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level.
Well for the first time in a long time I am a single woman. The judge granted the divorce today.
A friend from work came with me. She asked me weeks ago and I told her that I thought I would be okay on my own. She would have to take time off from work in order to support me. lol once again I do the "I will do anything for you, but won't accept the same thing from you" thing. Ugh will I ever get over that? lol Yes I know.... with progress and practice :).
So this friend came with me and they called us back into the little court room and I was trying not to be nevervous and give the outcome over to God. The judge saw three people before me so I was able to see the process.
He called me up and swore me in. Then I had a seat and he looked over my paperwork. He knew my all about the criminal background my "A" has. He questioned me on my parenting plan and why I thought them being with me was best for them. I was honest and very candid with him, but then I started to feel guilty for doing so and then the tears came. I didn't like how he was talking about my "A" because he didn't know him so who was he to judge....lol ummm he is a judge (I can see humor in my thinking now).
The judge then saw where I checked the wrong box and conradicted myself and I didn't think he would grant the divorce. I checked a box on one page that said we had joint decision making for education but on another paper I said I had sole decision making. Then the judge said that he didn't see how my "A" had the right to make decisions for the kids as he had never been more than a biological father to them. That was harsh for me to hear as I know he is the best he can be and is still their dad. I tried to answer him, but at that point I was upset and trying to keep the tears in check. I tried to answer him, but he had a hard time hearing me.
Then the judge did something that showed me how compassionate of a man he really is and he was just looking out for the best interest of the kids and in turn me. He looked up at my friend who was sitting behind me and invited her to come sit next to me because he said he could see I needed help. She wanted to the whole time, but didn't know if that was allowed. She took my hand and then we went through the rest of the testimony together.
He granted my divorce and I thanked him and left.
I left there feeling sad and so relieved. I know it is okay to feel the sad and I am not pushing it down.
My friend then took me to a local diner and I so cheated on my diet ! They had these cheese sticks (like mozzarella sticks) but with pepper jack cheese. I figured that yes this was okay to do. I have been working hard and I am back on the "wagon" now.
I see today the good I am doing for me. I am being honest about what happens in my life instead of lying and hiding like I did in my pre-alanon days. I am taking care of me. I am seeing that I am worth it. I have true friends that I can count on.
This journey that I am on amazes me so much and it isn't even really started yet :).
Thanks for being here and being a part of my recovery.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
It sounds like you made it through quite well. It's never an easy thing and some sadness is expected. Hope you enjoyed te cheese sticks . Ever forward, never back! You're doin great!!
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
(((Mandy))) Divorce is never easy, but you're getting through it. I'm glad you had a good friend to be with you yesterday. And that you got a good judge. And that you're sense of humor is returning! There will still be sad times but think about how much better your life is already. Take care of you, and keep coming back. You're going to be fine.
You did what you had to do to take care of your family. You are a strong, brave, funny, compassionate and loving woman. You're children will reflect that. I'm proud of you. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Congrats on your divorce. I know that is a huge chapter in your life that can be closed out. I have had A LOT of dealings with judges over the last year and I completely understand how you were feeling in there. My son is in a drug court program that puts us in a weekly visit to court as part of the program. I have finally gotten used to judges and realize they are human just like us. You said that you didn't like what the judge had to say about your A b/c he doesn't know him......well that should tell you something right there. He was reading the FACTS and "judged" according to them. He didn't have emotion involved and therefore was completely unbiased in his opinion. I know it is hard to hear. I have had to hear it myself. Argueing w/that judgement in my head constantly. Thinking "No. You don't understand the situation. You don't know him like I do." But we are involved w/our A's in an intimate way and therefore our judgements are skewed. And I think that may be part of MY problem with my A. I am too emotionally involved and can't see the FACTS clearly. I guess that is part of my co-dependancy issue.
So now that is done....but it may not be over. So take it easy & give yourself plenty of time to heal.
I'm so glad that you have good friends who are there for you when needed. What a blessing.
I wanted to share with you one of my recent responses to a person who is not emotionally involved with my husband in any way. I was on the phone to my attorney's assistant to inform her of my AH's lastest decisions. Her response to all that I said went something like this: "Well, it was HIS stupidity that got him where he is!" That was quite difficult to hear. I didn't comment. I was aware of the urge to defend him, just as you felt when the judge spoke the facts to you.
Seeing our husbands through the eyes of others is painful at times. But to get healthy ourselves, we must.
Truly, I see I did a disservice to my AH all these years by not stating the facts and dealing with them, instead of always finding excuses and/or reminding myself that deep down he is a good person.
I will soon be part of the divorced club myself. After 36 years of marriage, it's quite a transition. I married at 19. Marriage has been a huge part of my life. But taking it day by day, I will find a new path for myself. You will too!
Keep up the good work! You'll do GREAT!
Thanks for your share, GailMichelle
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
((((Mandy)))) - thank you for sharing about your journey. May your next chapter be great for you and to you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
My divorce hearing was simple and painless - in a relative way I guess. It was a no-fault divorce and no custody or alimony and we had already divided up our stuff. Wife showed up with her attorney and her sister. I showed up by myself... in a coat and tie, which I joked that I only wear for new customers, weddings, and court. Sister in law is acting like she wants to be MY support person, and almost like the three of us were going to do lunch afterward just like old times. I had any one of a dozen friends or family members I could have asked to come along, but I really felt I should do it alone - it was a statement on my part. When the gavel fell and I got my copy of the paper, I turned on my heel and walked out. I never looked back and didn't stop walking until I got to the cigar store 5 blocks away.
The X seemed to think I would be crushed without her. I hope I absolved her of any guilt she may have felt about that... LOL. When we had been divorced a year, we had been exchanging emails. I said we should probably shelve the post mortem for 5 years, and after 5 years, we'd maybe do lunch and see if there was anything to talk about.
Hard to believe it has been 15. We never did lunch, although we did go with a larger group out to dinner after daughter's wedding a few years ago.
! They had these cheese sticks (like mozzarella sticks) but with pepper jack cheese. I figured that yes this was okay to do. I have been working hard and I am back on the "wagon" now. 
