feeling hurt and confused - Al-Anon Family Group

Becka · Newbie

feeling hurt and confused

jo4 · Veteran Member

hi becka....

boy reading your story was like looking in the mirror.

very similar to mine. mine did drink for years, with increasing frequency. then had binges of cocaine, crack, pot in between. took me years to reach my bottom. when i did, i left. he hit rock bottom and turned to AA. then begged me to come home. speaking to our sponsors and those with experience in the program, we learned that it was best to stay apart and focus on our own recoveries. if things were meant to be then they would unfold that way. in other words, surrender, hand your will over to a Higher Power and trust that the outcome is as it should be.

we spent 2 and 1/2 years apart before we finally decided to give it another go. we have been back together now for about 2 and 1/2 years.....not perfect but soooooooooo much better.

forgiveness comes with time. when you do it, it will be for you, not him. so YOU can move past it. so you can let it go.

trust in this program. it works. it's wacky and unpredictable but it works. the answer you get from your Higher Power may not be what you expect. but it will always be what's right. if you stop fighting and surrender.

that's step one.

keep coming back and find a home group to learn more.

get to some open AA meetings to learn more about alcoholism and early sobriety.

read the chapters in the Big Book.......To the Wives and The Family Afterward.

keep coming back.

jo

browneyes · Senior Member

Awwww Becka, i am so sorry you are going through this. I am new at this also but i can tell you that yes this is what the drugs and alcohol can do to a person. you practically described my husband. and the pain of feeling like you are all alone when he is supposed to be the person you can count on no matter what really sucks. you have nothing to do with it, believe me. i have read a lot about this disease and talked to many alcoholics. it's the disease. you simply cannot "compete". anyways, i'm glad you found this site because there are a lot of supportive and knowledgable people here. i hope it helps and you will be in my prayers.

browneyes

lildee · Senior Member

Welcome Becka,

Yep this is what alcoholism and addiction do ... and worse in some cases.

In Al-anon we do not put the focus of our happiness on the alcoholic. If we want happiness we find our own happiness and serenity. Our focus is shifted from the alcoholic/addict to ourselves and taking care of our own needs, wants, and desires. We do this by working our own recovery program. Attending meetings, getting a sponsor, working the Steps, doing daily CAL readings, praying and meditating.

These are several links you may find useful on your journey:-

Meetings at MIP : http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

For face to face meetings in your area: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

For readings & literature:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/publications.html

or

Hazelden : http://www.hazelden.org/servlet/hazelden/thoughts?page_id=25020

You did mention that cocaine was involved so here's Co-Anon for you: http://www.co-anon.org/index.html

And if hubby is inclined to go to a meeting here is Cocaine Anonymous for him: http://www.ca.org/

By being with people with the same problems and difficulties we learn to share our ESH (experience, strength, & Hope) and that is how we get better. We are able to release all the bad negative feelings that we have had pent up in us for so long, and we learn new tools for dealing with the alcoholic/addict whether he is using or not. This program works if YOU want it to. You have to put in the work.

I have been in the same boat as you with the drinking and drugging husband. At the end of this month we will celebrate 25 years of marriage together. Something I thought would never happen because of his addictions. But he found his bottom and worked his own program and I found mine. Now we are two happy peaceful people.

Good luck on your journey,

lildee

dori · Senior Member

Hi,

My heart goes out to you been there ,but try to know this .His addictions are about him and it is not about if he loves you or not,.He probably does to the best he is capeable of .Keep posting here , go to meetings on lnie in face to face and know you are not alone and we can give you support thanks for your heart you shared.

dori

UncleLou · Senior Member

Becka,

I’m an alcoholic in recovery 2 years and I can relate to the other side of what you’re going through. My marriage of 15 years (2 kids 14 & 11) is almost over. She filed for divorce last July. I know I hurt those people around me because my disease made me hate myself so much, I was incapable of showing love to anyone else. This is not because I didn’t love my wife. An A in the midst of his addiction does not think or act sanely. Only another recovered A can truly understand what we have gone through. If you’re trying to figure it out, don’t waste too much time doing it; it cannot make any sense to an 'earth' person. I know in my case, I did a shitload of hurtful shameful things when active. Notice I said the word 'active' and not 'drunk'. Even when not under the influence of alcohol, my thinking was all messed up. The disease makes us rationalize inappropriate behavior and warps our minds to the point that we actually believe the lies we tell ourselves. This is what our denial is all about. Denial is not an optional part of the disease.

