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I'm writing for your thoughts on cutting off my husband's financial access. I dated my husband for 2.5 years and then married him 1.5 years ago. He is a good person (think Indigo1's earlier post) who has slowly degraded and is now verbally and mentally abusive when drinking.
Prior to our marriage, my husband lost his job, and since then, I am supporting him and his children. I've been an enabler to his drinking, as I didn't fully understand all of its implications and seriousness (or maybe I was just ignoring it - I haven't yet dealt with that). In this 'enabling' we have repeated agreed on deadlines to stop and/or slow down his drinking, including me getting him a credit card (6k) and a loan ($900) to 'tide him over' until he could quit. Our financial situation has become tighter and tighter, including not being able to make needed repairs on vehicles and the house and not being able to purchase things for the children that we would have hoped to, as well as enrolling in a Debt Management Program to just keep afloat and not have to file bankruptcy.
A few months back, our last agreement was to stick to a very limited budget that would allow limited drinking on weekends. In a week, he spend 3.5 times the budget and is at it again this week. After the first binge week, I showed him how the budget is affecting our ability to pay our bills. Then again this week, he does it.
I think the time has come to cut off his ability to spend money (everything is still in my name). What will be the consequences of doing this? Is this a good step towards recovery or would I be making things worse? How do I tell him I am doing it?
I'm worried, very worried. There are other things (think the mental and verbal abuse) and the kids to think about too, but inaction has done nothing but gain us more heartache. (Yes, he knows he an alcoholic, no he is NOT willing or interested in doing anything about it other than make promises with me - trust me, I have gone over many, many options with him.)
If you have any advice, I would VERY MUCH appreciate it. Many thanks and peace to you and yours.
Long ago I recognized the futility of expecting sound, rational decision-making and judgement from an active alcoholic. Drinking is their #1 consideration, and all else falls by the wayside. Including, unfortunately, the wellbeing of their loved ones.
In your position, I would take whatever steps were necessary to ensure the basic necessities of life were safely in place for my family. But I've always found it easier to set concrete, tangible boundaries like in financial matters than with emotional or behavioral issues.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
You've seen where his priorities are. It's up to you to take care of yourself and your kids. If that means securing the finances, then so be it. You've communicated your concerns to him multiple times, he's been unable to comply, so now he must accept the consequences of his choices.
Just my opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest.
tlynn, I have been with my AH a lot longer than you have been with yours - some 40 years, in fact. He was always a heavy drinker but the last 5-6 years he has been totally alcohol dependent. This means he suffers severe physical reactions when he doesn't get any drink. De-toxes have been tried and failed and he has so many hospital admissions I have stopped counting.
Anyway, we have always had a joint bank account. My salary had always been paid into this account but for the last few years it has been only my salary - he has not been earning although he has a very small pension from a past employer. During one of his hospital admissions I discovered he had taken out a £14,000 ($21246 dollars) loan on our joint account! He hadn't thought to tell me. So I sat down with one of the bank's advisers who set me up with on-line banking. I arranged for my salary to be paid into my personal account and transferred all the direct debit debits, which pay the bills, to this account. I didn't close the joint account because I can see at a glance what he is doing with it. I'm not totally sure of the legal situation but I think I would be responsible for any debts he amassed so I have, rightly or wrongly, left my name on it. He has pension but still needs to be supplemented - I try not to let the account overdraw. I can just imagine people saying "stupid woman, she is enabling him" I have a problem with the word "enable" Alanon tells you you didn;t cause it, cannot control it and certainly cannot cure it but, apparently you can be guilty of "enabling"!
I'm not in any way trying to tell you what to do. Just what has worked (after a fashion) for me.
