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Here's a copy of a letter I sent my wife the day after dropping our son off at camp. I have been in recovery after checking myself into a 90 day rehab 2 years ago. She got an attorney about a year ago to 'protect herself and the kids financially.' As far as I'm concerned our financial problems are non-existent. We have no debt except for the house and have about $500,000 in equity in it. We also each have some cash in the bank, and about $250k in retirerment stuff. I have been taking my recovery very seriously and she has told me that I 'have taken AA to an extreme that it was never intended.' She also said she had been waiting for me to get 'my shit together.' I thought that was what I have been doing by getting sober.
I asked her what her thoughts were about the letter and she said that it starts off one way and turns into something else entirely. She said that if I don't understand, I should have someone else read it and tell me what they think. Any impartial feedback?
Dear T
It really upsets me to see you as sad as you were yesterday. It breaks my heart also to leave him at camp knowing that's the last time he'll see his parents together married. That must be very scary for him. I know how much you love our two kids, and I hope you know how much I love them also. I’m just very, very confused as to why you won’t even consider any other alternative to the divorce. You must want this more than anything in the world right now. If so, than I realize that there’s nothing I can do to change your mind. If, like you have said, it’s not what you really want, why can’t you open your heart and mind to other possibilities? The only thing preventing us from trying is you. I feel you have shut me out for so long, you are blind to what I am (except my flaws) and how much I’ve changed in a positive way. If I have not been giving you what you want this past year and a half, please open your heart to try to understand why.
I tried to tell you in the car yesterday, there is so much more about myself I had to deal with than just the alcoholism. Deep down, I really disliked myself for so long, and didn’t realize the true depth of the problem until recently. How could I show my love to you when deep down I hated myself? You can never imagine the buried, painful, nightmares about myself I had to face. These things started to surface at Caron, but it took over a year to really deal with them. During that whole time I wish I could have given you what you needed. But I knew then (and I was honest about it) I wasn’t capable. I was very emotionally vulnerable to you. While I was away, I didn’t have the feeling that I even had a home to come back to. I was scared to death about where my alcoholism could take me if I tried to give too much too soon. All the while, all I could sense from you was fear and anger. I’m not saying this to place blame, but this is my reality of the situation. Obviously, I’m sure your reality is much different. That’s why I tried to explain to you over a year ago that we are on different paths, probably going in the same direction, but there is a huge wall built between those paths. We were incapable of seeing what the other one was going through. By accepting that, I also accept that neither path is right or wrong, just different, and that things change with time. I was just trying to be patient, get myself better, till things between us could get better. When you got the lawyer involved last July, regardless of your intentions, it changed everything. What did you expect me to do? Make myself more vulnerable to be hurt by you? I know you still don't see how much you hurt me since I went to Caron. At least I know I hurt you and I would do anything to try to make it up to you. I know this is all water under the bridge. I just want you to know that there is another side to the story. I have been trying to understand your side of the story and there are so many things that I still don’t understand. I wish I could turn back time and do thing differently. I wish I could have left Caron after the first month with the feelings of self esteem I now have. How much different could things be between us if that were possible?
Unfortunately, you see the damage done as beyond repair. In my heart I don’t believe that, because I know how much I have changed. I don’t just imaging I’ve changed, I know it. I can say that as a fact because of three things. My obsession to drink has been lifted, I have gained some self esteem, and I no longer suffer from depression. These are things I can’t fake and I know I can’t fool anyone else about. I just wish you could see it. I wish you could see what's possible now that was never possible for me before. I know I’m going on about me, but I'm the only one I can change to effect our relationship. I know I’m not perfect and I unintentionally still do and say things that hurt you. I’m sorry. I’m human and still react when I get hurt and scared. It would be easy not to react if I didn’t care about you so much. It would be so much easier if I didn't love you.
