The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everyone. I was just looking for some advice, experience, etc. I'm currently in a relationship with my Abf-sober. Though he hasn't taken a drink in 8 years, he has not been active in his program for the better part of 2 years. He has been sporadically going to meetings for the past 6 months I would say and he and I also have alot of trust issues. He is in therapy and is going to meetings here and there.
In the past I would have been up and down him to go to meetings but I've learned--very slowly--that I can't control what he does. He knows what he needs. He has the tools he needs. But I can't make him do it. I can encourage and support when he wants to go, I can focus on me, I can go to my meetings, I can set my own goals. I've accepted what I can do and I have been trying my best to do it.
I'm living one day at a time, in the moment. I'm trying not to obesses about the past or worry about the future. I am journaling, laughing more, loving myself and through this have found my heart beginning to open ever so slightly to my bf again. He and I have been getting along very well, it's been calmer when the kids are there, we have all been interacting more and I find when I want to get on him about meetings I choose an activity that focuses on ME instead. I have even allowed myself the positive thought of we could possibly do this.
But is it possible? can a recovering AA who is sporadic and a Codie in recovery really able do this relationship thing? or am I kidding myself....
__________________
"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
(((((Lizzakiss)))))...it happens everyday one day at a time. What helps for me is to stand still...look down at my feet and ask myself where am I at? When I accept that I look straight up and ask, "Where do you want me?" I usually go with the second response. And I am married also.
no your not kidding yourself it is possible . as long as u keep going to your meetings becomming stronger and finding the courage to take care of yourself . Regardless of what he does you will be just fine ... My husb in his first 3 yr of sobriety went to 3 meetings a week after 5 yrs he cut down to one , he continued to improve all the time .. I dont worry about him drinking again because i finally know that I have absolutley no control over what he does ... it finally moved from my head to my heart . Keep asking for what u need , dont accept unexceptable behavior and remember nothing u say or do will cause him to drink again , were simply not that powerful . Is my marriage perfect NO - do I have everything I want NO but today I accept what is offered and make it enough . anything is possible believe it . Louise
Hmmm I guess i have a different perpective on this and likely not the popular one. First let me say there are no perfect relationships out there A or no A relationships will always have thier ups and downs. But in my own opinion the point of recovery is to learn new and acceptable behaviors If one is not working some sort of program regularly and applying lessons learned to change behaviors then what you have is a dry drunk who may not be drinking but is not changing behviors either. But the bottom line is what you are willing to accept.... if your bf's behavior is acceptable to you than you can be happy but I sense that if you are posting about it and questioning it then there are things you are not comfortable with. Again this is just my own opinion Blessings to you
From my experience, my AHSober has been harder to live with/without (he left) then any drunk I went through with him. He worked a program for awhile and doesn't do anything. now. The disease is cunning, baffling even in sobriety. We are to work our program. We can ask for a miracle for ourselves.
