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This may seem like a strange question - over the years when my AH drinks, it's almost always on a Saturday night. My friends already have plans and there I am in the house getting distressed, isolated and sad. I have called a couple of friends when this has happened and when they are busy, it makes me more depressed that I am reaching out and no one is reaching back. I know it is not their problem nor their responsibility but it makes me feel more isolated. My family lives out of town, there are no Al-Anon meetings on Saturday night which would be the perfect place for me. I left the house a couple of weeks ago and sat in a parking lot talking to my brother for support. I've thought about going to a mall, a movie, joining a gym, going to a library, getting a manicure/pedicure. Any other ideas??? I just can't be in the house. I just lie down, worry and my heart pounds. I think if I have a plan, it would be empowering. I don't have extra money to spend on a hotel. It's awful having to leave your own home but my sanity depends on it.
I can so relate, after being married to the A for 26 years,(we are divorced for 18 months) I know exactly how you are feeling. It would be nice if there were an al-anon meeting going on at the time, but since there isnt, you can read some of the material. What is really difficult for us wives of A's is cultivating our own interests, separate from them, whether they are out drinking or not.You mentioned going to a movie , that always helped me. Its also not about because he is out, I should be doing something because he is either.
You dont say if your married or how long or if you have children, I assume you dont.
I remember those nights when we were first together,how I would be just paralized until he returned home. After a lot of that, I knew something had to change within me or I would not survive this marriage and this disease. I started Al-anon and I started meditatating. Its funny because I was married before and always had my own interests, but my first husband didnt drink. There is something about the dynamics of the disease of alcohol and the control the A and the mind games that are placed upon us. Keep working the program, concentrate on you and what would make you happy. I wish you strength, courage and wisdom! Bettina
That use to be a concern for me also as having to do "special" things was because of... It caused me to get a hold of and practice practice practice...detachment. Do something that you already do and like to do because you already do it and like to do it. (((hugs)))
How very good of you to notice a pattern and be thinkin ahead of how to best take care of you! That's the essence of what a 'boundary' is to me. I've seen some great guidelines in various posts here at MIP about Boundaries. It is my experience that my boundaries define the space and distance i can move in ease and comfort, not a wall built against another nor a line drawn in the sand waiting for them to cross.... more like a bridge that i can cross if need be to help preserve my sanity/serenity. Its not really that necessary that I describe or explain my boundary to anyone else as long as *I know* what they are (my own limitations) and I define the steps (to myself mostly) I am willing to take to get to where I need to be.
I dont particularly care to watch my A's imbibe and become inebriated either, or to deal w/the fallout once that deed is done. AND I'm most usually broke or too cheap to spend my hard earned cash at movies or restaurants as that CAN get way expensive. Some of my favorite solutions to this dilemma are:
1) To reason things out w/others in the program, talking to ppl who truly understand like no others. At my f2f home group I attend faithfully every fri nite at 8 pm (and i might add the one and only alanon meeting offered WEEKLY in my area), they hand out a "phone list". These are ppl in the program from my area who are willing to leave thier name and phone # for other members to call, anytime day or nite. Some have met me for coffee or even invited me over and put on a pot or just plain talked to me on the phone... who knows you just might be doing them a favor too, sat nites can be hot times in alcoholic homes, they might be lookin for sumthing different to do too! Another quick fix for this is to hit the computer and chit chat in an alanon chatroom. I know there is one here at MIP associated w/this mssg board, but i've only visited it a handful of times over the yrs so i'm not exactly sure how busy it is there. I'm actually a 'regular' in another one and there's always someone there to chat with, reason things out, vent to, or plain occupy my time and take my mind off of whats going on around me... and i dont even have to leave my home if I really dont want too. Or I can take the lap top w/me on a drive to McDonalds up the street and sit in their parking lot or lobby and take advantage of their WiFi if i really wanna get outta the house for a spell.
2) Attend a meeting!!! Like i said in the last paragraph, there's only one alanon meeting offered weekly in my area BUT there are a a whole slew of AA meetings and a 'fellowship club' (about 30 mins drive away) and an 'alano club' (about 20 mins drive away in the other direction) for me to take advantage of as well. Make sure the AA meeting is listed in the directory as "Open" and then you will be welcomed to attend... its the same 12 steps just a slightly diff view from the 'other side' does me good to see the other side for a change and greatly helps me with my compassion issues for my loved ones still suffering in the disease ;). The fellowship club and the alano club often have things going on, especially on the weekends... dances, potlucks, speaker events are usually advertised in advance (sometimes you will see flyers posted at the clubs or they are passed around during the announcements portion of f2f meetings) but even when there isnt anything special scheduled there's pool tables, a jukebox, card games (euchre & poker most usually... i rock at euchre!), plenty of hot coffee or sodas reasonably priced and PEOPLE to talk with. Kids are even welcomed, if thats an issue for you. Some other events that I have attended at the clubs are a group meditation session that was offered on Tues nites and an open BB study group on sun afternoons, and a midnite candlelight open AA meeting on sat nites. Surround yourself w/fellowship!!
