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If I'm not snooping, and I happen upon something that indicates that someone has lied to me, what do I do?
Lying is unacceptable. I want to let the other person know that. It crossed my honesty boundary. But how can I communicate this without trying to control the other person?
I'm really sad, honestly. I have been working hard on not snooping, focusing on myself, and just letting go and letting God. What happens when I just discover something untruthful? I don't know what to do.
I assume it's an alcoholic who's lying? That would be a different situation from a friend or partner who's not an alcoholic. Things got better for me when I just assumed the alcoholic was lying. I figured it wouldn't stop until he went into recovery.
The problem for me was when he was supposed to be in recovery, and I found out he had been drinking (and, of course, lying about it).
When I figured out he wasn't actually going to stop, that's when I left. How to stay with them and deal with the lying -- that's a challenge. I like the suggestion someone here made of just saying, "Uh-huh" -- not arguing, but also not pretending to buy into it. What happens when you find out inadvertently and he thinks you've swallowed the lie is slightly different. I think I wouldn't bring it up (though it would be hard to keep it from eating at me), but I also wouldn't pretend I believed it if the subject came up.
White Rabbit...what I did was to work harder on "not snooping". It's none of my business so leave it go. Plus I wasn't very good at judging others either...I always left the self judgment part of the practice out of the program. Not snooping was ego deflating and that is one of the biggest and best deflations I could have ever got into. I was taught in Al-Anon that when I first work in the morning, I was to kill my ego and crush my pride. It's humbling and of course for me necessary or else I become the "biggest problem" again. UHUH NO! (((((hugs)))))
I know you guys are right. I'll have to work harder now on not snooping and just focus on working harder on myself. My first reaction in tricky situations with alcoholics has typically been a completely out of control temper trantrum. I didn't do it. That's certainly progress - just being able to have a discussion about something without losing control of myself and carrying on like a crazy person is awesome.
Today I'm working on not allowing the disease to suck me in. If I'm not vigilent about my own actions, it will. I find that I'm detaching with an axe today and don't feel much love, but I'm detaching and that's a start.
Sometimes this is a minute by minute process. I'm grateful for the tools I've gotten, and grateful that I can talk to you guys instead of either taking action or feeling completely alone. I trust that my HP didn't bring me all this way to drop me on my head.
I think it's a positive that you are posting here, and at least openly questioning these things, rather than just "reacting" - shows growth and recovery, on your part! :)
When ya think of it, "catching" somebody lying is kind of like "catching" our A's drinking - it really doesn't mean much, in and of itself.... Typically, the only reason to "confront someone about a lie" is if it has truly caused you harm, or if you need clarification about something.... Otherwise, it is often best to chalk it up to awareness, and it will probably influence how you see & interact with that person in the future....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Canadian Guy has his wisdom hat on and caused me to also remember that I cannot catch someone lying without catching myself snooping at the same time. Go Figure!! Got me!!
I now refer to snooping as "Counting Cans", (something I have done in the past),----- cut my finger wide open digging through the kitchen trash can one night getting my daily count. It was part of my addiction, I had to know how many beers my AW had drank that day. Now if snooping ever enters my mind I look down at the scar on my finger and smile. A lasting reminder.
The night I cut my finger it reminded me of "Snoopy" in the Peanuts cartoon, he was laying on his back, spread out on top of his dog house, looking up staring at the sky as it was pouring down rain. The caption stated: "There is something I should learn from this but I don't know what it is"!!!
Counting cans, catching them lying, snooping, trying to look inside their heads never did me any good, but it took getting in this program and working it to the best of my ability for me to understand that the crazy person was the one I look at every morning when I shave.
Yikes. You might want to make sure to protect yourself, if that's the kind of lying that's going on. Separating your finances, etc. If it's not a problem with how much is being spent, but where it's being spent, I guess my thought would be: did you think that nothing unhealthy was going on? (That's a real question, not meant to be snarky.) If you already know that unhealthy stuff is going on, then the details are not that important. However, if a boundary is being crossed -- if your A is up to something that is intolerable to you (and I could think of a number of things that might be), then that's important to know about. But if it's that he's doing things sneakily -- that's what alcoholism is about, right? That doesn't excuse it -- but it makes it predictable, if you see what I mean.
Yes, the problem was where it was spent. I wasn't aware anything of this nature was going on. He was sneaky and lied - and yes, when you put it that way, Mattie, that's exactly what alcoholism is about. Realizing that actually does help. I'm trying to keep that in mind.
I approached him about this because he crossed two boundaries I had set. He apologized, said he will work hard to not do it again, and listed some of the changes he plans to make. The same ole schpiel, as all of you know. The words are completely meaningless. I quit listening after I heard "I promise" and just said "okay" and went to brush my teeth. I won't be snooping to find out if he was sincere enough to make changes. I figure that if he wasn't, eventually it'll come to light.
The program really does work - I'm more and more amazed. There were times in my life where something like this would've consumed me - I would've spent all day thinking about it, feeling physically sick, probably had to stay home from work because I wouldn't have been able to concentrate. I went to work today and put in a long hard day working on something that I was able to give my undivided attention. I am so proud that I have come that far! This situation is still a little perplexing, but I'm driving the bus - it's not driving me.
Hi white rabbit. i have discovered that my AH is lying a lot as well. I wasn't actually snooping at all though, after several drinks he told me things that he had lied about and covered up. None of the things he had been lying about were due to drinking though, but I am starting to think he just lies all the time. But I think this is all a part of alcoholism isn't it?? Lying??
