The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Which is worse? Wondering where your drunk husband is for an entire week while he's on a bender and then having to take him to the hospital when he can't stop....about twice a year..... Or.....having to send your kids off with him and his new girlfriend every Saturday and soon every other weekend for the whole weekend?
I vote having to send my kids off. Sad to say...but thats how I feel, I think I'd rather live through that holy hell and have the good times our family had together for months out of the year, because at least I had my kids with me all the time.
How about....your kids having at least ONE place in their world that is safe and sane? Your place. How about them knowing that you are there for them and not chasing off or worrying about the A? How about them being able to see their dad for who he really is without you running interference so that they see what the painful consequences of being an A really are. Those things are priceless to the well being of your kids.
Yes, it sucks and hurts when WE have to see the A "moving on" with someone new. The truth is, they are not "moving on" they are staying in the same place and just replacing what they lost.
Now, if you are really concerned for your children's saftey when they have to visit him, because he is drunk, using or abusive to them, then that is a legitimate motive to go back to court and rework visitation. That is our job as the sober parent.
But, you're right, the grass isn't always greener. And when I am looking at someone else's "grASS" I have to remind myself that their "grASS" is none of my business....what's my motive?
I would not want to have to make a choice between those two situations They both sound unacceptable.
Thank goodness we are part of AlAnon and get new tools to build a life surrounded by a supporting group of friends and a HIgher Power who wants only the best for us.
This life journey using alanon tools is full of endless possibilities that will truly surprise you as it did me.
Keep coming back HP has not finished with us yet
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 16th of March 2010 01:37:03 PM
Assuming you are not concerned for their saftey while they are there and can let go, you could also use the free time to do some very special things for YOU. Things you cannot do while you are watching the kids. There are a lot of things I would like to do for ME if I had a free day or weekend! Take up a new hobby? Go work out? Meet some friends? Read a book? Home reno project? Take the focus off the A and put the focus on YOU. You can't rely on your kids being the sole focus of your happiness, as you are just replacing the co-dependant from your AH onto your kids. I struggle with this a lot, and need to make sure that I am not making my kids feel responsible for filling a hole in me. That is my job. Happiness is an inside job. The kids will also feel better if they know you are having a good time while they are gone. It would be hard for them to enjoy their time with their dad (which they deserve) if they are worried about you and feeling bad for leaving.
Now, if you are concerned for their safety, I would start documenting evidence and take it back to court!
Just my thoughts.. take what you like and leave the rest!
Aloha SD...looks like you're processing and with the right group it think. Lots of the stuff about alcoholic relationships and loyalties use to threaten me also but the group supported me and offered different and growth perspectives all along the way. The program saved my butt and sanity. They taught me to get out of my head and to listen to the experiences and perspectives of the membership and to learn. The picture back then was rarely how I pictured and feared it...it just wasn't and I learned that there wasn't an real "have to's" when it came to my choices. Early on I thought I had to do certain things in certain ways for certain reasons (mostly so that no fingers could or would point back at me) and then I found out that was a part of my enabling thinking, feeling and behaving. God!! to understand that I could change was so freeing.
Keep coming back and trusting MIP and the Al-Anon program and allowing us to look at your picture thru our eyes also.
Sounds terrible. I lament the good times we had as a family. My sons (grown) go from my house where they were raised to their Dad's house (no rules). But I have to stop the resentment from building up. My sons seem much more resilient than I am.
