The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I can't get to a f2f meeting. A/DH took our car and I have no one to babysit my kids anyway and one is sick.
This is new to me. He came home last night for the first time in 4 days and was high on crack/herion what have you.
He was so angry and blamed me for all this. Was awful. Was a bit threatening. I stayed out of his way.
He slept all day and then left again.
Isn't going to work, I've been laid off and don't get unemployment. Took what little money we had. Do I just let him come and go? When he is sober, do I ask him to leave? Do I get a protection order? I don't know what to do. I'm afraid and don't want to do the wrong thing.
Do I wash his clothes when he leaves the dirty ones here?
Destynee - while I can't offer answers as to what you should/need to do, I can share what's been told to me.
You should do whatever you need to do to take care of you. Even if you can't get to local F2F meetings, perhaps your local groups have a phone list and you can reach out for support locally - it sounds like you may need it.
Your situation sounds overwhelming, and I can offer you (((hugs))) and a meeting here, @ 9pm EST tonight and most nights at the same time.
There are also meetings here each morning - most of them are at 9am EST.
Trying to talk with any addict/alcoholic while under the influence is usually unsuccessful. Even during moments between use, this disease affects the thinking process in a way that your results might not be a whole lot different.
Do whatever you can do for you tonight/next and stay close to the program - via phone (local) or via here.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am so sorry you are dealing with the chaos of this disease. We here in Alanon do not give advise because we cannot know all that is involved in a situation.
What you will do for him as far as washing clothes is a individual choice.
We do suggest that each member come here or to alanon F2F meetings. That you not make any major changes in your life for 6 months. Then we ask you to use the new tools offered,try to live one day a a time, focus on yourself , pray . You will reach a point where you will have enough clarity to decide what is the best action to take.
If you are in physical danger and your life is threatened, then naturally you must take reasonable action to secure your safety and that of your children.
Please try to attend on-line meetings here and enter the 24/7 chat You are not alone and you can find help
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 24th of February 2010 08:35:45 PM
Hi, Destyne -- so glad you are here, because there is so much support here.
I think what others said is the most important thing -- taking care of yourself and your kids. Think what you would do if your H were hit by a bus or ran off to Argentina. How would you take care of yourself and your kids? I think it might be wise to start putting that into action, because it doesn't sound as if your H is any more reliable or helpful than he were if he were hit by a bus or in Argentina.
I was terrified of how I would keep it all going without my ex. I don't mean to say these things are easy, but it was easier than I thought. Not having the chaos of the ex made me able to handle things much better, and he also wasn't using up money, getting himself in messes that threw us both into turmoil, etc.
Many meetings also have childcare, for when your little one is better. I hope you can get to those too, because having friends and confidantes in your community is so valuable -- people you can tell when life starts to get out of control, not to mention people who can help with practical things like rides, babysitting, etc. And eventually a sponsor who will help change your life.
As for the rest, most of it is taken care of by realizing that since we can't change or control the A, we can let go of trying. For the rest, it's your call, as long as you're making sure your and your kids are taken care of.
When safety is an issue there is no wrong decission - you deserve to live free of fear . Trust your gut , trust what your seeing and hearing .. bottom line take care of you and the kids ..... Blaming you is normal , dont take it on you are NOT the reason he is doing what he's doing regardless of what he says .
"Do I just let him come and go? When he is sober, do I ask him to leave? Do I get a protection order? I don't know what to do. I'm afraid and don't want to do the wrong thing." -Destynee
You are the only one that can answer these questions. You have to figure out what is right for you. In the past when I had specific questions, I called my local police station and talked to them. They answered the questions I had and put my mind at ease. Every state is different. I think if you try to take your time and dont rush any life altering decisions, taking your time and waiting until you get some clarity and can make a decision that is right for you. Know that you certainly have choices. I agree with abbyal, if you are in danger physically, get protection/safety for yourself.
What you do to empower yourself, cant be the "wrong" thing. Take your time, focus on you and your true needs. I did that and got mine down to a small list and it was very basic/clear. Then each day I worked on what I could do to allow me to feel better about myself and my situation. Then I did it, whatver it was - even if it was trivial and over time I did feel a lot better - I set boundaries and got some detachment and worked hard on me & my program. Be kind and gentle with yourself, take care.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
