The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm trying to make this as anonymous as possible...
I know a woman that I'm very close to. She has a very stressful day-to-day life as a stay-at-home mom, because she has many children. She is a recovering alcoholic, and she finished a rehab program late last year.
She has been sober since, but I caught her drinking tonight. I confronted her (she was trying to hide it), and we talked. The biggest thing that worries me is that she said that many days, it is so tough that she wishes she could die. She said she drank tonight because she's been wanting to very badly for a while, and thought she could hide it from me. If her husband finds out about this relapse, he will most likely kick her out, which will undoubtably cause her to start drinking even more heavily.
At this point, I think she needs psychological help, and she agrees, but how do I make sure that she will go through with it? Her husband cannot find out about tonight's relapse, but he will definitely have to be part of the process with her finding help.
Please help me, I love this woman very much, and I just want to see her happy.
Does she go to AA? If she goes, she needs to work her program harder. She needs a sponsor and she needs to get a lot of support from her sponsor and the other members. Some people go to more than one meeting a day, every day. Some meetings have childcare.
It worries me that she hasn't already taken these steps, which makes me think that she has not stayed in a recovery program.
But the real question is whether she wants to continue her recovery, or whether she's just making excuses to get you off her back. (I believe that she's under terrible stress -- I'm not questioning that part.) So here's the part that's hard for all of us: if they want to drink, we can't stop them. The three C's: we didn't cause it, we can't control it, we can't cure it. So you can't make sure she gets help, any more than you can reach into her brain and change her thoughts. She has to want help. Sometimes people haven't hit their bottom and have to experience more consequences before they come to see that not drinking is better than drinking.
What you can do is to support yourself. Find some face-to-face Al-Anon meetings in your town and go to several till you find the ones that are right for you. Knowing what's in your power and what isn't will be helpful both for you and for her. Learn all you can about alcoholism. Keep coming back.
How do I make sure she gets help? you don't ,there is nothing u can do about her drinking all she needs to do is walk into a AA meeting and she will get all the help she needs .. she knows what to do and where to go , the decission is hers . If you want to help u can baby sit while she attends meetings --- that is one way to support her efforts at sobriety . the other is to go to Al-Anon meetings for yourself , learn about this disease and how it is affecting you. There is absolutley nothing u can do about her and the choices she makes . she has been sober for awhile so to go back out is a choice .
Double binds which is what you are in are some of what the addict sets up. Secrecy is another. I lived, ate and breathed that for years. My younger sister was an alcoholic, everyone around her kept it a secret they knew. Actually it was pretty obvious but somehow they seemed to think it was best kept a secret.
There is no way to guarantee anyone's recovery. For some people the issue is getting to a place where all they can do is either get help or go under.
I understand full well what it is to love someone who is self destructing. Part of this program is to learn to love yourself as much as you do this person. When we are around such self destruction there is an enormous toll.
Aloha Anon...It's good that you found MIP. This is where the Experience, Strength and Hope are even though it might not sound like it. It sure didn't sound like it when I first got into program. Here are some thoughts and truths...Alcoholism is cunning, powerful and baffling. You are watching that right now. Another is that she has no control and the alcohol does. It has all the control...she has been craving and buckled in on the addiction and maybe before you even found out. She has been to rehab and the power of the addiction is standing in between what she has learned and what she is doing. Her craving is insane and beyond anything rational including her family and friends. Is she bad? She is sick and that sickness is attaching itself to every one she comes in contact with. What can she do? Lots of stuff however what she would rather do is drink. she has an obsession of the mind and allergy of the body. She can call the AA help line or hot line. As suggested she can call a sponsor or other member of the program for help. She can call the hospital or other form of help and the disease wants her to drink first always. In spite of your love and her husband's and children's love she will drink. She cannot not drink. Read the post before you where the alcoholic sits in bed reading a newspaper while others are attempting to rescue his life. Cunning, Powerful and Baffling.
There is something you can do for how deeply it has affected you...Call the Al-Anon Hotline number in the white pages of your telephone book and find face to face meetings in your area and times. Go just as quickly as you can and ask of the group what you have asked here...which is just what I did..."Please Help Me."
