The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello - I've been searching for answers and I'm hoping someone can shed some light for me. Let me explain my situation. Sorry in advance if I might ramble on.
My husband and I have been together for 14 years and he quit drinking 7 months ago and joined AA. He was a horrible man to me when he was drinking (even when he wasn't drinking) emotionally and physically but mostly emotionally. I was so grateful that he joined AA and didn't want to drink anymore and I tell him that a lot. I thought that him quitting drinking that FINALLY we were going to have a normal relationship and get on with our lives but that seems not the case.
In the past couple months he has been very distant from me, shutting me out...I've tried to lay next to him in bed and he just lays there motionless and says hes tired and just wants to go to sleep...
On Sunday i just couldn't take it anymore and I asked him if he wants me to sleep in the other room and he said, "I don't know"...For me, I don't know is not an answer, so I ask again and he then says "do what you want". I then tell him I want to know what he thinks, and he says again, "I don't know". So then I ask the question, "do you even want to be with me", (thinking to myself the outcome of this question has to be yes of course)...he says, "I Don't know." I then told him either you want to be with me or you don't, its a simple answer you shouldn't have to think about if you want to be with the person you love. He then said again I don't know. I was so upset by this answer I moved my pillow and blanket and clothes into the spare room, and later on in the day I text messaged him because I just couldn't accept that answer...its not an acceptable answer to me...Either you do or you don't...plain and simple.
So I text him (because its either just to write a letter to for me) Telling him that I have lived with him for 14 years doing so many mean things to me but I have stuck by him through thick and thin and have always loved him because I know he can be a good person, I have seen that good person. I know he's finally turning his life around it seems like he doesn't want me in it and that hurts because I want that good guy now...I deserve that good guy. The I told him he has this whole new world opening up to him and it seems like he's pushing me out of it. Then he told me that he's not pushing himself out that I'm pushing myself out, by being miserable and making him miserable and our child miserable.
Now I don't see myself as a miserable person...I see myself as a very confused, emotionally exhausted person, that just wants 1 SIMPLE ANSWER I just want something positive to happen for once.
I also told him that doesn't a person deserve to know if the person she loves wants to be with her? That hes toying with my emotions and thats making me go nuts.
Everyday this week so far I ask the same question but just in a different way and he tells me the same thing I don't know...that I have to be patient that he'll figure it out in a year (that's how long his sponsor told him it will take to get through the program and he'll know by then if he wants to be with me or not)...So now I'm suppose to wait a year to find out if he want to be with me...I don't think thats fair.
Please let me know what you think...I am so confused and in knots. I love my husband and I'd do anything for him to make himself better, but I think what he's saying to me is wrong.
I have tried going to a couple Alanon meetings but the ones I went to the first one I was so nervous I didn't hear anything, the second one there was just one lady there and the 3rd one was one lady there for a couple years and the other 2 people were new that night. I have been to a bunch of open meeting and I get a lot out of them.
The disease of alcoholism is a family disease and it changes us more than we are aware of at times. I know for me I spent so much time trying to find a way to keep my husband sober and keep him that way that he became my total focus and I didn't keep any focus on me.
You asked your husband a question and he gave you the answer that he did. For now that may be the best answer he can give you. You can't control what he says to you or how he chooses to answer you. Your husband is in early recovery and that can be a very confusing, emotional and hard time for him and for you.
What has helped me here is picturing myself in a hula-hoop. Everthing inside that hula-hoop is mine to control. That is all I can control. Everything outside that hula-hoop is not mine.
In program it is suggested that people who are new don't make major changes for a period of time. Sometimes some suggest 6 months other suggest a year. It sounds like your husband has a good sponsor and your husband is listening to him. I also learned that even though I cannot control my husband's drinking and drugging, but I sure could contribute to it. I also at my sickest could undermine his recovery and I did at times.