As far as him getting help, now that you told him to leave; that may be a real good thing for both of you. Don’t take it as an insult or slight. There is no way you could win out in his choice between you and his substances. This is not because he doesn’t love you, his disease is too powerful. We A’s need to hit a bottom before we seek help. As long as we delude ourselves into thinking everything is under control, the denial of our problem keeps us from getting help. I needed to lose my job of 19 years before I had enough. My marriage was a mess and I did a lot of emotional damage to my kids. I didn’t see how bad I had become till I got recovery.

I pray that if he is getting help, (not just saying he is) he’s doing it for the ‘right’ reasons. From my point of view, the ‘right’ reason is to get sober for himself. The ‘wrong’ reason would be to save his relationship with you. This may sound strange to you right now, but the success rate of A’s who get sober for anything other than themselves is not very good. I needed to want sobriety more than anything else to ‘get it’ Let me clarify that. If he is getting help to save your relationship, that’s fine, whatever gets him started on that path is great. Eventually though, he needs to be doing it for himself, regardless of what else is going on his life. Please don’t make the same mistake my wife did and misinterpret his recovery as selfish and self centered. An A in early recovery is a pretty emotionally messed up individual. It takes a long time to figure out what’s going on and process all the feelings that have been stuffed for years by the disease.

Do yourself a favor and get to alanon and do the program for yourself. My wife went for a year for me and it didn't help her at all. Even though it’s ‘his’ disease, you don’t even realize yet how much it has effected you and how much YOU need to recover.

UncleLou

Becka · Newbie

I want to thank you guys for letting me know there are and were others in this situation. I mean, I knew there were but hearing it from actual people makes it seem more real. As I look back over the last couple of years of my life with my husband, I see that I was sooo stressed, depressed, stayed away from family and friends. I guess I hid it from my family for I was ashamed and felt they would be disappointed in ME for “putting up” with this for so long. However, once I did tell my children (who are adults) and then my parents (who went through this with my sister, who died from alcohol abuse 10 years ago), I felt such a relief to get it out and to my surprise they were not disappointed in me but my parents were actually proud that I was strong enough to say no more and then when I made my husband leave that night, I again felt such a weight off my shoulders. I was upset that it came to THIS but I slept peacefully that night for the first time in I don’t know how long. Then I felt guilty for not being emotionally upset that he was gone. For the past 3 weeks he has been gone, I am feeling better physically but I struggle with the whys but reading your messages is making me understand, it is not me he turned away from but it is the drinking and drugs he turned to.

You know, another thing I realized on a little humorous note, the more he drank he seemed the more I went shopping for clothes, shoes, etc. for myself. I guess I was trying to feel better about myself in a way. Now that he is gone, that huge urge just to go out and buy a new top or a new pair of jeans is gone. Was this a normal behavior? I really do not know if that was normal, but now I have sooooo many clothes and stuff.

I am also scared that if and I mean IF I try to see this through with him, will I always live with the fear any day he could do this all over again and here I would be right back in this mess. I don’t know if I could be strong enough. I know he is getting help and I am not positively sure if he is doing it for himself or if he is doing it for me. And I do not know how to be sure that he is doing it just for him. That’s what I want.

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

These are things that you will just learn to let go of. My husband is sober two years, and I sometimes wonder what would happen if he went back out. I am a different person now that I was two years ago, though, and things would be different. I don't knwo if I would leave, or find a way for his drinking to not affect me so much, but I do know, now, that no matter what he does, *I* will be OK.

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree. Our AlAnon meetings tell us we can find happiness and peace (not a direct quote) whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. I have had glimpses of this in my life, and I want to nurture that know-how. Alanon helps us do that. I know you will be OK. With that said, welcome to Alanon online and in person. I'm glad you found us.

Jill

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.