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Hi, I'm new here and I wasn't sure how this works, but oh well. I'm deployed right now and I was informed that my husband has been AWOL and essentially missing for more than a month. He was supposed to be going to ASAP (army substance abuse program) for alcohol abuse. Even though I told his unit that he was only playing along to get them to leave him alone and that there was more wrong with him (his cousin told me he was abusing drugs as well), they didn't do anything. And now he's missing, he left our house in ruins. His friend said he thought he was having flashbacks when he drank, I don't know the truth, but I am incredibly worried. He not getting paid, so I don't know how he's feeding his addiction, but I know he wouldn't still be gone if he wasn't. He won't respond to me or to his family. I just don't know how to help him. I try to realize that he's not in control right now, but I just can't stand doing nothing as he destroys himself. I know I can't really do anything, but I love him and this is like a nightmare. I feel like if I had never had to leave this wouldn't have happened, but it's not like I wanted to go, I fought it from the day I go orders. Is there anything at all I can do for him?
Hi Katie and a very warm welcome to you and thank you for your service to us....
One of the principles we have is to not give advice, but more so to listen and give our understanding and compassion........for each situation is different for everyone......and this is subject delicate to talk to just anyone......
You are very right when you admit that we can't really do anything for them and maybe the distance helps you realize that a little better than most (that is the first step: we admit we are powerless).
Even if you were with him right now, the only way he can get better, is if he comes to a point where he realizes he needs help.......sometimes a strong support system of family and friends and others like him can help as well.........Coming to Al-Anon is a sign of support for them....but is mainly a series of principles to help you deal......and it really does "work if you work it."
You are in the right place. The only things we can change are ourselves and how we react to this disease. :(
You and your husband are in my prayers and I really do hope he comes around and lets you know he's ok. Your situation is difficult, yet even if you were here, its only up to him if he decides to change. The situation of both of you being apart an in the military is different than most, but hopefully talking to a counselor yourself, or coming here and applying al-anon principles to your life can help your peace of mind. We are here to listen and genuinly empathize with you, friend <3 (((hugs and prayers for you))))
-- Edited by RoseODAT on Friday 26th of February 2010 09:39:01 PM
Hello Katie , welcome the best thing u can do to support your husb is learn all u can about alcoholism , you are probably not in a place where u can attend meetings but if u come to the chat room , we have 2 meetings a day 9am and pm eastern time , you will find the help you need for yourself and your husb . Your not the reason this is happening Katie , if you were at home it may have taken a little longer to get to where he is now but he would have gotten there non the less . You cannot control his drinking were simply not that powerful .. You can order Al-Anon literature on line you will find links to book stores on this site as well . Try and remember that your husb has a Higher Power and that he is not alone , he will take him where he needs to go .. You need to take care of yourself u cannot afford to be distracted at this time in your life .. Everytime we rescue or save them we allow this disease to continue , intervention rarley works -- it often makes things worse ,only adds to the guilt and shame the alcoholic is already dealing with .. I pray your husb hits his bottom and chooses to recover ..I cannot imagine how u must be feeling so far away from home , your situation is truly unique . I will keep you and husb in my thoughts and prayers // our chat room is open 24-7 there are usually people in the room as we have members from several time zones who come to this site.. i too thank you for your service altho I am Canadian , we too benefit from your service .. as does the rest of the free world .
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, however, even if you were here at home you wouldnt be able to do anything about his problem. The information I was able to get tells me that there should be family support services for you somewhere in camp or base We in alanon practice the same 12 steps as does AA and you might be able to find an aa meeting easierthere, you would be able to talk to someone about your concerns. I dont mean to sound cut and dry because I understand what its like to love an alcoholic and a drug addict. I do not know what it feels like to be in another land fighting for our country and for that I give you my love and thanks. Now, if you were anyone else coming here new other than a GI I would say this... The only one we have any control over is ourselves, we can worry and fret and cry and scream..but it does no good. Right now You need to put the focus back on You so you can stay safe yourself..of all the people in the world You need to keep your mind in the moment, you cant do anything but turn your husband over to whatever higher power you believe in and let him go for now. You are a woman who loves an addicted man and many of us are or have been, but the one difference with you is your very life and the life of your fellow soldiers depends on you staying focused. Please know I am saying these things because I feel for you and would like to be able to believe that your staying safe everyday and night. So, here are some little slogans to lean on for support and the Serenity Prayer for comfort that was written for soldiers back in WW2. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change The courage to change the things I can and..The Wisdom to know the difference..Amen
also..the 3 C's..........You didnt cause it..You cant cure it...and.You cant control it..
May the love of your higher power fill your heart with peace and hope Bless you ((Katie))) Love in recovery, grammie
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Serenity isn't freedom from the storm.. It's the peace within the storm...
All I can say is - "what the others said". You are in the right place, there's nothing you can do for your husband - he has to do it for himself, etc...
Thank you so much for your service to our country. It demonstrates the courage, strength and commitment that you have and I suspect is what will get you through the journey of your relationship with an addict.
I hope you keep coming back here and can find some support where you are deployed.
Aloha Katie..."is there anything I can do for him?" The solution to that question that was given to me from inside the Al-Anon Family Groups was "turn her over to God". You have got so much to be responsible for yourself that trying to do that and to be there for him when he is not there for himself or anyone else is impossible and an attempt at insanity. Alcoholism and drug addiction can take down the military. It is that cunning powerful and baffling and he has a consequence for being AWOL and for his addictions. He will loose his military privileges and rank and income (the booze doesn't care neither the drugs) and if it isn't arrested he will loose his life and still the booze and the drugs don't care. There is a whole multitude of victims to be had. I was in the Navy...maddening that they ranted against drunk and disorderly yet being the best liquor store I've ever been in. I am with him as he does his run. I pray he will "hit the wall" and surrender himself to saving his life. God grant him the courage.
Keep coming back here and into the Al-Anon program so that we can love and support YOU as you start to support and love yourself. You've been given the three Cs and the Serenity Prayer. The Program and MIP will give you our Expeprience Strength and Hope and love and support. Becareful and take care of yourself. (((((hugs)))))
as does the rest of the free world .
