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Wow, I am really seeking ESH today. I haven't posted in a while, but I have been keeping up on reading. I am struggling with my relationship with my AexBF. I ended our relationship at the beginning of February and had begun to be accustomed to more peace in my life - at least as it relates to worrying about him. We were not in contact at all for a few weeks, but the emails and texts started up again. Sometimes just brief notes or updates, but slowly more & more communications. I didn't encourage this but didn't really actively discourage it either. I maintained some boundaries and didn't respond to messages that bothered me - yeah! as sign of growth.
But last week we agreed to meet for dinner because he wanted to talk about things. On one hand, I thought this was a reasonable request because I did the breaking up and the other person is never really prepared for the message. But it was also a sign of my co-dependence and feeding his denial. I cannot even quantify how many times I had discussed the effect of his drinking on me and our relationship, so a new discuss wasn't really necessary. And it was more of the same at dinner. He is so textbook - in denial, deflecting towards others (for example, why don't I get upset when my friends drink too much and I only get upset when he does). And it is good when he is "textbook" because I constantly have self-doubt about whether I am right about him (being an A) or if I am being selfish by not working on the relationship more (yes - I am a textbook codie too).
To make a long story short - he says he is making "healthy changes" in his life and that he has read some of the info on drinking that I sent him MONTHS ago. He says he is doing this for himself and not for me, but that he wants to consider getting back together. Every day since dinner I have gotten an email or text telling me that its the "4th day of abstaining" - or whatever day it is - but it seems like his new abstaining is limited to drinking at home.
My bottom line is that I don't want a relationship with an active A or a dry-drunk without a program. I can say that here, but I am having a hard time saying that to him. And I am not even sure if I want a relationship if he chooses recovery with AA. This has always been hanging over our relationship (we were together for 1 year) and I don't know if his quitting drinking is enough for me.
So, I really need to let go (and let God), but I haven't really gotten to that point in my recovery here yet. I am still trying to control this situation and am very scared that if I directly and bluntly tell him my bottom line, that he won't continue with whatever abstinence program he has for himself. Arrrgggghhh - I would tell anyone else who said what I just wrote that its not your responsibility and that you can't stop anyone from drinking!! Clearly my advice to others doesn't apply to me...
Thanks for letting me share. Any ESH on letting go and turning things over to your HP would be greatly appreciated.
I think it is always harder for our hearts and brains to mesh when we are intimately involved.... Sounds very much like your head is guiding you well, for the most part, and your heart is trying to drag you back into the muck....
At the risk of sounding like a broken record, this is where journalling can be so valuable.... writing about your day, your feelings, through the good, the bad, and the ugly - there is an honesty that comes with it.... When our heart tries to pull on our emotional cords (or perhaps equally difficult, when the A plays on those heartstrings), we need something real (like a journal) to fall back on, so we trust what we know....
Aside from that - just a gentle reminder.... you can't "cause his sobriety" any more than you can "cause his drunkeness"
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
My A ex-H quit drinking so many times, after rehab, after going to AA, after re-starting with AA, after starting with AA yet another time... He always went back to drinking. I had a dear friend who helped me understand how few alcoholics actually manage to quit (less than 25%), because he had been in recovery (in AA for years) and had seen so many people come and go, and knew the statistics. And then after years sober, he lapsed himself ... and didn't get sober again. At that point I really began to understand how cunning, baffling, and powerful the disease is.
For myself, I know I must never get involved with an alcoholic again, even one with years of recovery and a strong program. I'm not saying that every drinker in recovery will lapse again -- even if 75% do, that means 25% don't. That's thousands of people who will stay sober. But for me to be involved with one is too dangerous, like an alcoholic going into a bar. An alcoholic will stay out of bars because the temptation to drink again is so strong, and I have to stay out of relationships with alcoholics because the pull to be codependent again is equally strong. If he did drink again, could I leave? Could I stay healthy? Could I stay detached? Or would I be just like the alcoholic who says, "I can control it, there's no problem. I could give it up if I wanted to! So what's the big deal?"
That's why I have to steer clear of alcoholics. The yearning for the relationship to work out "this time," the craving to "win" and have them love me above alcohol, the craving for attention and everything I fantasize the relationship could be... It's too strong, it messes with my mind. I wonder if you're feeling some of those things too?
Mattie wrote: That's why I have to steer clear of alcoholics. The yearning for the relationship to work out "this time," the craving to "win" and have them love me above alcohol, the craving for attention and everything I fantasize the relationship could be... It's too strong, it messes with my mind. I wonder if you're feeling some of those things too?
