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So the texting wars have started today between me and my exAH/bf. I have been waiting for this......he owes me 3 months worth of child support and the child support agency put a note on my acct that they requested it be taken from his tax refund. So I have been waiting for that to hit. It hit today apparently. BUT they didn't take all of the money owed....just about a 3rd of what is owed.
I have been dodging the child support conversation with him b/c it is such a touchy subject. He doesn't feel he should be obligated to pay as much as he does. Never has felt that the amount was fair. I feel the amount is extremely justified. The amount per month was decided upon according to how much he was making 18 months ago when he was working full time.
Last fall he decided to up & quit his full time job & go to school. His only source of income now is a low paying part time job. When he told me last fall what he was doing, I thought to myself "Holy CRAP!!" but I didn't say anything. I tried to be supportive, thinking he would do whatever was necessary to help take care of our kids. He talked a good game. Boy was I wrong AGAIN!!!! Once again he has twisted the whole situation in his head to his benefit. He thinks he should not have to pay b/c he is in school!!! What kind of thinking is that??? The way I see it, he should have thought about that before he decided to go back to school full time & not work a decent paying job. I mean seriously people......who does that? I can't do that. I can't quit my job & go back to school. Why? B/c I have kids to take care of. I don't have the luxury of moving in with Grandma and going back to school. I love my kids and I will do whatever it takes to make sure they are taken care of. I would have thought he would do the same....but he is copping out. Using school as an excuse. There is NO excuse for not taking care of your kids. You are supposed to bend over backwards to provide for them, not shirk the responsability.
He seriously blames me for his money problems. His money problems are because he is not doing what is absolutely necessary to make the money he needs to pay his bills, child support included. Ugghhh!!! So I wonder where this is going to lead our relationship. The relationship that has been going nowhere but down for the last few months anyway. I am thinking that it will probably be over if the money situation cannot be resolved. It is too big of a white elephant in the room when we are together. I find I am mad at him all the time for not helping me w/money but I bury it down deep so we can get along. I am tired of burrying it. If he wants to be mad at me over it, fine. If he wants to use it as an excuse to not see me and the kids, fine. That sucks for the kids but there is nothing I can do about it.
So I wish him the best of success w/school & his career afterwards. I sure hope all the things he has promised himself to achieve aftewards come true. I am done listening to the promises & dreams. I quit believing in them a long long time ago...but now, I don't even want to hear about them, the future and all the great things that are coming. They are just talk and I am sooo over the talk.
And it continues.......he wants out of child support so badly, he wants me to have our 16 yo son emancipated simply b/c he has gotten his GED and is not in school any more! I am so overly pisssed off at this man right now....I feel sick to my stomach. All I have had to hear for the last 18 months is how his support will be cut in half as soon as our son turns 18 and he has been counting down the time. Am I wrong here....but that is just wrong. What type of father thinks that way??? I am so MAD!!!! So unbelievably mad. He said he would talk to our son about it. I told him not to involve the kids in this. Besides, I have full legal custody. I simply refuse to go down that road. He has no say so in the matter....not that any judge would even consider it any way. You can't get your kid emancipated simply b/c you want out of child support. On top of that, he is not thinking how this would afftect our son in an extremely negative way. Not only financially for him at 16 yo....but what type of message would it send to him that his dad wants him emancipated? How horrible? If he mentions this to our son, I will completely lose it with him! Completely! I have already lost some major respect for him. It will be all out war if he drags our kids into our financial disputes!!! WAR people! WAR!!!
I can really relate to your anger with him over his attitude toward your son. Hurt me, fine. Hurt my kid - WATCH OUT!!!! And what's really sad is he is probably in complete denial about the impact of what he is doing on your son. Doesn't make it any easier to accept, though. Sucks out loud, if you ask me
Perhaps this may be a time for you to detach from him completely for a while - not engage with any conversation of any form with him at all until you can recenter yourself. I had to institute "radio silence" at my house a few weeks ago - I literally unplugged the phone and monitored messages for several days. I also did not respond to emails immediately - some were worth a response as they concerned practical matters, others did not as they were accusatory and hurtful. This allowed me to regroup a bit, reason things out with some program friends and move toward more acceptance of the situation.
Just my thoughts - take what you like and leave the rest.
It sounds as though you are expecting him to be sane -- ?
You say, "What kind of man does this?" -- I think the answer is clear -- an alcoholic.
It is disappointing to realize how deeply into their disease they are, and how we have no control over it.
I can get so mad at my A ex, whose idea of child support is to buy our child a snack now and then. I am trying to keep in mind that "Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."
Letting go of unrealistic expectations is not giving the person a free pass. I'm sure we'll never forget how they tried to weasel out of responsibilities. And there are a lot more ways they let us down, even though we can focus on the support payments and other concrete things.
