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Hi everyone. I am new here and I hope this is the right place for me to share. If not, please let me know.
My boyfriend began rehab last week for alcohol addiction. Treatment is 6 months. As a result, he broke up with me.
First of all, I was taken aside a bit. I knew he liked to drink a lot (it escalated in the last few weeks) but I had no idea that he was addicted. Secondly, knowing the type of person he is, I am extremely proud of him for seeking help.
I understand that this is a time for himself and that he needs to focus on himself in order to recover. I want him to get better, and I want to do whatever it is I need to do so that he can achieve his goal. However, perhaps selfishly, I am devastated. I am so hurt that he would want to cut off all ties with me. I feel horrible for being so ambivalent (wanting him to get better, but hurt that he had to leave me) and I am not sure how to deal with this without adding any more trouble to his life. We still keep in contact, although it is very minimal (perhaps a text every other day or so). We have only talked twice since he started treatment.
I am not sure what to do. I told him I would be here for him for support and a shoulder if he ever needed it. I told him that first and foremost, I am his friend and I was behind him 100% and that I was very proud of him. I want to be strong enough to be there for him (if he ever sought it), but on my end I am dealing with a pretty devastating break-up. I miss him, I want to be with him and I want to share the life we promised each other, but there is nothing I can do right now. I feel hopeless. To make things worse, I've battled depression for years, and I am trying really hard not to fall back into that cycle.
I came here to perhaps get more insight from your experiences. I don't know what is best for him at this time (and I feel he doesn't know either). I know I have to take care of myself as well, and I can't handle falling back into a depression. I want to be strong for him and be there for him if he needs it, but I am not sure at this moment if doing so will help me. I don't know whether to go on with my life, or be patient and hold on. I love this man - we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with each other - however, he has made it clear that he isn't sure if we could continue a relationship after his recovery. And I understand - he doesn't even know what will happen tomorrow. Are there meetings I can attend alone? Is there something I can read to help me understand his addiction and what he needs right now? What can I do?
Any words of advice, comfort, direction - anything will be appreciated. Thank you.
Glad you are here and I am sorry you are going through this,
The most important answer to your question is......YES!!! There is something you can do for yourself! You can keep coming here and read as many post as you can to understand you are not alone. The other thing is find a face to face meeting of Al-Anon in your area and go to as many meetings as you can and read all the literature you can. Take long walks, take good care of yourself.
He is where he needs to be for now and will have no choice but to totally concentrate on his healing and recovery. That's where you are also.... you have been affected by this disease also and need to concentrate on taking care of you. This is indeed a one day at a time for you and him also. Try not to look so far into the future and try not to make predictions of what may or may not happen.
I also deal with depression and have all my life.... Al-anon has helped me learn new coping skills and has helped make my life so much better! Life of course is still "life" but the new coping skills I am still learning has surely made things so much better for me and also for those around me.
You are definitly in the right place !!! This a a place of healing and recovery for YOU I can only imagine how devestated you are that he broke things off with you and can only say that his recovery may be the only thing he can handle at this time. Even those with spouses sometimes feel "left out" or some how abandoned because especially in the early stages of recovery it is of the utmost importance that thier recovery comes first and all thier efforts are put towards that. He may already know that if he gets true recovery he will be a different person, make different choices etc so as difficult as it is that he broke up with you he may have had your best interest at heart. I too suffer from severe depression and nothing but nothing has helped me more than totally throwing myself into the Alanon program. I learn to apply the tools to all aspects of my life and actually got a life back in return. Now is time to work on you and put all your efforts towards your healing. Attend Alanon meetings in your area and we have meetings here twice daily, get some literature and begin the healing process Welcome to the family and know you aren't alone anymore Blessings to you
You are in the right place and now you know you are not alone.....he is newly in rehab and just in the beginning stages of recovery, the best thing you can do in my opinion is just let him recover in his way and on his time....you have to understand that you have no control at all over this.
The good news is you do have control over you....you can get yourself better and you have taken the first steps....
Try to find a local alanon meeting in your area...also there are meetings here two times a day....there is much love and experience here...
Welcome dear friend, you are in my prayers...and you are not alone.....
Thank you everyone for your kind words and support.
Needless to say I am in a lot of pain right now. Everyday is a battle to not get depressed over this, and everyday I pray that Jesus gives him the strength he needs to fight this disease. I miss him terribly and I am so very scared of what may happen with us - everyday that I do not hear from him sets in the anxiety and sadness that I fight to overcome.