My mother said she told you on the phone that you are getting what you want; the divorce. She told me you said to her that’s not what you want. If it’s not what you want, I don’t understand why you are just letting it happen. I am more than willing to try to work things out. I know it isn’t easy, but how easy is it to watch what our kids are going through because of this. How easy is it to sell the house, uproot the kids, and ship them back and forth? I think they deserve better. I think we both deserve better. You have a husband that, despite of all that has happened, still loves you and wants to be there for you. I can’t give you anything if you won’t accept it from me. Did you ever stop and think where we might be today if you put the time and effort of the divorce into working on our relationship instead? I told you I’m willing to meet you half way. Let me clarify that. As a start, I’m willing to meet you half way. I am more that willing to go all the way to do anything in my power to make things work out, but we both need to feel safe to be able to get there. That doesn’t happen overnight, but I’m willing to work towards it because I still love you and want to have the chance to be the husband you deserve and the husband I always wanted to be. If the divorce is what you really want, at least be honest about it and say so. If it isn’t, only you can change it. You know I will be there for you. Please talk to me.
hi UncleLou, Congrats on your progress. I invite you to read through the items in this message board to see how families (specifically spouses and honeys) react to the A's rehab and recovery. It may give you some insight into what happens in the mind of the spouse. Each of us has to be responsible for our own happiness. Keep to your program. Miracles happen, and they're not always the ones we requested.
First of all, congratulations on your recovery. I came close to being in tears reading this letter because it reminded me a lot of my own husband when he became newly sober. There were a couple times beforehand where he got sober just to save the marriage. And I was devastated when he relapsed. I divorced him while he was over 6 months sober. But that time, he really was doing it for himself.
I was very grateful for his sobriety but at the same time felt protective of my heart. In alanon, I did my best to detach from all the hurtful things he ever said and did. For quite some time, I had felt as if I was living with a dead person. And the marriage felt dead.
When he got sober- what a change in him. I saw his serenity and his awareness of many things. All positive changes for him, yet I still felt like crap. And he said he felt like he did when we first started dating. How he loved me and I was so beautiful, etc.
It was weird because I had been starving for his attention for years and now all of a sudden he was being very affectionate with me and also sharing his thoughts. And I wasn't used to that. Seemed like he was all happy and wanted us to live happily ever after. I had built a wall to protect myself and did not trust him.
You sound like a very caring and sensitive man. Throughout the whole letter.
I know I was very scared and untrusting because my husband didn't deserve my trust for so many years. It takes time. I know I was afraid of him drinking again. But I cannot project. I can only live one day at a time. And I found out with God's help that the disease could not take away the love we have for each other. We divorced and remarried.
It takes time to heal wounds. And right now, it would be my guess your wife is still very much trying to do what she can to avoid getting hurt.
I also realized not all our problems could be blamed on the alcohol. And realized how sick I am. Sobriety is one of our greatest blessings. He is a totally different person. But it is not a magic wand that cures everything.
In response to Idealsummerluv; I didn't get sober to save the marriage. I reached a point where I realized I would end up dead, or worse, stay in my living hell, if I didn't get help. I knew that if I didn't take care of me first, nothing else mattered, I'd have nothing to give my family anyway. Maybe my wife resents the fact that I got sober to save myself and I didn't do it just to save the marriage. She keeps reminding me how selfish I still am. I might be wrong, but I think she's being extremely selfish by forcing this divorice at this point. I belive our kids deserve a chance to grow up in a healthy, whole family, and she is only thinking of herself and her immediate needs. I can't blame her though, I was the selfish one for years because of my alcoholism. I don't mind getting back what I deserve, but the kids deserve better.
Congrats on your sobriety. Doing it for yourself is what will make it work. Good for you.
I read both your posts and the replies you recieved. I can see how much you want your marriage and family to work. One thing keeps coming to mind and please, please, please, don't take this the wrong way but, maybe it's not all about you.
When my husband was first sober and truely looking at himself, his feelings, and all the rest for the first time, he need to be reminded of this sometimes. He tells me all the time how even though A's have very low selfesteem they are egomaniacs and sometimes forget everything is not all about them. I know this my sound like an attack but I really, really, don't mean it that way.
I know it would be wonderful if you could make your wife come back to Al-anon and work the program but you are as powerless over that as we all are over alcohol. You already know that, I know. She may not even know why she feels the way she does. I found it very easy to blame my husband for evrything that was wrong in my life. It's a hard habit to brake. I was shocked to find while living three thousand miles way from him that I had the same problems. Even in our minds it's all about you.
