The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I wonder whether anyone has any tips on detatching. I have now come to realise that there is absolutely no chance of a reconciliation with my ex-a and myself. He has told me that he loves me , but will always cheat on me with other women, it is something he cannot help and I deserve better. Quite frankly i agree with him, but i still love him and just cannt turn my feelings off. I have just got to involved and I am hurting enormously. Can anyone help me with this.
When I think of detaching, I always think of detaching with love. Usually it was trying to separate the person I love from the disease.
Don't know this guy you love,whether he is a sex addict or what. But he is already telling you he will always cheat on you. You know you deserve better than having to share a man with other women.
I was involved with a guy who "loved" me and the problem was that he also "loved" another woman who he saw at the same time. I soon got tired of this and got rid of him.
I don't know how to detach from feelings of loving someone because those feelings are so strong. And last a long time. I do know love is not supposed to hurt.
Hi...sometimes when I have a problem, I try to attack it from a different angle. Instead of focusing on what isn't there (a good relationship with the A), try to focus elsewhere, such as making new friends, or even better, make YOU your best friend.
Also, each time you think you want to be with him, imagine the sight of him with other women, or imagine smelling another woman's scent on him...a real turnoff.
Or, think of sexually transmitted diseases....everytime you are intimate with him, consider yourself also intimate with all his sexual partners.
I know you must be feeling a lot of pain over this, and I wish you some comfort today. Be gentle with yourself, and love yourself more than you love him.
Just some thought for you to ponder about detaching.....
Detachment is the :
.Ability to allow people, places, or things the freedom to be themselves.
.Holding back from the need to rescue, save, or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional, or irrational.
.Giving another person "the space" to be him or herself.
.Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.
.Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.
.Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.
.Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.
.Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.
.Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern, and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, or controlling.
.Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
.Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on to beyond a reasonable and rational point.
.Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
.Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be."
.Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.
I read a really good book last year called "Mending a Broken Heart" to learn to detach from my A. I loved him so much it was killing me to see him kill himself.
After reading that book, which is VERy insightful, I am a lot different. This book is very serious about how and why we fall in love, and why it is sometimes in an unhealthy relationship, and how not only to recover from the unhealhty love we find ourselves in but how to recover from it so we make better choices the next time. I got a LOT out of it.
Also...time DOES heal all wounds...it won't be instantaneous. It will take months, maybe a year or more for you to not feel that it is a raw wound...
I hope you feel better soon. Others have already given you some great advice on how to handle things for the short term until you have some time to heal.
I told my A I needed time to work on myself and that I wanted us to not contact each other during this time. One month turned into two, two months turned into three, etc. etc. It got easier as each month passed. Now, one year later, I want nothing to do with my ex A. I have no desire to have any contact with A. Detaching with love does work.
Start with baby steps. Tell yourself you will completely detach for one month, then at the end of that month, tell yourself two months, etc.
The line "he sees other women and just can't help himself" or words to that effect really stuck out for me. Based on my experience dealing with a recovering sex addict, that is a real red flag. Hope you are taking care of YOU. Detaching with a situation is difficult, even more so when it is dealing with something so personal. Good luck to you.
I can tell you and agree with the othert posts detaching with love .I left my ex a 3 years ago i carried every box in tears but I knoew i loved him so much i left him sounds funny but loveing someone sometimes means letting them go