I want him to get better, and he did mention that he did have me in mind when entering rehab, so that gives me a little solace. The hard part is just letting the days pass with no word - honestly, I worry! I know he is in a very hard place right now, detoxing and what I can imagine is just trying to get by today. All I figure I can do at the moment is give him the space he needs, be his shoulder to lean on if he needs it, and pray that we can both overcome this. I will be joining the chatrooms and I will be reading the literature suggested to better understand what he is going through, and to help myself as well.
Some help, though - this is the Al-Anon webpage with meetings in my area.
http://austinalanon.org/ed6sml.htm
However, I am not sure which meeting to attend :( I am not a "member" so I don't know if I would be accepted or welcomed to these meetings - honestly I am not sure how these things work.
Thank you so much for listening to my situation and for your kind words. I am so relived that people here can understand my situation - thank you!!!!
You are very welcome at the meetings and defintely belong! If I could make a recommendation . . . go to a newcomer meeting. They are the meetings on your list with an "N" next to them.
The neat thing is now you get to work on yourself. As we say here often, you get to put your oxygen mask on before you assist others. The program will not only help you walk through the difficulty you are having now with your separation, it will help you to learn to not project into the future and worry about things that you really have no control over, and help you be stronger when things do come your direction. Strength in serenity, strength in self care, strength in learning to love without loosing yourself.
I am so glad you found us and hope you continue to share your journey here. We are here for you without judgment and can offer a lot of ES&H (experience, strength, & hope) to help you find answers that work for you.
Please keep coming back,
Tricia
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Hello and welcome - the only requirment for membership in our program is that thier be a problem drinker in a relative or friend .. thats it so that means u qualify .. You have six months to work on yourself while he is doing the same in treatment , there are no guarantees in either prog to save relationships but it does promise to return some sanity to our lives . right now he is stark raving sober = dosent have a clue what he wants to do or if he can do it . patience , no pressure work on yourself . your life has been affected by someone elses drinking and you too need to recover . try a few different meetings u dont have to talk just listen u will hear what u need to hear . give this six months of your life and your life will change for the better , at his point u have nothing to loose nothing yur doing to date is bringing the results u want so try our program and know that with or with out him your going to be okay . For me getting my own program is the best way to support thier efforts at sobriety . Louise
I found a meeting (for newcomers) tomorrow evening a few miles away from where I live. However, it says an AA meeting happens in the same time.
I'm a bit nervous. What should I expect as a newcomer? I would have to go alone. What if I break down and start crying? I know these are pretty dumb questions, but I'd like to know what to expect.
I figure it would be best not to tell him that I will be attending these meetings. I figure it may make him feel guilty, as he has been adamant about this being his problem and not mine to bear.
You can expect alot of the same unconditional love, acceptance and support that you get here. Leave your worries about him in the garage as you back out of it. Don't pick them up until you get back home and unless you want to feel miserable. Have a great first meeting. "If you keep and open mind you will find help..." Don't worry about crying. I found out they even let big boys cry at meetings without trying to shhhhhhh us. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Sunday 21st of March 2010 10:28:56 PM
-- Edited by Jerry F on Sunday 21st of March 2010 10:29:20 PM
Thanks everyone, again, for your kindness and hope.
I read some literature that was suggested, and the information on Detachment just STRUCK a huge cord. Just reading that information calmed me down so much and is helping me put this situation in a different perspective. I can only imagine what I will learn and feel after my first meeting tonight!
Your help has brought me comfort. I live alone, I don't have any friends that I can confide with about this situation. My mother is the only person I have talked to about this, and she has been very supportive of him seeking help and of me trying to get help as well. The passing hours aren't as painful anymore. Only good things can happen from here on out!!
Also just quickly i wanted to say that many rehabs do not allow any contact ( calls, letters etc) for the forst 30 days especially long term rehabs so that may be a reason you haven't heard from him. You will be welcomed with open loving arms at any alanon meeting you go to. No worries that there may also be an AA meeting sechuled ( that is often the case ) as the A goes to the AA meeting and thier significant other, friend whatever goes to the alanon meeting. That way they can go together. They will be held in different rooms. Please keep us updated And feel free to join us here for our online meetings.... they are awesome
To be honest, he hasn't given me much detail about the type of facility he is in (in-patient, out-patient). He did mention that he can "still hang out with his friends" and it seems that he is staying at home, but again I am not certain. He did mention the last time we spoke (this past Friday) that he got to talk to his best friend, but he has just been keeping a low profile.
On a similar note, his best friend asked me last night if I had heard from him because he hasn't. Since it is not in my place to say anything, I just mentioned that we had broken up and I haven't had much contact from him either. So it seems we are both going through the same thing regarding hearing from him. This may be the best thing for him (and myself) at this time and if that's what he needs, then I am 100% for it.
