The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My exAH/bf contacted me yesterday morning to find out how the kids were and to see if we were on the "off and off". I told him I thought we needed to talk. So he came over last night after he got off of work. I went into this conversation thinking we were definately going to end things. I had actually settled into it over the last week. But then he started talking and that is where I screwed up. I shouldn't have let him talk! He apologized for being a jerk last week, explained his money situation, explained work & school and life at home with his grandma. I just listened. I thought that is what I should do, just listen. Then I told him how I was feeling. How I felt like we didn't fit and that I thought he had a lot of resentment towards me b/c of what I have vs what he has. I told him I was tired of sitting around waiting for him to fit me & the kids into his schedule. So a couple of hours later, it was decided we would try to work on us again. We would "schedule" time every week so that we both knew that it would be "family" time. I stressed to him that as long as he put the kids as his absolute top priority, just like I do, then everything else would just fall into place. If the kids are happy, then I am happy. He said he would work on his priorities and make sure the kids and I were at the top. I've heard this before. We'll see how it goes.
So I tossed and turned for 5 1/2 hours last night, not getting any sleep, running this whole "talk" through my head. What am I doing and why??? At this point, I am not sure I am staying together with him for me. I am doing it more for the kids I think. If he is promising to spend more "family" time with us, that will benefit the kids. If we split up, he wouldn't see them at all and that would hurt them so badly. I just want me kids to be happy. I want them to have wonderful memories of family time, days spent hiking, playing, relaxing, laughing. So once again, I am going to try to keep this going. I know it will be great for a while, just like always. After a few months, maybe even 6 months, it will start to fall apart again. I just have to remember that I cannot and will not get stuck in that rut of sitting around waiting on him again. If I want to do something and he doesn't, I just need to get up and do it. If I can't get in touch with him, too bad for him...I will go on & do my thing. I need to be sure to include him, invite him but not to hold my breath for him.
I feel your pain and smile- because My A BF and I don't have children together but for 6 years I've spent almost every day wondering why I'm doing what I'm doing- Sending so much love your way with no answers because I'm right there with you! Feel me holding your hand? I feel like I can almost see you. Probably so many of us feel the same?
It's hard, isn't it? I've had that feeling too -- "He's saying all the right things and offering everything I want -- why should I have to turn him down now, when I've been waiting for him to say this for so long?"
For me, talking to him is like an alcoholic going back into a bar. I'm sure the alcoholic thinks, "I'm in control here, no problem ..." But then the promise of happiness gets held out ... and it's so attractive ... and it would make us feel so good ...
When I was with my last addict, I told myself that this was the last conversation and I was ending it -- let's see, it must have been eight times. It took me more than two and a half years beyond that first "last time" -- full of upheaval, turmoil, tears, and resolutions that I was really going to tell him it was over now. Then just as I was "ending it" one more time, he ended it. And I still had all those regrets -- "I bet I could have made it work if only I had ..." My rational side knows nothing could have made it work without much more change than he was ever willing to make (not just futile promises). But it's so hard to turn my back on that false hope.
One thing I realized is that while I thought my son was having a great time (and that was true in the short term), I was also teaching him that someone can be awful to you and you should go back to them again and again. I hope he doesn't choose a partner who treats him as my partners treated me.
Hang on to your recovery -- you can do that with him or not with him! Keep coming back.
Thanks glad & Mattie. It helps to know I am not the only one. I feel guilty in a way b/c I feel like I SHOULD walk away b/c that would be the sane thing to do for myself. But at the same time, I feel guilty b/c I wonder if walking away would be a selfish thing to do. Arrg. Ya know, I just wish I could turn back the time and never have made that phone call 18 months ago that got us back together. Arrg.
It's a very tough situation. Even tougher when there are kids involved. Keep working your program and take care of yourself. If you and the kids have plans, definitely invite him if you feel like it, but don't sit around waiting for him. You have a life, live it. If he wants to come along, fine, if not you still have your life.
I started doing this 4 years ago after I started Al Anon and my husband soon after quit drinking. I still do it. He used to not go sometimes which was fine with me. I went. I had fun. I came home and talked about it. Now, he mostly comes with me. I guess he was worried about me having too much fun
Well, ok. I hear u saying ur not going to wait around, u will invite and if hes not into it, ur going to go ahead anyway. That is a good boundary to follow through on. It sounds like ur gaining some detachment here and that is exactly what you (we all) need dealing with an A. Waiting around for them - puts all of your lives on hold. Implemnting boundaries and inviting while still (constantly) detaching with love is what has worked for me. Life slowly begins to stop revolving around the disease and the family becomes the priority.
Remind yourself not to take on, fix or own his issues, moods, whims, feelings or attitudes.
Best way to help and A is to focus on YOU and detach ~ way to work it!!! kcb
Recently i keep reminding myself, too, that life is not a destination - its a process just like program is ~ so get out there and enjoy it! tc
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
How about If he shows up drunk on one of your family days?? Do you allow him to be drunk around the children? Is that a boundary? I didnt hear any of that. It seems the priority was if he shows up or not. What makes you think it will be different this time if he is still drinking?? Is he in recovery. ??
Are you still hanging on to the dream that your not a complete family unless the Daddy is there?? What do you want.???
They say in Al-anon " Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result".
For the A, its not about whether he wants to be with you or the family, Im sure he would like to be. The first priority for an addict is the drinking. Your not dealing with a normal man. Your dealing with a person that has a compulsion, sad as that may seem, its a fact. As much as you want you and the kids to be a priority, the priority is the addict getting sober. I cant give you advice and tell you what to do, but if it were me. The number one rule for the addict , is that he would have to be sober to be with the family first and above all. Wishing you strength and courage and wisdom. Bettina