I am also the 'breadwinner' so to speak in my family, and my AH is regularly laid off in the winter. I found that I was enabling his drinking by allowing him free access to the bank accounts and made it so that he always had money for alcohol, and usually it was me that went without, and the bills that ended up not paid, and my stress that went up because of the unpaid bills. AH didn't care, he had his beer, and he still wanted more.... I realized that this was one of my 'enabling" actions that was stopping him from feeling the pain of his disease, because he could still act like a 'big man' handing his paycheck over to the 'wife' (even though he spent that and then some on beer and smokes!) I told my AH the ground rules. I would expect $X per week (our household bills, split based on our proportional incomes) from him to help with his share of the bills (fully expecting him to break the rules, as A's always do), and that any extra he made would be his to spend as he wished. I cut off his access to my accounts where I held the bill paying money. And I made sure that I started spending some of my hard earned money on ME. He didn't like it. I changed the rules on him and he PUSHED BACK. HARD. He noticed that he didn't have money to do as he wished when he wished. He yelled, and argued. But I held firm. I stated that if he did not feel like he could contribute to the household bills, that we would need to move to a smaller house back in town that I could afford on my own. And he would need to face that fact that he could not support himself, much less his kids. He always maintained that his drinking was not a problem because he still went to work and supported his family. Ha! He only covered half the cost of supporting himself in the manner to which he was accustomed! Wakeup call... the money tree dried up!
It's still a work in progress. I found that I regained some serenity, as I had control of my money and didn't need to worry anymore about where my AH was spending his. He is feeling the effects of his drinking more. Just this week he stated that he needed some money to go on a weekend road trip, because he was out in his account. He needed gas, coffee smokes etc he said. I said that he would need to find an offset in his money somewhere. Work more or spend less on the'other' things he spends his money on (I did not mention beer), and that I would not be giving up my money so that he could go. He was mad. It was hard, because my first instinct was to say 'Ok, here' and deprive myself. I felt guilty for saying no. It felt wrong and uncomfortable to me. But I held firm. I stated that I was not going to deprive myself or the kids so that he could have more fun. He backed down. It is getting easier. Everytime he hits my boundary now, he backs off quicker. He isn't pushing so hard. And I love myself now. I know that I deserve to spend money on me and the kids. I think he sees that too. And I know that he wouldn't sacrifice his good times for me!
Long and short, if you decide that it is best for you and your family to cut him off spending your hard earned money, either totally or by giving him a set weekly sum that you think is fair in cash so he can't keep dipping in, I bet you he will still find a way to get his booze. He could get a job. He will mooch off his friends (my AH's favourite right now...I am betting the neighbours must be getting pretty sick of buying beer every other day that my husband drinks when he shows up for his daily 'visit'.. again, not my problem...). But it will not be your problem any more. You could hand it back to him. What would he do if you were not there? He is an adult. But if you do, be prepared for PUSH BACK. Hold firm to your decisions. Do it for the right reasons, for your serenity, for YOU, not to control the amount he drinks. If you are doing it for the right reason, you will find it easier to hold firm to your boundary.
If I was the bread winner in the family and my AH was just spending money on alcohol, yes I would find a way to stop his access to the money. This won't neccessarily start the road to recovery for him, but will protect your finances for you and your children. In my situation my AH is the bread winner, as I am a stay at home mom and in the past year and a half we have experienced extreme finacial distress(thanks to the downturn of the economy). With this my AH has not been able to afford to by alcohol or pot, but some how has managed to get people to just give it to him. I don't know how he manages it, I don't know why his friends aren't tired of carrying him, but I do know when there is a will, there is a way.
