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Ok so this may seem silly - well probably not to all of you but maybe the rest of the rational world. I have always been one to jump right into relationships. It's either all or nothing. It's on or it's off. It's hot or it's cold. We are living together from almost the day we meet and are inseperable.
So now I'm trying to do things the right way only I have no experience in what is "right" and feel like I need the advice of people who have done things "normally". I have been dating various people. I feel like none of them are truly interested in me because I don't hear from them every day and they aren't DYING to see me every moment. So I take this as hm he's just not interested. I had a great date last week, good guy, has a job (that's rare around here) doesn't live with his parents (even rarer) and we have had little convos via facebook and text but no call, no request for a second date. So I'm going into oh well he's just not interested mode. I am lost as to what constitutes "taking it slow" and what constitutes "he's just not into me". Not that I'm waiting around for this guy but I do like him and I feel so confused because of all my past experiences of we are together now and inseparable (or at least we talk a few times a day) and my reality now where I might hear from someone here and there but nothing regular or that feels meaningful.
Soooo I'd like some ESH on what taking it slow looks like and maybe how to deal with my feelings that someone is not interested because they are not on top of me 24/7. On the flip side, when it's someone I'm not interested in pursuing me I feel bothered by them and that they are "needy". LOL Boy am I messed up.
My sponsor said that it is not about if he likes me....it is now about if I like him. For years if I guy liked me I believed I had to like him back, even if I didn't like him at all. That led to some pretty destructive relationships. I took over a year off after my divorce. I had NO idea what healthy looked like or felt like. Even though I had a pretty good idea of what sick looked and felt like, I couldn't trust myself at that point to not be attracted to the same ole same ole.
Today, I only date men (not "guys") who have a life. I am currently dating a man who has a full life and is very fun to be around. I have not introduced him to my kids (or me to his) and I am in no rush. It's only been 2 months and I know for sure now (NOW after trial and error) that I do not want to involve my kids in something that might be short term. He is complimenting my life and not trying to be the center of it. He is enjoying his own journey in life, as am I and if our journeys converge at some point, well, that will be very special.
I chose him. I chose to date him. After well over a year I was no longer desprete. And I had made my "learn from it" mistakes.
Time takes time. Today I will no longer allow anyone or anything to pull my focus of off of myself or my kids. And that feels better than any man ever has :)
I could have written your share myself. I too agree with the other shares the longer I am in al anon and the more important I become to me the more my relationship change. Today I look to see if the relationship is good for me. I rushed into this relationship and have payed the price. I was married for 17 year to a compulsive gambler dated after a couple of months wrong man then met A after 10 months jumped in head first. I hav always been in relationships and hated being on my own, i needed to be loved even if the person never had much to offer. I know today i am right where I am meant to be my A is in recovery and we no longer live togethr. I have my own life and we only see ech other twice a week. I hand this relationship and our recoveries over to Hp on a daily basis and no longer worry if we will make it, if this is forever etc. I used to work so hard to fix my relationships or should that be my partner, I just wanted the perfect relationship. I had a friend who was really hurt by her ex she is very health she dated casually for over two years while she healed. She then dated a really nice man twice a week fo two years. She really took her time to get to kno him, before she moved in with him. This has payed off she has been with him now for over 10 years. I think that I take more time choosing a house or car than I do picking a person to share my life when it is most probably one of the most important decisions we have to make. use your programme take it easy, keep it simple, stay in the day. Hp will bring the right person to you at the right time. the most atractive thing to me in a partner is someone who is happy and content in their own life.
Aloha CG...here's the old lesson...No new relationships within the first two years of program with the exception of Higher Power and Sponsor and self. The other one is...If what you're doing isn't giving you what you want...do the opposite. ((hugs))
Thanks Jerry :) I got a little giggle out of that. I'm not really sure what the opposite is though lol. I guess my problem is... I don't know what my problem is. I have been looking for someone and I really like what was said about spending more time picking a car or a house! How true that is. I have been weeding through a variety of guys that I have encountered, gone on first dates with, chatted with online, talked to on the phone, etc. etc. etc. and my conclusion is - there are no men here for me :). I will not jump into a relationship with someone who does not meet my needs but then on the other hand I guess the question is what are my needs? Half the time I feel like I really need someone in my life at least to date, have fun with maybe some sex but not get attached (I have actually found this is possible as of late), then sometimes I feel this is so superficial I just want someone I can really connect with and others I feel like I just want to do what I want to do. I am not used to being patient and expecting someone to have their own life and it feels wrong to me. How long will it take before I feel like this is normal and what I had before (constant attention) was wrong? I guess my main problem is I don't know what it looks like when normal people date. I know who I like but I assume they don't like me if they are not ALL about me. How selfish is that huh? I have always felt like I'm going to miss something and like I will just be forgotten like I'm utterly forgetable. I know I'm a great person and I feel like I can't understand why they can't see that and not be able to get enough of me :) UGH I wish I could forget about men, focus on my life and just get on with it but I feel like if I stop looking I'm going to get old and die alone and that no one will ever just "cross my path" that I am actually interested in! I keep trying and am not feeling satisfied. I keep dating and feel either rejected because they forget about me and I fade away and then I feel so undesired or they pester me and i feel they are too needy and avoid them. LOL There is no winning here !!!
The last relationship I had was so monumental and had such catstrophic effect on me if I never have another relationship again in my life its fine by me. I'd prefer to be alone than do that again. I don't think I ever felt like that before. Loneliness ruled me.
The problem might very well be in "looking for a guy" as an answer to your problem. You don't know what the problem is as you have said. Knowing what the problem is is necessary to finding the solution. Doing the opposite means...If looking for a guy for and with the reasons you have for doing that is causing problems...Don't keep looking for a guy as the solution. Recovery is largely about finding out who you are without distractions, something to take the focus off the solution work.
I do relate to what you have been saying and doing and then I had to practice what I was being taught. Lay off the "hunting", looking for another woman to save me. Since all of my intimate relationships had ended in disaster until that time one thing became very very obvious...the problem was me and until I stopped and then changed me I would continue to make the same mistakes over and over again expecting different results. That is the definition of insanity which leads to d o o m. Its not the other person who saves me. The other person cannot be my higher power and should not be strapped with that responsibility. There is no other human being on the face of this earth that can make life more perfect for me when I am the faulted piece of the puzzle. I cannot fix the alcoholic and no one else including an alcoholic can fix me.
Take it slow...get to know yourself first and better than anyone else.
To me taking it slow means accepting life on life's terms. When you try to force a result either one way or the other chances are the end results are not what you were hoping for. I use to be an all or nothing person, be it in work or in relationships, you name it. Guess what? It never worked. I had to learn to slow it down. Taking it ODAT, living life in the moment and not projecting. This path has enabled me to lead a much better and happier life. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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