Tracy, we are twins girlie!! 

I too didn't realize how much my "caretaking" was about "controlling".   In being with my Abf-sober I have finally realized it and only because thinking joining AlAnon would be "helping" him.  What I found was an incredible program for ME.  I had so forgotten about me years before.  I got buried in taking care of everyone.  Fell in that mentality of "I would give anything, do anything to make you happy and how dare you not give that back"  I ended up full of resentment!!  AlAnon was my HP's hand reaching out to me saying, "please hear me this time.  Take care of you"  I finally heard and am so grateful for MIP, all the ESH, my F2F meetings... living with an A, even a dry one, is trying.  But I see his hooks now, the manipulations, but more importantly I see the ones I was throwing back to HIM...which kept up on this twisted roller coaster ride.   I would love to see him better himself and go back to his meetings.  But fixing ME has finally become a priority and my smiles are no longer fake. 

(((hugs)))  anytime you want to talk to a fellow recovering control caretaker I'm here!!  

This is so helpful for me to think about.  My parents weren't alcoholics but they acted is if being on top of life was beyond them, so even at a young age (12, 13, 14) I was the one trying to keep the household organized, get things done, keep us safe, etc.  I see that because I seem like a competent take-charge kind of person, men who had trouble with their lives would gravitate to me (and then resent me because my ideas of how their life should run were not like their ideas).  And I accepted that as inevitable: that I would have to be the in-charge person, the one who had a steady salary, the one who always comes to the rescue with money, the one who kept everything running.  It is so exhausting.  And then if I wanted to stop being the person in control of it all and reveal how I needed help and support, they acted like I was violating the contract.  But also I never knew how much it was fair to expect of others.  If you have that kind of dynamic going on, an addict is the ultimate, because they'll just go completely out of control and you'll be the only person trying to keep things running smoothly.  You sure get to feel like the only grown-up in the equation.  What a mess.  It has been really helpful to look at how I get myself into these situations, and why they feel so "normal" when they're really so unhealthy.  Thank you for bringing this up.

Mattie - i know exactly what you mean about men with issues gravitating towards you!
i am a Grade A student on that score!

i was brought up by an overbearing grandmother who used to fix everything! she washed, she cleaned, she stitched things, she was in charge, she was also devoid of any emotions. i learnt from a very young age that it was a woman's job to do all those things and to support their men folk who earnt the money (very victorian in her outlook). i never once saw her show any affection to my grandad who was the most hen pecked man on planet earth - god rest him. they never bought birthday, anniversary, or christmas cards for each other despite being married a good 40+ years.

it was of no surprise to my councellor when i finally had a nervous breakdown that i had drifted towards 'strong' men who in actual fact turned out to be weak, bullying, good for nothings. my first boyfriend put me in hospital and left me for my best friend, my first husband was paranoid schizophrenic and nearly killed me, my second was a good for nothing layabout addicted to computer games (16hrs a day playing them while i was raising 5 children) and my third, as you all know, is an A. all through this process i have tried beyond all reason to get my partners to change, to get well, to stop their awful behaviour through any means possible. I have often taken the blame for their actions and tried to appease upset neighbours, family members etc. i have lost count of the amount of friends who have become alienated because of my resistence to reasoning from them.

i have since come to realise, and put into practise, that it is possible to 'care' without being used, abused and taken for granted. it is possible to care from a distance and to be at ease within myself. i have learnt that it is neither right nor practical to expect everyone to live by my moral standards or to conform with my ideals. what is right for me may be totally wrong for the next person and they have the right to choose their own paths. i have learnt that i neither need to be nor should be so vocal with my opinions and that i should respect everyone's decision about how their life is to be led. i have also learnt that i need to look after myself above everyone else and that it is ok to say no now and again. i have come to realise that my 'helping' where help wasnt really wanted was actually having the reverse affect and was making people resent me. all the time i thought i was helping i was actually interfering in their chosen paths. that was a tough wake up call but one that i am glad i experienced as having all this knowledge is making my life so much easier.