Just wanted to add my 2 cents worth. My husband only works every now and then, usually he holds a job down for a couple of months then is unemployed an equal amount of time. When my husband isnt working and I have to try to figure out how to pay everything on my small check I totally take over the money (and no he doesnt like it) its just the way it is. I am not going to worry about my phone getting shut off, or no food in the house just so he can drink. As mentioned above this is not in an attempt to keep him from drinking, because believe me he always finds a way to drink when he wants to. When hes working and contributing to the household I just get what part of his paycheck I need to pay bills. Just know your not alone. ~hugs~
Your the only one working in the family , so your also buying his booze . I have learned u can make all the rules u want with an alcoholic , set deadlines etc it will give u something to do but don't plan on ever seeing it come to be... alcoholism dosent care about deadlines , ultimatums or promises it wants what it wants ...period and as your learning will go to any lengh to get its needs met . This is a disease and at the moment is running his life ,you truly are powerless over what he is doing , powerless never hopless there is a big difference . we spend alot of time and energy trying to solve a problem that has nothing to do with us , this is his stuff his disease leave it with him where it belongs ... If you choose to continue to support him that is your business , suggesting that he get a job is not out of line , protect yourself financially anyway u can or u will go down with him . Until we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves nothing will change . IF WERE GONNA DO WHAT WE ALWAYS DID WE ARE GOING TO GET WHAT WE ALWAYS GOT .
First let me apologize in advance if you feel this is to harsh... you are the bread winner in the family and hubby contributes nothing, just takes If it were me I would clean out the joint bank account ( leave in a dollar ) and open an account under your name only. There is no way to control an alcholics drinking... cutting back, only drinking on weekends etc does not work for the A. you control the finances so if he needs a drink he should be left to his own devices to obtain his own booze. And he will find a way they all do... my son is as addict stole money from us we had to go to extremes to stop that behavior including informing the bank ( who asked us if we wanted to press charges). So his money was cut off... did he stop? Nope he just started stealing sheesh... we live in a small town he stole from all the stores to the point they know him the minute he walks in and they escort him out. How humiliating i thought for his father and i... did that stop him? nope he just goes to neighboring cities just a vicious cycle. Anyway enough about me My experience would tell you to cut off all finaces.... he will have to find a new way of getting his booze and that may bring him consequences that possibly will bring him to his bottom. When in a relationship with any A always remember you will always be #3 on thier list of priorites 1st is themselves, 2nd is the booze or drugs 3rd is you. Nothing but nothing comes before the alcohol EVER ! Until they seek recovery My prayers are with you.... Please give alanon a try work the program... you have been given a lot of suggestions here that probably seem overwhelming once you start working the program things will start to make sense. Mosy of us got here by hitting our own bottom... so by working this program the only way to go from there is UP Blessings to you and your family
Hi everyone, not sure if you'll see this follow-up. I've read and reread each of your replies. Each of them has given me valuable insight into my situation. And right or wrong, here is an update on what I did. In our budget, I have a set amount set aside for my husband each pay period. I bought him a prepaid VISA and took his card for our joint account. Unfortunately, I gave it back when we were in a pinch to get gasoline for his truck. Everything was fine at first. He went this his prepaid card very fast, and only dipped into our joint budget slightly. Then, I reloaded his card and he blew it on Easter alcohol, took a short break during the week and began spending our joint money last Friday and hasn't stopped since. Yesterday morning, I took his card again and gassed up his truck. This time I won't give it back. This is all so hard. I am not an angel myself and I pray I am not as horrible as he tells me I am. I've located area meetings for myself and the kids, but have not yet gone. I KNOW he will see it as us 'being down' on him and not understand that it would be for our own understanding and peace - not to place blame on him. During these crazy times, I worry about what I'm going to come home to find. He just called me and told me that he's making a collage (sp?) of my photos. I fear I'll come home to all of my pictures cut up/destroyed. His last binge (which prompted the above), he was telling me that my 14 year old dog didn't want to live anymore and "he'd take care of it." (He didn't do a thing to the dog, and he loves him very much too.) Today, on the way home from work, I am going to reload his card, per the budget. I'm not sure that this is the right thing to do, but to leave him without any money seems controlling and cruel to his 'masculinity.' Once it is gone, it will be gone and I pray I'll have the strength to keep up with my decisions. Peace to each of you.
I also forgot to say ..... I eagerly waited for all of your replies, sharing of thoughts, advice - tearing through them not long after you posted them. Each of you has an angel on your shoulder, guiding you in your giving of time to others. Thank you very much.