But now: how do we take care of ourselves? And I find it useful to ask: why did I get together with a guy I knew from the beginning had out-of-control finances? Why did I think I had to compromise so much to be with somebody? I want to make sure I don't make this mistake again. (I even made it once after I left my A -- why am I not learning my lesson?)
(( QOD )) I am sorry this is going on right now. You ask what type of father does this to their kids, A"s do. They put their addiction and their desires, whims, needs first - I learned that the hard way, growing up with it & marrying into it.
It sound slike by uoir first post that u are detaching and moving on for you and the kids. You ahve to put you and the kids first, bc if you dont, no one will. I agree that listening to the promises/words gets you no where - u have to watch behavior.
Detach from the words desigend to hurt you. He wants u all upset and emtoinal bc it feeds the disease. Focus on YOU and what can u do to empower yourself in this situation and allow you to feel better right now. - You sound like a strong person.
I know when I put me first and my program, I found I had a lot more time to take care of me and not worry and wait for the A's to do the right thing - which seems like its never.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
My daughter is currently going through this with her xA. 2 months now he has withheld payment for his daughter, and his share of the mortgage. He bombards her with Im in control, Ill sort it txts. I see it as no coincidence that when she started her new job a couple of months ago, he bailed out from his responsibilities. I swear if I hadnt found Al-Anon it would be WAR!! Id be right in there kicking ass as you say in the States !!
Having lived with an Abrother she is aware of the signs of how the disease is in control so she takes it all to mediation, which he agreed to, to keep the heat out of the situation. Wont discuss it one to one with him at all..............hes too busy feeding his disease to give consideration to his responsibilities the lies just trip off his tongue. As others have said boundaries and detachment for your safety and serenity are important.
A's or not, there are a lot of men who don't step up to the plate when it comes to fatherhood. So happens I picked one - and so did my sister.
I was lucky - mine never showed up after she was born and we went it alone from that day forth. I got to parent alone, the way I wanted, and no expectations or promises to be broken.
My sister just recently tracked down the father of her child after years of trying to get him to come forth. Now she's not sure when she is going to receive money or when she isn't. I am so proud of her though. She doesn't depend on it. She lives her life with the understanding that she can only depend on herself. What money does come in from him - what attention he decides to pay his child - are a bonus!!! Not very nice for the boy to have a semi - interested Dad, but that is between he and his Dad (the boy is 7) and the Dad will have to suffer the consequences.
I don't know if I could do it as well as my sis - she is such an inspiration - I am so proud of her. She is a good mom, she is happy, she is confident, and doesn't let much get under her skin. She is very grateful for the blessings she has.
I am lucky to have her.
tlc
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Child support is court ordered. It is not something that can come up for negotiation at either parties whim. If the court order is not adherd to, simply apply for government assistance and they will chase down the child support for you through the Child Support Enforcement agency, and the person not paying could end up in the pokie....
A change in income doesn't automatically equal a change in child support. The court will look after what is in the best interest of the child and it is likely to determine that the payee's education isn't as important as the childs needs.
From personal experience, I can say that county jails and prisons do have education programs for inmates. 24 years ago, I got an associates degree in polictial science while in one of them. Any one seen any ads of employers looking for a polictial scientist? LOL
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
Oh, I remember those texting wars well. I think one of the most devastating things about them is that they often stray from the topic at hand, and end up becoming about much more than the original issue. I learned a couple of very helpful things from my sponsor about responding....
1) Wait 72 hours - unbelievably, often in that time period, things can look a whole lot different, and my response will be a whole lot calmer and rational.
2) Do not stray from the topic.
It is not easy, but keeps me feeling a bit more in control. My exAH now plays word games with me. Its as if he has taken all the therapy he has received and put it in high gear; nothing in moderation. He speaks to me like I am a business transaction. If I don't specifically ask for something with a question mark or directly tell him "I want...", he acts like I am just making a statement. Communication is tough. Just keep moving forward and doing the next right thing.
Blessings,
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Thanks to everyone for sharing. The text wars continued until I decided I was done with it. He got the last text in and I chose not to respond. Later that evening my 7 yo daughter found her DS that she thought she had left at a local Target over the weekend. We were very very happy and she wanted to call her dad & let him know. So I let her. Then she asked him if he wanted to talk to me & his response was, "Does your mom want to talk to me?" She asked me and I simply, "No, let's let him get back to work." He can take that for what it is worth. I don't want to speak to him for a good while.
With that said, it is kind of hard to work on a poisonous toxic relationship without communication so I am figuring we are on a split. This feels much more than just an agrument to me, a disagreement. This is a HUGE deal to me, one we will never see eye to eye on. I am ready to let this all just go. Get back to my happy place I had found a couple of years ago between the divorce & getting back together. I was happy then. I question my sanity for ever trying to make things work w/him again. Now I just have to get to that happy place again.
And what's really sad is he is probably in complete denial about the impact of what he is doing on your son. Doesn't make it any easier to accept, though. Sucks out loud, if you ask me 
!! 