ourselves first...and this takes time.
Stick with it, babe...I think you'll do fine very quickly if you stick with it.
hello and welcome , it really dosent matter how often he drinks what matters is how it affects you when he does , that Al-Anon can help u with , keep going to meetings and if you can next meeting pick up our OdAT our first daily reader it is great for beginners , One Day At A Time == and go to the page on JUly 14th read it every day and do what it says to the best of your ability , also pick up a detachment pamphlet , the page in the odat and that little detachment pamphlet changed my life for the better , Iworked on those two things for about 6 months til I was actually doing what it suggested . Make him responsible for his own messes , he gets to clean the couch or pay for it himself .. u go out for the day and enjoy something just for you. Keep going to your meetings keep the focus on your needs and your going to be just fine .
Aloha Rach...yep you are a newbie and welcome to the family. We are all newbies at one time or another and we never get the program perfect. CJ and Abbyal gave you encouragement and that's about all I'm gonna do other than to suggest that you learn to live in one day only...just this one 24 hour period of time and work what little you have of the program in this 24 hours...read, read, read and practice and then go to your next meeting and learn more. This didn't happen overnight so your solutions won't come over night either. You got step one; at least the first half of it, nail down the understanding of the unmanagablility and then work on your own understanding of a Higher Power for yourself. One that is more powerful than yourself and also your alcoholic and alcoholism. More later. Don't rush it keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
Welcome to our online alanon family and to your real life alanon family group (what i refer to as my 'family of choice')!! I too hail from a relatively long line of Alcoholic/co-dependant relationships in my family of origin (my FOO, if you will). I learned from early on in my childhood, adolesence, early adulthood from living in the disease w/my parents, grandparents, and eventually my siblings as well... its no wonder i struck out on my own and found not one or two but three long term romantic relationships back to back (serial monogamy;) also w/A's before I found alanon. It's what i knew best, felt "comfortable' or 'normal' to me (course i later learned normal is nothing more that a setting on a dryer since here in America we're allowed to be as sick as we want as long as we keep our drapes drawn and our grass mowed... looking good on the outside, so to speak.) Here's the great thing about alanon... we dont have to diagnose another, only ourselves... admitting that a loved ones drinking/drugging is bothering us. Alanon truly IS all about US!! And 'us' is something we can change!! WOOOHOOOOO!!
I've been in alanon a few 24's now, I've seen folks come and go, or come and stay... same for marriages... some make it, some dont. And I've seen that there's a whole lot more choices in between as well. And that's totally up to the ppl involved. No one in alanon will ever tell you to stay or to go, for that is YOUR decision ALONE. And if they do.... RUN!! cause that just aint the 'alanon way'. Nobody can live your life for you or decide what's best for you, only you can. I'm still in my relationship and that's MY CHOICE... TODAY. I MAY change my mind tomorrow, who knows? Reguardless of what i choose to do, I know my alanon family is here to support ME. Even if i change my mind... again ;) How cool is that?!
I'm gonna pass along a little visual concerning the 'one day at a time' slogan, that's really helped me to LIVE it....
