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Hello there . . .here for advice . . . my alcholic has been sober for 2 months now and is going through alot of different emotions . . .we are a young couple with a one year old daughter. . . i have been through hell with him disappearing for days at a time and using. . . trust is a huge issue we are trying to get bak . . sometimes i am affraid there has been so much damaged caused there is no way to fix it . . . he is now going on a healthy path and our relationship is taking a toll . . i thought everything was going to get better but now that he is all "spiritual . " he says there is something missing and he is movin out for a couple weeks to figure things out . . i know he needs to focus on himself but i feel hurt all over again . . i have stuck by him through the begining and now into his recovery and it still isnt good enough . . . any advice would be great im severley depressed thank you for reading
I am so so glad you found this board. You will find, love, help, comfort, solace and care here anytime as there are meetings twice a day and a chat room too (I know its a bit complicated to install all that stuff).
I can only give you my own ESH. I have been through many a crisis with the now ex A boyfriend. Every single crisis and there were many I leaned heavily on this room, I poured out my feelings, fear, despair, anger, rage, confusion, pain and shock here. I found relief, help and sustainment.
This place can be our anchor. There are lots of books, articles and things you can read and also tools that can help you. right now you hurt and I fully encourage you to use this room to the maximum.
(((((Ashleigh))))) - Welcome to MIP - I too am glad you found us!
I am a double winner - which means I am in recovery as an alcoholic/addict and also here for Alanon (AH and ASon).
This disease is so very powerful and baffling, and affects so much more than just the user. I can totally understand how you feel, and commend you on 'staying strong', 'supporting your A so far' and coming here for help.
I strongly encourage/recommend F2F Alanon meetings if they are in your area. I realize with a small child it may be difficult to get to F2F meeting(s), but the experience is so very worth it - as are you.
If that's not an option 'soon', there is a meeting here each evening - 9pm EST or 8pm CST. It's an online meeting, and you can get there by clicking through the link towards the top of the page, left hand side called Alanon Group Meeting/Chat Room. There are also meetings each morning - opposite times (9am EST....).
My ESH for you - when I got sober/clean, it was a huge adjustment - all aspects of my life. There were many, many things I had never done/experienced sober - including intimacy and intimate relationships. I was very happy to be clean/sober, but very fearful of the disease. For the first long while, I did need to back away and work on me.
I share as he may just need to adjust to the reality of life clean/sober. What is awesome about your timing and finding MIP is Alanon is designed for all of 'us' to heal from the disease of addiction/alcoholism.
When I got here to MIP, I'd been to a few Alanon meetings last year. However, I really didn't get it and now also realize that I wasn't ready. I came here to MIP so absolutely overwhelmed and in pain that the first couple shares to me where so very, very basic:
- Breathe. - Be patient with me. - Be gentle with me. - Take care of me - simple, simple things - bubble bath, read a book - do something special just for me.
All of these were 'foreign' to me. Truly foreign as I had been living in total hell and chaos, and in a constant state of extreme panic, anxiety and fear (not to mention anger, resentments, etc.).
So - I went to a meeting, got some literature and other recommended reading materials, and began to take care of me. Folks told me to mind my own business, work to detach, define some boundaries and begin - slowly, one moment at a time, to work the steps.
So - my hope for you is you can take a quick moment to reflect on how much you deserve peace of mind and joy. Try to focus on what you can do for you, just for this evening or this day and try to get to a meeting.
MIP is awesome and the ESH (experience, strength and hope) is top-notch. Know that we all care and you are not alone!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I too am glad you found MIP and alanon so that you will know you are not alone and you can begin to heal. I agree with all the others have so kindly shared .
I would just like to add that Alcoholism is a disease which you did not cause, cannot control and cannot cure. Those living with this disease are adversely affected by it and also need a program to recover.
Please look in the white pages of your telephone directory for alanon listing The intergroup number will direct you to face to face meetings in your community. Please attend, pick up literature, read all you can about this disease and come back and share here often
At the top of the board there is an offer of a Great Book that will help you to understand this disease and how to recover.
Please know you are not alone and there is hope..
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 10th of March 2010 08:58:55 PM
Aloha rylzmama and I also would like to welcome you into the MIP family. You have already received welcome, love and a promise of support from just some of the others so don't go anywhere for a while. Sit listen and learn. Your situation brings back real memories and experiences for us also because we have also been in that situation in some degree or more.
You should be feeling what you are feeling. It is normal for the disease of addiction whether it is alcohol and/or some other drug. He isn't sober by a long shot! He might be trying to visualize life without it but he isn't sober. While he was drinking and using he wasn't learning how to participate in life in a rational way and now that the chemicals are gone he is still in the irrational way. Of course it has touched you also and that could not be avoided. The disease touches everyone it comes into contact with and none of it is nice or sane.
We don't give advise. We will tell you what has worked for us and you are free to take what you like and leave the rest and try some of it or all of it to see if it helps you also. We were taught by others who came before us with the same instructions. For me my sober, sane life was handed to me free of charge by the members who came before me and for that I am most grateful.
So I'll pass it on to you. Get to as many Al-Anon Family Group meetings in your area as you can in the next 90 days. If your child is a good child you might be able to get in a whole meeting (1 hour usually) or you might want to get care from the family for that hour. When you get to the meeting there will be a ton of literature about alcoholism and much of it may be free. There will also be literature that you can buy. Sit down in the meeting, be quiet and still and listen and learn and what you learn practice, practice, practice. Learn our steps, traditions and slogans because these are life savers at most and sanity savers at least. Find others in your area to talk to...get phone numbers and keep going back and coming back here.
Your Alcoholic has been doing alcohol and maybe other stuff. He has been screwing himself up for a long time. He hasn't "suddenly" found himself or the truth. He has suddenly found that he doesn't know where he is at and that he might not be drunk for the minute. He needs a higher power of his own understanding and that isn't his wife. She needs her own.
Welcome and stick around and read the ESH of other members. (((((hugs)))))
welcome , what your going thru is common in early sobriety , I call it Stark Raving Sober they don't have a clue how to live sober , guilt and shame for past behavior runs rampant , be patient he will calm down eventually , I am assuming that you are not attending Al-Anon for yourself , u need support from people who have been where your at and can help u to understand what is going on ..... I understand you have a small child perhaps husb now that he is sober will watch the baby so u too can attend meetings . for me it is the best way to support thier efforts at sobriety,the alcoholic is not the only one who has to change we do too ... expecting anything except sober at his point is going to cause u a problem sometimes all an A can do is just not drink . Please find meetings for yourself your worth the effort .
I too was disappointed in my AW early recovery. We have expectations and are disappointed. She is still fairly early at just under 11 months. We are so happy for them to be sober we don't realize what they are going through and how it affects us. They spent their drinking years going through life with the drinking/drugging acting as a filter covering their emotions and feelings. They don't want to face the reality of their life and use the chemicals to cover it up.
All of a sudden once the A stops drinking/drugging the filter is removed and they facing the full strength of their feelings and emotions for the first time ever, or in a while. They often don't handle early decisions well. That is why it is recommended they don't make any major changes/decisions for at least the first year. The chemicals slowly over time leave the body. My therapist (who is an addiction therapist says it usually takes about a year for the effects to fully wear off).
I found the links to online articles below which I saved that referred to my AW. (Everybody is different, take what you want and leave the rest) but some of it may prove helpful.