3) like i also stated earlier, i'm cheap or financially thrifty ;). So i tend to do things that dont cost much $. My local library is open to 8pm on certain nites and 5pm on other nites (saturdays they're only open till 3 tho). They have computers w/internet access and lotsa great books/magazines that i can just sit there and read or check out at my leisure. The nearest mall is open till 9pm, i do love to window shop and try stuff on. But the local walmart or kroger store is only 5 min away and open 24 hrs... i like and tend to do my grocery/household shopping at nite on weekends. There's lotsa helpful stock persons to assist me if needed as the shelves are getting restocked, there arent as many customers to bump into and deli/bakery has a small table/seating section that i can just sit and enjoy for a spell too. There is a new strip mall nearby that has a humongous bookstore with couches and overstuffed chairs, coffee tables and latte/espresso machines. Its open till 10pm.
Hope you find solutions for your sat nite dilemma... take what you like and leave the rest.
Love in Alanon, Wendy
another idea is to pay attention to the district and regional AA and alanon/alateen events for your area, usually announced or available at f2f meetings. They tend to circulate a newsletter that tells folks of upcoming events... holiday dances, cookouts, round-ups, conventions, speaker events, anniversary meetings, car washes, potlucks, weekend retreats etc. All good stuff!! You wont be disappointed! Well worth the cost of a ticket to attend.
How about making your own plans ahead of time instead of waiting for him to get drunk before you can make any plans? Call a friend ahead of time. Meet for dinner, a movie or to go shopping. Check the local newspaper for things to do on Sat night and then go do one of them.
Exercise helps me detach and do something nice for myself. The endorphins from it really mellow me out.I have found doind other things during the week like work and other hobbies have enabled me to meet more people to do stuff with on the weekends. Plus, I find planning ahead very important.My natural instinct is to plan my schedule around the A.
A Saturday night without an available Al-Anon meeting seems a bit like an emergency room without any doctors.
So, I would spend some time ThiS WEEK, talking to a few churches, YWCA, and simply finding a place to hold a Saturday night meeting. Possibly the same building the local AA meeting is held in on Saturday nights. Make a few phone calls to get the group you are starting on the local meeting directory, let your Al-Anon friends know about it, take some CAL literature to it, and sit there every Saturday night from 7pm til 930pm
I have done this. Between giving a few ppl rides to the meeting, setting up the meeting, participating in the meeting, cleaning up after the meeting, and going with a few people to a local restaurant (the meeting after the meeting) it would occupy at least 3 hours of my time. This was a life saver for me. At first, there was just two of us sitting there, then a 3rd, a 4th, and before long it became one of the biggest groups in the community.
Just a suggestion. This would probably benefit so many Al-Anon's who are stuck in the same situation you are in on a Saturday night.
John
-- Edited by John on Monday 22nd of March 2010 07:27:39 AM
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
I think your ideas of going to the mall, movies gym etc are good I would second the suggestion that as you know it is going to happen on Sat night you make plans with friends in advance. And of course Johns idea of networking and finding a place where you could hold an alanon meeting would be awesome. I can only imagine how many other wives and husbands tha need to leave thier home on a Sat nite Keep us posted on what you do Blessings
I agree finding a meeting, getting a phone list so when ur in that situation u can try other members who know what its like. I also like the ideas of planning ina dvance to do something with ur sat night and not waiting around for him to get drunk, just make plans and go! Yes, there are lots of free things to do, like going to library, a park, a mall to walk in, go to a book store (they have coffee and reading rooms), work out. Movies arent free but they are always there.
Do u have any intersts or hobbies u could enjoy exploring? There are magazine for every time of hobby out there.
A few years ago, I really wnated to join a dojo (martial arts) but I didnt have any money. I was doing hair at the time and a client told me that they love enthusiastic people and that I should go, introduce myself, ask to watch a class and if I liked it, tell the sensei, that I didnt have moeny but very very much wanted to be there. A few years later, I did just that. I called, talked to them on the phone a long time, went in and met them and they let me take classes and train for free for the 4 months I went. (Then it got too hot and I couldnt train in the 90-100+*F temps). It was a fantastic expereince, i will never forget the people or the lessons I learned there.
Over time, as u continue to work and apply program to your life and u set and follow through on boundaries and get some detachment, u wont have to leave to feel it. But until u get to that point, there are lots of things u can do. Regs (non alanons) sure they cant always spontaneously say, come on over or lets go out, that is why it is important to know other alanons that understand.
Do u have a lap top or your own computer space? U can go to coffee shops and get online or do it from home ~ our chat group has 24/7 chat and 2 daily mtgs. The supoort of others who know what ur going through is absolutely invaluable.
Take care of YOU, whatver that looks like. Keep working it, you're worth it!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