If i have one foot in yesterday, longing for 'what use to be' (or more like my pollyannna skewed visions of wonderous expectations for our relationship) and the other foot in tomorrow, worrying about what may or may not happen one day... that puts me in a squat position crapping all over my today!! I'm robbing myself of being fully present in the here and now's of my today. Today is all any of us really has, so lets enjoy it to the best of our ability. Like that e-mail that circulates to everyone... Life isn't about surviving the storm, its learning to dance in the rain... or Life isnt the party we hoped for but while we're here we might as well dance :)
As far as the 'detachment w/love' concept.... some preliminaries ideas I needed to wrap my mind around that really helped me to develope better 'technique' w/this detachment stuff was:
1) We are dealing w/an actual disease here recognized as such by medical professionals world wide. It is progressive and has 3 possible outcomes if left untreated; institutions, insanity, death. This fact alone tells me that no one CHOOSES to be an alcoholic. It may have started out as all fun n games but somewhere along the line the choice factor was removed. There is no rhyme or reason to this disease. Tis but for the grace of God that I'm not alcoholic myself. I dont know why that is... I like to compare it to the cucumber being dipped in the vinegar... how many dips does it take b4 the cucumber actually becomes a pickle... i dont know. Perhaps I've not been dipped enuff to set off my genetic predisposition or perhaps i'm just a carrier for my offspring or perhaps I'm not only recipient of a learned behavior but genetically pre-disposed to being a co-dependant and not a full blown A. I've since learned that alcoholism is a tri-fold sickness/illness of the mind, body, and spirit. A medical disease of a loved one that has not only affected them but has also affected me emotionally, physically, spiritually as well, creating my discomfort and a dis-ease, if you will, of my very own.... truly a 'family disease'. In that other program they have a saying... "one drink is too much and 100 is not enuff". Therefore the amount of alcohol consumed isnt really of question... its the 'allergic reaction' of the consumer. As you may or may not realize at this point... there's a whole lot more to soberiety/recovery than merely 'putting the plug in the jug'. That's where these 12 step programs come in... to address those behaviors, making changes in ourselves. Even tho I'm not an A myself... i still have alot of behaviors that need addressed for i can be just as angry and hurtful and crazy making as any A... without imbibing a drop of liquor. Dry Drunk? Yea, i have resembled that too.
2)Hurt people tend to reach out and hurt others. same for us as it is for them. I know exactly what its like being on the recieving end of that stick, and it aint a good feeling. Unfortunately i also know what its like to be dishin it out too... and that dont feel good either. Just knowing this is helpful to aviod doing it. I can only control me, my behavior, my reactions. When i first found the rooms of recovery I really wanted to FEEL better... if they had told me to stand on my head in the corner and whistle dixie and i'd feel better, by jove I'd have been an upside down whistlin fool in a heartbeat!!! Thank goodness all they said was "keep coming back"!
3) Q-TIP it!! With the above 2 ideas in mind... Quit Taking It Personally! I used to think that my loved ones were intentionally doing the things they do just to wizz me off and be hurtful. I was wrong. They do the things they do because they are alcoholics, suffering from a horrible disease that wants to rob them of everything they've ever aquired... jobs, homes, families, relationships, freedom, health, wealth... you name it. They arent doing this TO ME... the disease of alcoholism is doing these things TO THEM. I used to carry around a bunch of q-tips in my purse just to remind me to quit taking the disease personally.
Hope you find this helpful... take what you like, leave the rest... and Keep Coming Back!
A couple of thoughts, from your post.... you made a couple of references to "we" when referring to his cutting down and/or sobriety.... This is actually his, and his only, to own... The three C's remind us that we didn't cause it, can't control, and can't cure it.... You cannot "cause his sobriety" anymore than you can "cause" his drunkeness....
You seem to be unsure of whether or not he is an alcoholic.... I would humbly suggest that any grown-up who wets himself when he drinks, has a pretty serious problem.... "Normal" drinkers also don't verbally abuse their loved ones, etc...
The third point is about divorce rate among Al-Anons.... I have no stats, but I would suggest that the divorce rate among Al-Anons is very similar to that of the rest of society.... Al-Anon simply encourages you to take care of you, to choose recovery for yourself, so that you are healthier and have more serenity in your life.... In the opening, it even specifically states "whether you are with your alcoholic or not".... Al-Anon is an awesome self-care program for US.... Sometimes it inspires/helps the A to seek their own recovery, sometimes it does not.... Bottom line - if we get ourselves healthy, our choices & path become clearer...
