The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i knew in my own mind that my marriage to AH was almost definitely over - i just didnt think the ending of it would have been quite so unpleasant.
AH and i have been living apart since January and i had given him an ultimatum that if he hadnt sorted himself out by August (my birthday) then our marriage was over. he had really been making an effort of late....he had slipped a few times but not when i was around. then, after fighting the system and taking my previous employers to court i got my settlement this week. it wasnt a large amount but enough to set my business up with. as soon as he found out i had got my payout the demands started. he needed money for this bill, money for that bill, money to sort out a loan that we had both run up and got behind with etc. i paid what i considered my fair share (almost half of everything). he asked me to give him the money so he could make the payments. i refused and asked for the bills - i paid them myself so i know the money went on them and not down his throat. he accused me of being controlling. he accused me of being emotionally aggressive (whatever that means). a short while ago someone who i got to know very well on a forum came to live near us. she was really down on her luck but she is now settled in her own place and looking forward to her new life. oh my oh my. AH now thinks i am on the turn, that i have bought my internet lover to live near me, that i spend all my time with her rather than with him (my friend and i walk our dogs together twice a day for about an hour by the way and have coffee afterwards).
on sunday AH helped me put up a new light fitting. i had prewarned him that i needed to be done by 4pm as i would be taking the dog out with my friend. he became sulky and moody making snide comments which i wont repeat as they were pure filth. in the end he had to ask a neighbour for some help with the wiring. the neighbour said he was going to the pub and would AH like to go? AH jumped at the chance a bailed out as fast as he could despite my having cooked us both a roast dinner. i was cross but said nothing. i ate my dinner, put his on a plate and left it in his microwave, walked my dog as planned, showered and settled down to my computer and studying. around 9pm i heard his car come back and a little while later i got a text from him asking if i were going over to his place. i text back and said i needed to walk the dog once more so i would call in on my way past. when i arrived there he brushed straight past me, looked up and down the pathway outside his place and then pushed past me again to return to his seat. he rolled a spliff. he already smelled of cannabis and booze, his eyes were bloodshot and he was bright red in the face (a sure sign he was about to kick off). i played right into his hands, stoopid me. i asked him what he was looking for. he replied "just checking to see if your internet lover was with you. has she let you out on your own? thats nice of her. i thought you were my wife - not hers" .
GOOD GRIEF!!!! insecurity, jealousy, booze, and cannabis!!! not a good combination. OH DEARY ME!!! i was tired, in pain, hurt by his inference, and down right cross!!! the arguement that followed wasnt pleasant and i told him in no uncertain terms that i had done with all the ****. i left without saying another word. i was hoping he would calm down overnight and we could talk sensibly today. some hope. he didnt get up till around noon and text me... i dont know what i have done! (yeah right!! ) heard it all before mate. doesnt work anymore. anyway i went over to try and talk with him and told him what he had done. he said he couldnt remember. (likely tale! ) i said i resented the inference that there was something going on between me and my friend, i resented how he embarrassed me infront of our mutual friends, and i had now lost patience with him. he then accused me of leaving him with nothing, called me a few really disgusting names, and went to pick up the kettle (not sure if he was going to throw it at me or make a drink - didnt stay long enough to find out!) i left. shortly after arriving home i found AH at my door. he was shouting all sorts of names at me and threatening to go down and sort my friend out - and off he went. i tried to text her to warn her to keep her door shut but he got there before i could find my phone. she text me a short while later saying that he had threatened to beat her boyfriend up!!??!!! (boyfriend??? hello....clues are there!!). i went to see if she was ok and then went to tackle AH.
it was most unpleasant,,,some of the neighbours got involved and pulled him inside his place. i have told him to leave me (and my friend) alone. i want nothing more to do with him. we met by accident some time later at the communal area where we do the pot washing but i ignored him. totally blanked him. he goaded and goaded but i didnt even turn my head (although i could see out of the corner of my eye exactly what he had in his hands, just in case).
