The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
"I married a wonderful man (wife) and he (she) turned into a 'xxxx'."
How many of us have experienced that? Most, if not all.
Did that person change? Perhaps, but probably not substantially. They still possess the attributes you loved- you just ignored the bad parts (and learned of them as you both got to know each other) and concentrated on the good.
I knew my wife had emotional problems when we married. I (and her friends) thought they would "go away" after we married. That doesn't happen!
It starts with Step 1: acknowledge that we are powerless over alcohol (and emotional problems.
So if we can (and we must) do that, we can recognize that the good person is still there. It is the alcohol/emotional baggage that is their problem. They have NO control over it! They cannot stop the activities, drinking, and defensive arguments. They have a sickness over which they have no control.
Given that, if you can (as you must) accept that, then you can start to detach. You can still love that kind, caring, sweet person burried underneath all that spite and self-hate. You hate the actions, not the person.
You also hate YOUR reactions. Yes, you do; maybe you are in as much denial as the alcoholic? When YOU have control over YOURSELF you can start to let the alcoholic ravings and actions go, and look for the good in your mate. Otherwise, YOUR anger at yourself over YOUR actions won't let you see the difference.
Only the most immature get angry at an innocent child's crying and screaming and disobedience. The anger though is displaced- it is anger at our own inability to control the child. When we learn that we cannot control a child, we understand that we have to find a different way to REACT to the child (or not react).
Not surprisingly, I've found that the Bible, parenting books, Bhuddist teachings, and Alanon literature all say the SAME THING! It's all about loving the subject, admitting that what we were doing doesn't work, and changing how we act.
It's easier to detach love and action with our own children; it's probably biochemical. But with another adult we have different expectations (that's another Alanon concept deserving study). But we can't! We shouldn't! Children, alcoholics, and emotionally pained people all have similar illogical actions and responses. And so did we, before we accepted the Alanon way.
Now that we have the teachings of Alanon, WE are the ones who have the responsibility to act/react properly. We cannot change them (right? has it ever worked? No.) so we must change US.
And in doing so we 1) accept that we cannot change someone else; 2) acknowledge that "they" are not in control either; and 3) love them despite their disabilities.
CJ
-- Edited by canadianguy on Tuesday 23rd of March 2010 06:53:52 AM
Thank you CJ Recovery. Your post has helped me work through some of my thoughts tonight. It's hard for me to see things this way, but I am really going to work on it. My biggest issue is that my husband is sober when he is the nastiest and it makes me think he hates me and wants me to hurt. He fights really dirty. I am going to remind myself that even if it isn't alcoholism, anger is a disability as well and I will try and treat it as so. I think this will help me. Thank you for your post. Much appreciated.
-- Edited by rachweb on Monday 22nd of March 2010 11:30:31 PM
I believe that AA and Alanon are mis-branded overall; however, it's what get people to seek help.
It's not the alcohol! I know plenty of alcoholics who are loving, fun, kind people. Alcohol is simply a catalyst that reacts with whatever is behind it- and if it's self-hate and anger or any other emotional turmoil, it's like throwing gasoline on fire.
When we recognize that our loved ones have a deep fire, we must admit that alcohol only fuels the fire...and so do we, throwing more gasoline on it!
My wife generally comes home pretty happy after a good night of drinking. And if I don't bring it up (or the missing kid's events or dinner, or...) then she goes to bed happy. Sometimes she's at her worst when she's dead sober! It's not the alcohol, it's that fire that burns beneath it.
So we now KNOW that, thanks to Alanon. Don't throw fuel on the fire! Know that the one you love has serious emotional turmoil- write yourself a note so you don't forget in the heat of the moment! Pull it out when you need it most!
My wife NEEDS more love than I do, than the kids do. And so I must detach, must known when not to engage in arguement, and know to accept- even in the sober times- that she has a sickness! She NEEDS love then, not anger or correcting, or any other control- she NEEDs love!
When she comes home after a weekend away (drinking and no doubt cheating) it does no good for me or the kids to get on her. I'm not happy, and I can say that! But I don't accuse, don't emotionally beat her. I don't ask "did you have a good weekend?" because that would be fascetious and fake...I didn't want her to have a good weekend. But I do care about her, so I can, in all good faith, say "I'm glad you got home safely." In doing so, I'm appealing to the hidden loving person, and ignoring the drunk cheat.
I can detach (not always! I'm imperfect too!) the hidden person from the drunk, the angry woman, the cheater. I do care for her, right? Otherwise I'd not care what she does....I don't care what Tiger Woods does, right? So I do care for her. And I know she's sick. So I can care about her, and detach by separating the two "people" without hatred and anger.
A few years ago I would have advised myself "give the bitch a sound beating and throw her out." I'd have seen myself as a spineless pansy.
But now, I have kids to worry about. I have a responsibility to give them as much serenity and calm as possible. As well, the whole situation, through Alanon, has forced me to see that I wasn't a perfect person- I'd just not had such a challenge. This challenge, along with Alanon, has given me an opportunity to improve myself, and that is far more reaching than dealing with an emotional/ alcohol sickness. In complete selfishness, I am gaining something of this whole thing, something that will improve my life in the future, in many ways.
To get anywhere, we need to start with step 1: accepting that we are not in control. Then we have to move on, and accept that we are not perfect, have handled the situation poorly, and improve ourselves. When we can do that, we can detach.
Ask an A who has stopped drinking for awhile why he started drinking again and he will say, " I don't know" This was the big question all thru my 26 years of marriage to the A. The thing is , they never know!! Its not our job to find out why they drink either . I am of the belief that some A's have not suffered anymore then any of us non drinkers. I do know that my xah's parent were both A's. I have come to believe that its the drinking that causes the problems, not the other way around, but this is only my opinion.
I work the Al-anon program and have made many changes. I am grateful to the A, as it has expanded my compassion and my strength and experiences. I want to help other people who are caught up in the misery and pain of living with an A and this disease. I can tell you if the drinking progresses and is not halted, the goings on of the A are enormous. This was my experience. Being with an A is not about accomodating them and compromising our own lives. All I know is I did all the changing and the A continued to drink. I changed and grew to the point that I could no longer tolerate being around the drinking. I am grateful. This is my story, but your story is your story and with hope and your HP, I hope and pray the A' s in your life will halt their drinking and be grateful they have all of you in their lives or not, these are our choices.
Believe me my A today in his sobriety wished there could have been a different outcome. Im just too far past it. Thank you Al-anon. Bettina