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Oh hun Please be gentle with yourself. You've only been to 2 meetings it takes much more time to make the changes we need to. Sheesh I've been in program 1 1/2 years and am still a newbie. This is a life long program as there is always something to learn and behaviors to change. Please stick with it... start working the steps, reading literature etc. It will all come together with time. But it does take time. When I first got here I thought I could do the 12 steps in 12 days and all would be better LOL. It took me 10 months to get past step 1. But i kept at it. Glad you've found alanon and found us at MIP Please feel free to join us for our online meetings also
WOW! I am overwhelmed by all of the support here. I printed some of this stuff out and am highlighting parts to carry around with me so I can read when I feel I may not be "centered". Thank you so much each of you. I know this is going to be a long road and my road will be different than anyone else, but it's so comforting having this board. I was able to just dump it here last night and then I got some much needed rest. I woke up in a crummy mood and then read your responses and things turned around for me.
I got a text from my husband today that said "I'm sorry for being so angry lately." This is where I get into trouble. It's like, ahhhhhh, much needed words that I want to hear. But, it's also like, grrrrrrrrr! These words make me drop my guard and then I get comfortable and stupid (for lack of better words). I don't know what to do with it right now, but for today, I have a little peace in knowing I have this forum and I think if I keep a schedule for these meetings it will be a reminder that there is a problem and even though he says what I want to hear now, I mustn't have expectations in his words to be true or that it means that he is on a new path.
Thanks everyone for the words I needed to hear when I needed to hear them.
yeah, they apologize hoping to go back to the way it was previously, wherein the manipulation starts again and we are active particpants in it (Bc we have always dont it in the past). We say here, listen with your eyes - watch the behavior so you are not getting caught up in the words and promises and apologies but that you are actually dealing with the reality of the situation.
Focus on you, work ur porgram, set boundaries and floow thu for you and things will begin to change. Detach with love from their behavior, feelings and issues so you can deal with your own feelings and issues. Its just a part of a human being's life, yes we go thru similar emotions but we all get to handle them within ourselves. Detach respectfully from the A, u can be there to support but we cant deal with it for them and vice versa.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
You know I have rephrased the powerless to being powerful. Yes I certainly cannot control any A's drinking. I cannot make anyone be sober. At the same time when I take the focus off them and put it on me I'm able to work on me. I don't know about you but I am a hugely resourceful, creative, talented person.
I well understand the obsession with the alcoholic. I've had it most of my life. Detaching is an art form. We have to do it every day. We don't start with the 300 lb weight of the alcoholic. We start with the small stuff and build up. Think of it like body building.
Thanks everyone for your sound advice and support.
I am really proud of myself today. Started out the day with my husband's anger issues (he hasn't been drinking). I decided to change plans and not spend the day with him, but not be angry with him for it like I usually am. I think I really detached with love today. Here's what I did.
I started out with the usual tears and being upset with his verbal unkindness. Then I had something miraculous happen. I made the decision not to waste my time. One of my goals this weekend was to get my laundry caught up and another was to work with my horse (my horse is boarded 45 minutes away from where we live). I stayed focused on getting the laundry sorted and ready to go. Then I wrote my husband a letter and told him that I could not be treated this way and that I am asking him to help me in my healing and refrain from saying anything in the future no matter how ridiculous or stupid he thought I was. I made my self my regular breakfast smoothie, made him one too and taped the note to it. I left and made the decision not to expect anything from any of it, but I felt good about saying my piece. I have often gone out to see my horse during these times in the past, but I would have been waiting for him to be sorry or call me or worry or something the entire time. This was completely different. I did it for me. I made the decision to silence my phone and make my time with my horse MY time with my HORSE. Undivided attention for him. My horse was awesome. I had a great time and my mood lifted. I have never been able to relax with my horse before when I was having issues with my husband. And my horse always feels my tension no matter how calm I have tried to be before and he tends to act out. My husband had left me a "I am really going to work on it" message as always and I listened to it and though I know nothing has changed (as I have heard it MANY times before), I moved on with my day and did not say another word about it when we saw each other this evening. I brought him some dinner on my way back from the movies with my nephew. (I went and saw Hot Tub Time Machine and it was hilarious. If you grew up in the 80's you must see it and if you didn't it was hilarious anyhow cause my nephew is only 16 and he laughed the whole time too). So, today was a good day. Thank you everyone for the great support and advice.