I understand you are very worried about your children's future and I will say a prayer for your family tonight. With any luck she just needs to be on her own for awhile and your family with be together again. It was hard on our son but my husband and I had a very positive year long seperation. If I had of had any money at the time it would have been a devorice. It worked out the way it was suppose to. The more you push the further away she may go. You told her how you feel and have let her know you are open to working on it. That's all you can do.
I hope this didn't all sound too empty. (((((UncleLou)))))
My husband is also sober two years. I have no idea how things were for you in your drinking years, but for us, he was part of the family when he felt like it, and a free spirit when he didn't. Took a lot of time and trouble over things that were important to him, none over things that were important to us. And so on. Selfish, blaming, and unreliable. Sometimes, he was violent and abusive.
So, he sobered up. Said a few very nice things, in the first few weeks "I'm so glad you stuck by me", etc. Then, that was it. He has sobered up, and all is supposed to be forgiven. His amends, I guess, are that he doesn't do that anymore. He used to spend all his time at the bar, now he spends it all at AA. He used to give all his emotional energy to his friends, now he gives it to the people at his online chat group. He's never abusive, he's seldom angry, he's much nicer to live with. I'm glad he got sober, I think we have some chance at happiness. However, I still don't really have a husband. If I stand right in front of him and say "I'm troubled and in pain, I need some comfort and love from you", well, I've got maybe a one in five chance of getting any. If I want my emotional needs met, I still have to use all my alanon skillls, and find healthy ways to do it. I cannot count on him. I will never really get an apology from him, or anything like payback for all the years and years of pain. Now, I spend quite a bit of time at alanon, I've taken some therapy, I'm basically a happy and optomistic person. Therefore, all of this is OK with me. I know what I can realistically expect from him, and it's enough. The love we have is flawed, but it's still love, and it is OK with me. However, I can certainly see how a wife could just say "You know, it's not enough. Even sober, I'm just not getting what I need from you. This is my only life, and I want to live it differently. The memories are too horrible, I can never really trust you, and I just don't want to do this anymore."
I don't know if any of this applies to your life and your situation. But, maybe if you look at it from your wife's point of view, you can see where she's coming from.
Great! I know for my husband, it only worked when he got sober for himself.
I have identified with much of what other women posted on this subject.
The drinking had left a train wreck of destruction. My husband was sober and feeling things for the first time and feeling really great. I knew I wasn't feeling great. It did seem to be about him and he did seem selfish at times.
I sincerely hope your wife might get herself back to meetings for her own peace of mind. And maybe she might agree to postpone the divorce for a year or so. What is the big hurry, really? Once you are divorced, it will be a done deal. Taking time living apart might heal some wounds.
I am grateful I gave things another chance. If I did not give him another chance, in my mind I would be thinking for the rest of my life "But what if we did get back together and things did work out and we were happy?" Now I don't have to wonder.
Can understand how heartbreaking it is because of the children. We have 2 children too.
I also congradulate you on your recovery.I did see what she saw first part of the letter seemed you were trying to put guilt on her sugarcoat all of it and the second part was heart felt.
I left my ex a and ghe got in rehab and recovery I never took him back.It was one of the hardest things i ever did and i still love him and I always will.There will proably never be another man in my life.
I did it for him to .One thing somesome shared with me the first day I walked in alanon was we will help you save your lfie but we no guarantee it will save your relationship I almost ran out of the door cause i was there to save my relationship not me.
Well three years later it did save me but not the realtionship.
You know that from aa sometimes you cant go back and I know for me he harrssed me made me feel quilty I resisted maybe who knows if he give me my space and let me heal the outcome would of been different i dont knwo
but i do know this you are not helping you or her but holding on if she is letting go
i know for me just talknig about me when he kept calling and leaveing messages houndeing me it pushed me to make a decission cause all i wanted was peace and even though he was sober
because of all the phones calls letters and on and on i didnt see change i saw the same controlling selfish man he was i hope it works out for you i do but my suggestion is give her some space some time to heal and do her recovery because that is how much you love her right you want her healed and in reovery right ?
