The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've worked hard this past year, trying to build my own business (separate from my A). He's decided now he's not happy with his current job, and wants me to go back into business with him (we worked together for 15 years) and it was not a 50/50 relationship. I felt like his slave. We made good money, but he spent more. So, now we're really in a financial bind. He says he will do the traveling, with me home running the shop. I'm pretty sure that he will not travel long without me there to cater to his needs.
If he would travel without me, then I'd be delighted to support his idea, in some adjusted way. It's just that usually, things go back to where I worry and work, while he dreams and spends. Ya know, if you do what you always did, you get what you always get.
When I travelled with him, he was soooo jealous whenever I visited with our friends on the road. Life was misery for me.
We have no health insurance, but he is not willing to take a job where it would be available. When I suggest getting our own insurance, he says it's a ripoff. However, he goes to the doctor every time he has a hangnail, fills the prescription, and never takes it...I'm getting off track.
Any ideas out there???? Just say no? I'm not making a lot of money to help support us right now, but usually, I contribute at least 60%. I don't feel too guilty, thought maybe I should. It shouldn't be long til I once again pay my share and more.
Of course, I want him to be happy in his career, but not at my expense. I've suggested he open another business (more locally) but he doesn't seem to want to do that.
I'm so down this morning...I have so little strength and courage some days, and this is one. I've worked so hard to separate my happiness factor from his disease...I just refuse to allow it to enter this factor of my life.
Thanks for listening to me vent...gonna go hit my knees for a little talk with my HP.
hiya :) I can only say what I would do... And that is to do what gives me the most stability in case there comes a time where I would be alone. Living with an A leaves us open to many things that can leave us to fend for ourselves. Jail, illness, rehab etc. I also believe that the A should do everything for himself that he can, including work. A lot of people don't like their jobs, but that's just life. You gotta do what ya gotta do to survive. What ever decision you make, I hope it's one that makes you happy.
Good Luck to you Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I am not to sure but a thought is 1. If you don't feel comfortable with this then don't do it. 2. If it seems that this is something that you have to do set some boundaries or lots of boundaries and stick to them.
When I am unsure of things that are bothering me making a list of the pros and cons is something that helps me o make a decision and then maybe a list of what boundaries or say conditions I would want in place in order for me to take the steps that I need to take.
Most of all don't drive your self crazy over the whole situation. Take it one day at a time and trust your HP maybe hp has or will help you with your decision.
Best of luck on this one it must be difficult for you. Take it easy.
" I've suggested he open another business (more locally) but he doesn't seem to want to do that."
Yet it's OK for him to ask YOU to do something that you don't want to do. Soemtimes it's all right to say, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but unless we can come up with a new approach that makes us both happy, I'd like to keep things as they are"
Hi There glad u posted here today , u are on the right track , looking after your own needs. I believe u have a right to do what is best for you at any given time, considering the valid reservations u have about going into business with him again. Stick to your guns your doin fine. Louise
I know what it's like working with my A. I did the work, he raked in the money!! It was extreemly hard work, then he gave two years of 'our' retirement to his son!! Take care of yourself, dear lady. Love, TLC
any thing we do out of guilt is never going to work and it causes bitterness and alot of regret think of you do what is best for you and know it is ok.
Thank you guys...I really feel supported. It's so hard to stick to my decisions. Yesterday, he had made it to the pouting stage, and mentioned that I didn't get his "permission" to open the shop in the first place.
I made the decision that he can do what he wants...I will be happy to offer some support in whatever he chooses to do. I earn enough to pay half our expenses, and I have decided that is enough, or maybe more than enough, as I also am the homemaker.
I continue to keep an "eye on the sky", as I realize his period of sobriety is just that. Today, I'm not sure why I'm still here, but I'm sure on a good day with him, I will remember his good points. I'm building a future where I can provide for myself, but in the meantime trying to enjoy the present. There's never a guarantee that there will be a future. The present is all I have.
Well what can I add - not much. There is alot of good advice here, especially lin0606.
Being with an A, isn't easy. There are no guarentees in life and you need to look after yourself in all matters. I am not man bashing (I think) but A's ( I am recovering A almost 4 years) are not the most reliable people. There have been many jobs in my life that I have not wanted to do but had to do them... Thats part of life. It would be nice if we could all pick ur ideal jobs eh?
Stand your ground and look after yourself. Keep doing the Do's of the program & pray.Your in my prayers the the right answer will be given ny your HP and not your own will.