Thes best thing you can do for you (and possibly your marriage but your focus should be you) is getting to alanon meetings. We have meetings twice daily here in the chat room. Keep looking for meetings in your area if you can until you find something that fits you and you feel good at. Find a sponsor and work this program.
You won't get the answer to the question you asked your husband, but serenity is yours to be had if you choose to work it.
Hope to see you around the MIP site.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
__________________
"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
The beginning phase of recovery is very confusing for someone in AA. They say, for good reason, not to make any major changes for at least the first year. My AW is 10 months into her recovery. Fortunately she was a functional alcoholic and our relationship was always good. However after a few months into recovery she had an affair with an older person (13th stepped, do a google search) that ended 3 or 4 months ago.Even now she is not sure if she wants to continue the marriage eventhough we are getting along very well lately and are very intimate both emotionally and physically. I would say our marriage is better than most. I have talked about this with my therapist who specializes in addiction and she says it is not unusual for someone in early recovery to be confused or not know what they want even if it is clear to us. The therapist said if I want to continue the marriage to not make any decisions myself and "hang on" for a couple more months.
Aloha Twiddle...Besides being a long time member of Al-Anon I am also a recovering alcoholic. Some people are just born into it. 14 years is a long time in an alcoholic relationship and he probably has had a longer intimate relationship with booze than he has had with you or anyone. Now booze is gone and a big hole is left and he is just now learning how to fill it. Don't under estimate how important alcohol has been to him. For some it is the major part of identity and when its gone..."I don't know" is the very best some of us can say or do. In AA we sit and listen from others who have come before us and we come to understand where we've been, what we've done and how it came out for us admitting that it has arrived at total unmanagability in our lives including our relationships with others including our spouses.
The solution of quit drinking and everything will be perfect is unrational. After 14 years it will not change over night. He will struggle with his learing to be sober life in a very confusing way and so will you. "I don't know" is the most honest he can get with you and himself and others. He doesn't know and that is killing him. I hope he doesn't feel so much pain and loss that he tries to find release again from the bottle. This is a progressive disease. The more he drinks the more he will need to drink and the closer to total loss he will come. Right now he is dry. It will take time sitting with recovering alcoholics for him to find sobriety; mind, body, spirit and emotions.
In the mean time there's you with your focus and expectations for your happiness on him and your peceptions of how things are supposed to be without much information for yourself on alcoholism. Welcome to MIP. You will find the family, spouses, ex- spouses, children of and also recovering alcoholics who fit that too. He cannot be the source of your happiness just as booze can never be his. So what do you do while he and you are both saying "I don't know". The best suggestion I have along with the others here who have and are doing it is. (this is what I did) Go to the white pages of your local telephone book. Look up the hot line number for Al-Anon and call that number. Get the meeting times and places and commit to getting to the soonest meeting you can. If there is a live person to talk with...talk to them and tell them your story. Ask for help...we're good at support. When you get to the meeting go to the literature table and get as much literature as you can about alcoholism (there should be a newcomers packet for you...often free) and read it all. Sit down into the meeting, keep and open mind and listen, listen, listen. After the meeting stay and talk with people with time and do more listening and then...repeat that as often as you can for the next 90 days. After 90 days ask yourself if Al-Anon is the help you are looking for. During that first 90 days take your focus off of your alcoholic as the source of your peace of mind and serenity. There is another power greater than he that will do that for you. In support (((((hugs)))))
Hello confused and welcome - please go back to your Al-Anon meetings just listen , purchase some literature and read it on a daliy basis . I was told by a AA councelor in recovery that a alcoholic dosent have a hope in hell of staying sober going home to an old idea , I was the old idea !!! the alcoholic is not the only one who has to change we do too .. going to open AA meetings is ok occasionally but these meetings are still about him ... they do not adress our problem ...of living with and loving an alcoholic . Your husb has not been sober very long and he is still hanging on by a thread - I like to call the first couple of yrs of sobriety STARK RAVING SOBER -- they change thier minds every 5 min , do truly not know what or where thier going .. remember this is a 3 fold disease mental pyhsical and spiritual disease and all 3 must heal and it dosent happen all at once .. he is sober and some days that is all an alcoholic can offer , just dont drink . We tend to have too many expectations of sobriety , get into enjoying one day at a time we only have to get thru today .. enjoy the good stuff , no pressure for either of you . Occasionally impotence becomes a problem in sobriety its not about you , its a physical thing and it will pass ,sometimes it is caused bythe shame and guilt of thier past behavior and dont feel loveable only he knows the answers to the question , so if u can let go of expectations , accept whats offered and just for today make it enough . 14 yrs is along time - another 6 months of meetings for yourself is something u can do for both of you. go to as many as u can one a week was never enough for me but thats just me Focus on yourself an dyour own needs leave him to AA and let Al-Anon take care of you . Don't let what about tomorrow get in the road of you enjoying the good stuff today .
