The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
There's so much that I can't give. I'm not talking about things. I am talking about emotions. I think there are 2 primary reasons that I feel like I can't give this to others. The first is because I wasn't given these as a child. The other is because I don't feel like someone people would want love from. I feel ugly and I don't feel very smart. Even if I had something intelligent to say I don't feel like anyone would be interested. I hate feeling like this because it keeps me spinning in my tracks. It leaves me sad. I feel closed off from everyone else. Unable to relate on any normal level. I am almost 37 but I feel so much more inmature than that. I so desperately want to feel my age. I want to feel respectable. I want to feel believable. I want to feel capable.
The child who lives inside of me is so sad. Nobody around her understands her. They just want her to act her age. She wants to do just that. She dreams of the day that she can and will do that. I've heard it said that the first step to healing is to love my inner child. I want to. I am so ashamed of her though but I know she never did anything wrong. She tried so hard to be acceptable when I was younger. She never got accepted so I became a needy adult. It's hard to differentiate between how I know I should react as a reasonable adult and how my instincts tell me to act.
Life is sane now. No more are the days of a drunken father stalking my mother in his futile attempts to get his way back into our lives. He'd beat her into submission when he was tired of hearing no. Sometimes his attempts weren't so futile though and he would get to come back. I hated those times. I never trusted him. Eventually, they'd start fighting and it would all begin again. My childhood revolved around thier crazy existence. Life is sane but the chaos in my head still remains. I truly am seeking serenity!
I can so relate to your post and I am 60 yrs old!!! My father also was an alcoholic....and I never saw him drink!!! But from the time I was born, I remember the fighting and the beating of my mom. Yes, I also have that inner child...and I too tried to be the "good" girl and seek acceptance. I finally can usually accept my inner child and love her..... finally after 5 yrs in Al-anon. I have learned some of the reasons why I react the way I do and am gradually beginning to gain a little better self esteem. The 12 steps are simple... but not necessarily easy. But the freedom that comes with taking them is more than worth the time!!!!! Progress .... not perfection! We are 2 ....of the many...affected by the alcoholic behaviors from our early childhood. Be kind to that inner child of yours. You are not alone. I encourage you to find some Al-anon or Adult Child Of an Alcoholic meetings in your area. And also to return to this board and begin reading more and more of these postings. Glad you are here!!!!
Put the love of YOU - first in your life. I did that at 36 and my life changed - radically in every way. I'd enver put me first before. I had grown up, speaking engatively to myself - it became self abuse. I felt ridiculous at first - being kind and gentle to me but I did it, and steadily I began to change. When id catch a negative thought (think" automatic negative thought - ant) when u see the ant, dont kick you for it, just turn it over, make it into a postiive statement. Stop abusing you. You can reprogram yourself this way and I bet if you use positive self talk for a month, u will see tons of changes.
I also suggest you forgive YOUrself. Forgive YOU for being human and being hurt in the fisrt place -- we cant expect god/HP to forgive us, while we sit and judge us -- if u dont know how to forgive you, simply become willing to and see if u dont feel lighter and free-er.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Aloha SS...I remember that part of my recovery also. One of the things I became aware of was that I had come to believe all the downer stuff that was said and put on me. It was all lies said in anger and frustration but I accepted it as the truth. Once I found out I had accepted lies I let it all go. I was free to become who I really was and the discovery was a great trip. I can still laugh when I remember it. I had even created a dual personality to deal with the put down and lies...kinda, sorta like a big brother protector type and that guy got me in even more trouble cause handling the lies with rage and anger wasn't the way to do it either. So I was able to let go of him also. Now I'm me...pretty slick; not perfect but and all around good guy with a sense of humor and some smarts. Learning to love myself with the guidance of my HP was a big step out of the dark.
You can do it also. first thing discover the lies and go for the truth about you. Ask you HP how your HP views you and listen for the responses.
I relate a lot to your share. I'm 38 and always feel so behind my peers in terms of emotional development.I have low self-esteem. I think doing Step 4 will help me take an honest inventory of both the good and bad instead of just continuing to beat myself up about the bad stuff. I also find exercise makes me feel a lot stronger and more assertive. : )
Can very much relate to your share. I am 50 and spent my whole adult life pretending to be an adult ( and in fear that at some point someone would "out" me as not an adult). Then my whole life ( my childhood) came crashing down on me hard and i went into total isolation. I beleived all the things told to me as a child... not smart enough, pretty enough, motivated enough etc. Wondered how in the world anyone could love me. Truth was is was all a facade... i was blessed withthe fact that i have several people who love me... i just didn't love myself enough to accept that. Didn't feel worthy i guess you would say. Relaity is i am quite intelligent and motivated ( jury is still out on the pretty part lol ). I work really hard everday to remind myself that I am loveable and will continue to do so until it becomes natural for me. You are a beautiful person who deserves to love and be loved. Blessings to you
I too can relate to your post. My dynamic was really funny, because on the outside I held everything together. I was a successful single parent, a successful business woman, but a weak, helpless child inside. Everyone called me things like "Powerful, strong, independent, smart . . . " I didn't believe any of them. All of my accomplishments were simply things I had to do to survive, they weren't because I was good at anything.
But when someone abused me, pulled me down, told me I was bad I gobbled it up like candy.
Working the steps with a sponsor did miracles for me. These traits are by no means gone, but the increase in self confidence has been profound. The ability for the adult in me to take the child's hand and walk through the pain of the past and heal from the abuse and abandonment was incredible.
And the results speak for themselves. I travel the US talking in public. Have for 15 years. It is my biggest fear and I suffered through it horribly. Now I can honestly say it doesn't bother me at all. My relationships have improved, I can say "no", I can express an opinion without fear, I can ask for help when I need it, and I can say "I am angry, I am afraid, I am happy - and thank you" with much greater ease.
The program held my hand through this process. Working the steps again with a different sponsor starting Tuesday (SO EXCITED), doing loads of research on my own, and my upcoming couples therapy will continue to help my growth in this area. I love it. It is hard, it is scary - but the results have been absolutely incredible and now I would walk over hot coals if necessary to continue my growth and these changes in myself - I no longer have to suffer quietly . . . heck I no longer have to suffer.
The beginning for me was getting a sponsor and doing my initial run through the steps.
It can be done. I didn't even KNOW that it was possible. I didn't even know a change in life was possible. I thought I was who I was and that is the way it would always be.
Now I know that ANYTHING is possible.
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