Not to derail Festfan's thread, but wow! what a lightbulb moment for me!
See, it's been bothering me why, after a couple of decades of avoiding relationships with drinkers, at the age of 41 I suddenly started dating recovering As. Which wasn't a successful endeavour, as these guys weren't strong in their sobriety.
I think I was trying to "win over alcoholism" (the original alcoholism being that of my parents) in forming these relationships. Perhaps with my pre-Al Anon thinking that I had somehow acquired the wisdom and the strength to accomplish this. Eeek.
Fest, in reading how you are questioning your possible future with this guy, it almost seems that there may be other negative aspects besides the Aism that are giving you pause. Perhaps something for you to explore?
I've always tried to follow a sort of "full disclosure" policy in my life -- if I have knowledge that would potentially affect another person's decision-making, I do tell them. Because I believe that others need to make their choices from a basis of full and complete information, and not based on assumptions that they may have made (particularly about me).
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Here's a question for you: Are you lonlier w/him or without him? When my A was active I was lonlier w/him. As much as I miss my beloved Tim, I don't miss the chaos. He may have been a quiet addict, but it was still hard. I didn't have a choice when he died. I did have a choice when he was alive. I got to the point when I had to tell him to go. It wasn't safe. He could have burned the building down. It broke my heart. But I needed to take care of me. If he were still alive I know we would not be together if he was still drinking.
I would suggest you look at Melody Beattie's book: The Language of Letting Go. It was helpful to me, it might be to you. I also used tricks such as taking his number off of speed dial. Sound silly? Maybe so. But it meant that EVERY time I felt like talking to him (or was it checking up on him?) I had to physically dial the number. It gave me an extra second or two to think about it. It really helped to detach.
Whether or not he chooses recovery is between him & his HP. The only thing that matters is your recovery regardless if he chooses it or not. Recovery is about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve. Love & blessings to you.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
You're doing okay Fest...trust the process. We will never reach perfection; its all about progress. We all share similarities especially when it comes to centering around the table talking about our reactions to alcoholism. Living in alcoholism isn't a natural way to live it requires abnormal thinking, feeling, spirit and behavior. This is a learning process and its okay perfectly to step out of it and to seek a more normal way of life what ever that is. Alcoholism is normal for me...I was born in it and deeply affected by it and then I came to want something better which I found when I entered the rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups. Normal for me today is living altered; affected by the disease of alcoholism and know more about that than another way ...and... having this program of recovery that balances it all out.
Imagine that when you come here looking for support, talking about how life is going for you at the moment and seeking ESH from other members so that your life can be better, you are actually also helping another member(s) to choose to remain in sanity and serenity. In time, with help you may even arrive at a place that I did which soooo many others here have also thru the program. "Its my choice if I want to deal with the alcoholic at all. I can if I want to keeping the realities in mind or I can say...No, not now, not today and then move on to the next thing whatever that is that I choose for myself. I am responsible for my peace of mind and serenity and not ashamed that it takes an entire worldwide program of recovery and thousands of others to help me do that.
At the risk of sounding like a broken record, this is where journalling can be so valuable.... writing about your day, your feelings, through the good, the bad, and the ugly - there is an honesty that comes with it.... When our heart tries to pull on our emotional cords (or perhaps equally difficult, when the A plays on those heartstrings), we need something real (like a journal) to fall back on, so we trust what we know....
Tom - thanks so much for that very timely advice! I had been thinking about that for a little while now, and actually bought a small notebook to keep with me to jot some things down. During our relationship, I would sometimes take "note" in my cell phone when the BF was having a particularly bad episode - to remind myself of how I was feeling and to have the words to descibe that to him. Never helped him, but it helped me not to ignore it when the chaos simmered down!
Mattie wrote: That's why I have to steer clear of alcoholics. The yearning for the relationship to work out "this time," the craving to "win" and have them love me above alcohol, the craving for attention and everything I fantasize the relationship could be... It's too strong, it messes with my mind. I wonder if you're feeling some of those things too?
Not to derail Festfan's thread, but wow! what a lightbulb moment for me!
Yes - a very good lightbulb moment indeed! I was discussing this with my therapist tonight - really evaluating and validating that its OK for me not to want to be with someone who is an A, even though he may or may not seek recovery. It is just too much of a compromise on my (current and improving) view of a healthy relationship. Like what Karilynn wrote - it can be very lonely being with an A, and I was already experiencing that and I don't want that to be my life. My mother is a newly recovering A and I want to break my cycle of being drawn to chaos...
Thank you everyone for the wonderful ESH - I knew you would come through!
Eeek.