I guess I assumed my question that I asked him was an easy answer because why would you be with someone that you don't want to be with??? I guess I was wrong
I realized today that my happiness depended on his happiness...because if he wasn't happy we all walked on "egg shells" at home...Thank you for making me realize this
You said, "why would you be with someone that you don't want to be with?" If that's true, then you shouldn't have to ask him. Because he is with you; he hasn't left. When he says "I don't know," he means it -- it doesn't mean "I do," but it also doesn't mean "I don't."
The truth is that alcoholics put the alcohol between themselves and their feelings. Now the alcohol is gone and he is learning to feel all over again. He doesn't recognize his feelings the way you or I would (and even we can get pretty confused about what we're feeling). He has to learn the way a child does. So it's not personal -- he's starting over again in the world, figuring it all out. I know we all have that fantasy of "Now that the alcohol's gone, everything will be wonderful." But they don't know how to have a wonderful relationship any more than they did when they were drunk -- they have no experience at it. And truth be told, neither do we. So while they're figuring out their part of it, we have to figure out our part of it. It was a revelation to me when I realized how distorted and strange and unhelpful my behavior had gotten. You're both starting from scratch now. Learn all you can -- take care of yourself -- the answers will come.
As I and others have mentioned recovering As are sometimes confused in early recovery. Here are a few pages that might be helpful. http://www.early-recovery.com/spouses_and_partners_of_alcoholics_addicts.html
Just to note if we acted like the "officially and licensed" approved WSA Al-Anon sites these types of links and sources of information would not be allowed. I am a regular member of the only one I believe on the internet. I feel both sites like this one and the WSA approved one are equally important and necessary for our recovery.
Hey twiddle - welcome to MIP! I am also a double winner (member of AA and also Alanon).
Speaking only from my personal experience in recovery, I was so afraid of facing the world clean/sober that I often found myself saying, "I don't know."....
Part of me was just afraid to commit to anything - new, old, familiar, etc. I was focused on not drinking/using - one day at a time. Many other RL things were placed on hold for me, so that I could do that and make it my number one goal/habit.
Speaking from my personal experience with the Alanon program, I know that I often would 'push' my active As for answers ... and - if they felt I was nagging, pressuring, etc. - they would lie if needed/wanted.
My son has since told me that he lies often as he wants to 'end the conversation'. This drives me absolutely nutz......but it's his reality and I can't affect a change - it's got to come from him.
He's 3 weeks from 18 and will be out on his birthday. We've mutually agreed to that. He has no job, no money and has burnt a ton of bridges. I sit here and think of all he 'doesn't know' because I truly lost him when he started using - at 14ish.
And then - I do what is suggested - I turn him, my worry, my sadness, my frustration all over to my HP and do the 'next right thing'. MY next right thing might be read, work-out, nap, walk, meeting, etc.
I have faith that if I work hard to live my life - my HP will NOT let me down!
Hugs to you and hope this helps!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Focus on yourself an dyour own needs leave him to AA and let Al-Anon take care of you .