we have been married just over 7 years. we wont be married much longer. i am seeing a solicitor and starting divorce proceedings tomorrow. i cant take any more. i have done my best for him and it was never good enough. now i am doing what is best for me. i will have a life - a good life - a life free from bullying, guilt, shame and embarrassment. since living on my own i have realised just how much money was wasted on his addictions. i have started to save!!! for the first time in 7 years i have money in my bank account that i can call mine and it feels great. i am not rich. i probably never will be rich but i am comfortable, coping and content in my new home. i'm sorry this was a bit long but i needed to share, to get it off my chest and out of my system. i am calm. i am quiet. my dog is asleep and my music is playing softly in the background. susan boyle is singing " i am who i was born to be" . yes susan you are. and someday soon, when all my training is done, so will i be! gilly
Unfortunately I can relate a great deal with this post. My exah used to accuse me of cheating also, with the most absurd of characters. It wasn't even the accusations of infidelity that pist me off as much as who he was accusing me of doing it WITH. I mean, ugh, give me some credit here, if I was going to sleep around, I'd at least want it to be with someone stunningly gorgeous, filthy rich and obscenely charismatic!!!! ;O)
I've heard it said to me on different occasions, "how long do you want to ride the Merry-Go-Round?" That its my choice when to get off. I've taken that to heart lately. Following our intuition that only has our best interests at heart is sometimes difficult to do, but I am confident it produces very rewarding results.
How stressful. He is really showing his lack of recovery, isn't he? When my A acts normal for a while I tend to forget how crazy-minded he can be. So it's as if I keep saying, "Oh, I bet the stove isn't hot, I'll just get a little closer -- yes, it's fine, everything's dandy -- I'll just get a little closer -- ouch! ouch!!!"
It is helpful to hear your story. Soon after we separated my A ex-H got it into his head that I was having an affair with a (female) friend of mine. Not only was this the most unlikely thing and the farthest from anything I'd do, but she lives 6000 miles away! I was going on a trip to a neighboring state and he got it into his head that I was going to have a secret rendezvous with her there. This was so outrageous I just had to laugh. My private opinion is that he couldn't think why I would leave such a wonderful man as he was, and it had to be that I actually didn't like men at all. The idea that I was finally healthy enough to leave an unreliable, dishonest, paranoid man like him never crossed his mind. Aren't they amazing?
He's an alcoholic. How many times do you need to catch him being an alcoholic?
I know it's crazymaking living like that. This is your opportunity to continue with Alanon whether he's in your life or not. We have to keep our side of the street clean no matter what the other person is doing or not doing.
Actions speak louder than words huh? He is showing you exactly what he is ... an A Blessings to you
you are so right! yes i have seen him for what he is. i no longer see him for what i think he is, or what i think he could be, or who i would like him to be. i see him for the A that he is. i have finally accepted that i can do no more for him and that what i do from hereon in must be for me. today, whilst talking things over with my friend who got caught up in all the nastiness, i realised that i feel no guilt for walking away. and why should i? when i am ill i go to the doctors, when i have toothache i visit the dentist, when i am out of control or depressed i see my councellor! i am in control of my own life and it feels wonderful, uplifting, comforting even to know that i can survive this. i wish you all the peace i feel right now and thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all the support you have given me.
now that i have found myself again i will not be leaving this place. i will still call in and offer my words of experience to anyone who wants to read them. my recovery has just begun in earnest and there will be no better testament to give to you all than an account of a life being rebuilt the other side of this awful disease. let your HP guide you to a place of serenity and let yourself become free of the burdens you have all carried for so long.
This sounds much like the chaos at the end of my relationship. You are certainly not alone.
Be good to yourself. None of us go from being married/ involved to separated in one pretty swoop. Generally there are some nasty bits inbetween.
I don't know if you have a plan be. Just making one helped me. I need a new plan be and these days I am willing to go there.
Maresie.
Maresie....i have a plan b, c, d, e, and maybe f at the moment. my life as you know has taken on a whole new direction from that which it was supposed to follow. i expected to be nervous, scared even but i am full of hope and determination.
plan b - get qualified,(doing that now) plan c - get some transport cos he got custody of the car ( my van gets delivered on friday) plan d - get the finance to launch the business (already promised by the bank as soon as i qualify) plan e - launch the business and reach for the skies!!!! plan f - TAKE A WELL EARNED HOLIDAY!!!!!! (working on this one)
