The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's one thing to be able to detach from the ex AH....I can do that a little better....my problem is trying to detach from the new girlfriend who is now in control of his life. For whatever reason she decides to pick up where I left off.
My problem with her is I know her, and I know the type of person she is, and while she's putting on a good show and making everyone think she's this wonderful person, I can't deal with anything about her. It's only been 6 months since the AH left...and my kids have yet to be around him with her, the older ones aren't ready for that, but she is making him push them into all being one big happy family.
This week is my youngest childs bday...she will be 8. He has never ever planned a birthday party for her, nor been involved in any of our 4 kids bday parties. Suddenly...he and the new gf want to have their own bday party for her. Remember, none of my kids have been around them as a couple yet at all. (oldest is out of the house...others are 15, and 11) This is obviously her doing. I think of a million reasons as to why she wants our kids involved with them so badly, and I wonder if part of it is, one to really win him over, or two, because he can't drink around them (as stated in the papers) Either way...I know all this is irrelevant, and I shouldnt' focus or worry about it, but dear God, I am only human and I am so sad over this whole thing. This is MY Daughter...not hers, and how dare she try to win her over by planning a party for them, like they are just one big happy family now..... I dont think I can deal with this this week and feel like i'll have a break down over it. please help, without saying go to a meeting!!
I am sorry that you are having a difficult week and time with this. You are human and it is completely understandable that this would cause a struggle or inner panic for you.
Although I can't relate to your specific situation at the moment, the one thing that I can say is that no matter what this GF does or doesn't do, the relationship that you have with your kids is unique and beyond comparison. It always will be. No party or any other events can ever change that one bit.
I am new to Alanon, but this program and the people are extremely helpful. I find myself coming back to the Serenity prayer constantly.
Thank you for sharing and know that I am sending a sincere hug your way. Peace to you, I know because you are on this site and because of your honest and insightful post that you are WONDERFUL person and mother. Remind yourself of that.
I do believe detachment is the hardest when we are hit right in the gut by our triggers.
I also know that one of my core issues is wanting an alcoholic to acknowledge and approve of me. I'll often find myself crushed by the brush off and there usually is one.
What I have learned to do is to get very very very busy around people who are bothering me. I've also learned as we say in al anon not to go to the butchers to buy bread. It may seem like the alcoholic and his girlfriend are getting emotional needs met. I must say most alcoholics put on a great show! They are certainly far more apt to put on a show to needle you.
For me around those people the less I know the better. So I don't know that you need to know the specifics in minute detail of this birthday party. Of course you may want to hear the specifics because your issues are triggered and your children are involved. Do you really need to hear and find out about every single detail of what your ex is doing?
A huge part of my detachment was to not speak to the ex A for one day at a time. I also didn't speak to his friends or family. While I certainly understand you can't do that nevertheless you can limit your contact with them and you can limit how much you talk about them to people who aren't in al anon. I have found great healing talking in al anon about the ex A.
Working a program is really really hard when you are really triggered and that is when you need the tools the most. I know I have to work on my tools each and every day, sooner or later I will be hit square in the eyes by a trigger.
Aloha SC...If you don't want us to say what works and has worked for us the powerlessness becomes absolute. If you're not willing to try what worked for others you're only left to what is not working for you and doing that over and over and over right into insanity.
Pray for her...After you left the disease said next and she stepped up. Sad You couldn't do it and no one else can either. She is going to try her best at what she thinks she can and should do and you will be the one with the awareness of what will happen. Ask your HP to bless her and give her everything HP could will for those that HP loves...including yourself.
Take sometime for quiet and meditaton and reflection and ask yourself this question...When was it that you agreed to let them rent space in your head and to take occupancy while you needed it empty and quiet?
You are responsible for what you think and how. You are responsible for your feelings and the ones you choose to feel. You are responsible for the mis- management of your personal situation. These are what I needed to hear from those who came before me and were willing to support me but I had to get where they met first. That was also my responsiblility. My fairy godmother had left long before. It was now all up to me and I'm glad the door wasn't closed and locked.
Detachment starts when you can self focus on your needs and life and are able to say with love...I don't need you all hanging around, I can manage this.
In support (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 15th of March 2010 11:00:48 PM
I understand how you feel. My response is a little off topic of AlAnon since the situation in my life that I relate to you does not have to do with my Abf-sober but to my ex-husband, who is not an alcoholic. He and I split up in March of 2006 and he immediately filed for divorce. In April of 06 I found out he was dating my supposed close friend who had at the time mysteriously stopped contacting me. I found out from my 5 yr old daughter at the time that , "daddy is kissing margo...why mommy?" well mystery solved and a whole new batch of emotions. I knew my marriage was over, and I wanted it to be but I had so much hatred for this woman now. And by Aug 06 they bought a house and November 06 they were married--excactly one week after my ex's and my anniversary date. I watched him go on vacations and parties and be social and thought, "where were you when we were married?" but I didn't have hatred for him...but her--different story. She was a predator, but she painted herself as this laid back, earth mother, love the world type. My ex and I have a 50/50 custody arrangement because I did not want his bond with our daughter to suffer so I watched this woman fawn all over her and make all these plans and the bday thing---TOTALLY relate. I did EVERYTHING when we were married and now he was Mr Planner. It made me angry.
I guess the comment that really resonated with me is your "she is MY daughter" one. You know that, and the new GF knows that, but most importantly YOUR DAUGHTER knows that. and this new GF can spoil her to the moon and back, but she will NEVER take YOUR place in your daughter's life. and regardless of whether or not this woman stays with her dad, your daughter is going to turn to you for the important stuff, will miss YOU while she's at her dad's and won't be able to wait to get back home to YOU when the weekend with her dad is done. I was the same way in the beginning, I was thinking, "you have my old life you cannot have my daughter!" but time does heal all wounds and now with being in AlAnon I've learned about detatching and have a peace and serenity that extends way beyond my Abf-sober. You hang in there b/c it will get easier and you have a firmly cemented place in your daughter's heart and life...no one will ever take that from you.
Sorry to have rambled, hope you can take something from this....((hugs))
__________________
"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
