The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A is an ex-AB - so he floats in and out of my life on a weekly basis. For the past week, he was back(in my life) after he lost his job and sold everything in his house to pay for an 8 day binge. I didn't know where he was or how he was and vacillated between trying to not care to obsessing about where/how he was.
He is now trying to put his life back together and is 12 days sober. I helped buy a cheap replacement phone, put gas in his van so that he could work and helped him with his resume. When he called this past week and wanted me to come over to hang out- I was thrilled that he wanted to spend time with me...I didn't rearrange my schedule to see him but would go if I didn't have anything else to do.
I am so much sicker than I would have thought. Am I addicted to him? Am I addicted to being needed by him?
I have caught myself being frustrated with a few others when they don't live out their lives the way I think they should. But I can redirect myself pretty quickly and let that stuff go.
But when I think of letting him know that I don't think I am helping either one of us by being in his life...I could cry.
He broke up with me. Just wants to be friends. Until he feels desperate or wants more. As many of you know - that can change every few minutes.
So I am learning. I didn't make the best decisions last week. Or the week before.
I read every thing that all of you write...and am just sucking info in. I went to my 3rd f2f meeting last night. Still really haven't talked to anyone and still need to buy some books there...but I am pretty sure they will be my home group for awhile.
Hi Speck, I find it really hard to mind my own business where my ABF is concerned, his life in my eyes is such a mess. BUT it is his life. Today I have to try really hard to focus on my life. My partners HP has lessons he wants him to learn. I have in the past prevented him from learning these life changing lessons because I would jump in and rescue. Therefore he stayed sick longer. When I truley Let GO and Let God my ABF went into AA. I had been in Al anon for around 18 months when I could finally detach a little. You say you have just attended your 3rd meeting stick with it and you will learn about your own addictions, behaviours THIS IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. I know if I never found al anon this relationship would have ended and I would have chosen another person who needed fixing. So today I try and change the things I can ME.
As for buying al anon books I highly recommend this they have helped me so much. My mind has been so unwell due to loving a alcoholic. My sponsor calls al non her medicine and I believe it has been a cure for me. I go to two meetings a week, I read every day and come on here. I am trying to put as much effort into my own well being today as I have everyone elses for so long.
You have srarted on the road of your recovery it is hard at times but there is also lots of lovely miracles along the way.
your friend in recovery
-- Edited by Tracy on Sunday 7th of March 2010 08:37:44 AM
Hi, speck welcome. I know when I began standing up for myself and making decisions based on how I would feel in the end - it got easier to make better decisions for me. I wanted to feel better and I could see it changing.
I def tried to control everything - I was a control freak (well, Im recovering) and was addicted to chaos and ignoring myself by focusing on others.
Work it one day at a time, one minute at a time if u have to - I did and that is where I like to stay, in the present. The right now, is when u can affect something, empower yourself or make a change for YOU.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Aloha Speck...I wish for you a larger energy shot to overcome any resistance toward jumping feet first into the program. There is more to gain than to loose. So my thought and prayer life will be for you to get more of what old timers have. When you get as excited about being with you and doing for you as you have done for him and others your recovery will take off. Keep coming back and helping us keep on keeping on. Thanks (((((hugs)))))
sounds much like my ex a. I let so many people have power over me until I began really working on myself. I also had to stop beating myself to a pulp every time I flipped back and forth.
This is a great place to start. Eventually I got to the point where I could choose not to interact with the ex A.
Hiya ((((Speck)))) I certainly can identify with all that you've shared. They are addicted to the alcohol and we are addicted to them. Letting go is not easy..but it gets easier..My sponsor always says, "Let go or get dragged"..I have learned that my character assets (loving, caring, compassion) became character defects when they were turned up too much (in other words ..character assets on steroids)! I am a wonderful, caring, loving and giving person but much to our own detriment at times. Pain has been a great teacher for me. I had to realize that I needed to be my first priority and that I had to love me (warts and all) first and foremost. I often struggled with setting boundaries with A's in my life and sometimes after setting the boundaries felt tremendous guilt, anxiety and fear of complete rejection and abandonment by them. I now see that a healthy relationship begins with "ME". I take care of me, you take care of you.
When I need to set boundaries and share my feelings and needs with others today, I realize they MAY react, feel, act out, give me flack ..etc. The most important thing is that I take care of myself anyway and let them have their "stuff". If they walk away and make an exit...that is okay!! People that want to be part of my life today, will respect me, my boundaries and feelings and needs. It would be nice to have a guarantee that the people we love will get better, see the light, get into recovery etc..etc..etc.. There is no guarantee that this will happen. We can only hope. What is guaranteed is that I will be able to live with the healthy choices that I am making without feeling remorse later on and I will be able to enjoy "SERENITY" in my life. My problem was (and I didn't realize this early on in recovery)..that I was also addicted to drama, chaos and pain! My therapist once told me that I had a verrrrrrrry high tolerance for pain. NOT ANYMORE. When the pain of not letting go...outweighs the pain of letting go.. I let go!! In time the letting go gets easier and less painful...but staying makes us sick. I never knew how sick I was ..until I tried to let go of an alcoholic and work the steps of this program. I can promise you one very important thing Speck..if you work this program and take care of yourself and keep the focus on you...life will improve and you will feel better too!...Don't take my word for it though...Give it a try...Keep coming around and making meetings. Be patient and gentle with yourself. You are doing better than you realize!! : - )
