The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So as I had predicted, with the warmer weather comes more drinking. Yes last night was the start of the drinking and driving routine. Which I am sure he is oblivious to. But I am not. I knew it was coming and sure enough. He had to stop on his way home from work for a "meeting" at a bar/restaurant. But even that didn't set off a buzzer in my head, not right away not until it got later did it dawn on me that I was right about this warmer weather thing. All I could think was work my program so I don't get caught up in what is going on with him. Like, did he get pulled over or get in an accident. I had to let go and let HP. It was tough going for awhile but I finally got to a point where I really did let go. He came home safe and drunk. He also woke up with a hangover, which he denies having but another observation I have come to realize is that when he has a hangover he takes Excederin. Which he did.
He is oblivious to all of these things that it is actually funny, haha and funny ironic. He has patterns that can't be denied, yet they are. I was on the phone with his mom, which is bad for me when I am trying to work my program. She doesn't have a program and is still worrying herself to death. I try to not allow myself to get caught up in the old way of thinking but it is difficult when I am around her. It's like going backwards in my own recovery and I try to avoid it as much as possible. But in the future I will avoid her phone calls when he is out and about. It's the only thing I can think of because I don't want to lie to her. She always asks me where he is and if he is home or not. She knows full well about all of drinking and knows that nice weather brings out drinking more. Which is not actually true the alcoholic brings out the drinking more when the weather is nice. I don't know why but it seems true.
All I know is that I am back in a world of confusion and worry and I have to work my program much more diligently in order to maintain my serenity. Which will take a lot of effort on my part based on last nights efforts that weren't working very well. But I have to be gentle with myself and know that I am making progress and not working toward perfection. Which I have to work on as well because I have the tendency to beat myself up for not working my program perfectly. Detaching is next on my list for monitoring myself in. It's a lot to keep track of while dealing with the fact that I also have an addict son. But I will work hard to work my program regardless of that all. After all I am here and I am venting and looking for support. Which I know I will get and feel better already just knowing that.
Yep... kinda one of those "sorry you were right" kinda things..... I guess it boils down to the old adage of:
"he's either gonna drink or he won't, what are YOU gonna do?"
which could easily be modified to:
"he is either gonna drink, because: a) the weather is getting warmer b) the weather is getting colder c) his job sucks d) his job is wonderful e) he's miserable in his relationship f) he's happy in his relationship g) the price of tea in China increased h) the price of tea in China decreased....
what are YOU gonna do?"
The reasons why they drink are not, in the end, all that relevant.... More than likely, they drink because they are an alcoholic.....
What YOU do, in your recovery, is the important thing, and it sounds like you are taking some really positive steps - for you.
Take care tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
He's oblivious because he doesn't care. It's as if someone said, "She went to a movie AGAIN -- is she oblivious or what?" Going to movies (or whatever) for you is like drinking to him, just something that happens. It has no meaning for him.
It was hard to get my mind around the fact that every time my AH relapsed, I'd go though a whole crisis of "Is this going to go on forever? Does this mean I should leave? Is there hope? Can I believe him?" etc etc etc. -- and he'd just glide on through life obliviously. It wasn't even on his radar that I was in turmoil about every bout of drunkenness. As people say on these boards, it wasn't a problem for him, it was a problem for me. I am still dumbfounded by his inability to see the consequences of his actions, but if he could see the consequences, he wouldn't be who is he right now.
It's good to realize the truth of how things are. Keep taking care of yourself.
ahhhh - ((wildthang)) - awareness can be a total pain in the butt, can't it?
The good news is you're now aware of the pattern. The bad new is - you're now aware of the pattern :P
Seriously though, what canadianguy posted is right on the money. They are gonna do what they are gonna do and there's nothing WE can do but work on US.
Someone posted on a different thread recently that their level of serenity is directly proportional to their level of acceptance. I found this to be very profound and very true. Once I let go of whatever was keeping me in that hamster wheel, I gained a bit of peace.
So keep practicing detachment, keep working it, keep coming back - we're here for you.
I was on the phone with his mom, which is bad for me when I am trying to work my program. She doesn't have a program and is still worrying herself to death. I try to not allow myself to get caught up in the old way of thinking but it is difficult when I am around her. It's like going backwards in my own recovery and I try to avoid it as much as possible. But in the future I will avoid her phone calls when he is out and about. It's the only thing I can think of because I don't want to lie to her.
This struck a real chord for me, because my XABF's mom was the same. She was about as far from "having a program" as you could get: she nagged him, she called him names. Of course, after a few days into a relapse, he'd stop answering the phone.
It was really difficult for me to stick to any boundaries with him when he relapsed, because I always felt obligated to reassure her about his physical safety, so I would drop by his place to check up on him even if what I REALLY wanted to do was leave him alone until he sobered up. His mom was in her late 70's and couldn't drive, so she was entirely reliant on others -- I didn't have it in me to tell her she'd just have to wait it out in suspense.
I did try to explain to her that telling him repeatedly what a failure he was for relapsing wasn't helpful, but she insisted that he "needed to know what he'd done wrong and how much he hurt others". After all, her late husband had been an A, and she was sure her ultimatums were what finally forced him to sober up.
Now I know better. Boundaries are for ME, and they can be applied whenever needed.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
