The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One of my neighbors ended up being hosptialized this last weekend. She has a girlfriend who basically stole all her medication and she just lost it over time as she could not get anymore medication for herself. She is still in the hospital at this point.
I really believe I was certainly in the same place for years and years with the ex A. The whole issue with his crashing the cars/trucks every other second really got to me, not to mention the finances, his friends being over all the time and the lies lies and more lies.
I have been pretty stressed out lately and I have to remind myself all the time that this is peanuts compared to all I used to live with. The constant arguments, the never knowing when he would come home and if he would come home, the bills never being paid, electric was cut off regularly, phone cut off regularly, 3 day notices galore. I lived, ate and slept chaos. Right now I do feel stressed but it is manageable. I only have me to manage after all. I can make adjustments. I found it immensely difficult to make adjustments when I lived with him.
I know my neighbor had a real struggle making boundaries with her girlfriend. She was fiercely attached as I was to the ex A. She had no ability to detach. Her only topic of conversation is the girlfriend, the ex A was all I talked about for years and years.
My friendships and relaitonships were based then on who could stand listening to me rant and rave and grieve and flip out. I do not have to have relatoinships like that these days. No matter what I was dealing with then the Ex A's alcoholism and drug addiction took priority over everything he made sure of that. If I was ill in the hospital he resented that I was not paying attention to him and his needs. If I was at work I was supposed to be helping him. No matter what I did, no matter what I gave, no mater what I said, nothing but nothing was ever enough.
I have many many stressors these days, my health is not shattered anymore (I can find time to take care of myself). I have a long long way to go in trying to fashion a reasonable life for myself. Nevertheless the amount of stress I process daily is not in the ballpark of someone dealing with an addict. I am not going to be carted off to the hospital like my neighbor and no matter how I feel about today I am grateful for that reprieve.
Maresie, You go girl.....have you reread what you posted? If not you should. There is a ton of growth there my dear.
I can so relate to what you said. I am a single mother of three working full time and all that stress is a cake-walk for me now because the violent unknown is not a part of our lives.
I know leaving isn't the right choice for all of us, but it was so the right choice for me.
Keep working it girl...you rock :)
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Thank you so much for your powerful share. I agree the amount of stress endured by living with an addict/alcoholic is off the charts.
I must share that many years ago when I first entered alanon I was so use to drama and crisis that when I heard people talk about Serenity, I thought wow that sounds very boring!!!
The first time I experienced it in my life I was stunned!!! It was then that I decided that NOTHING would ever take that away from me again. I have had many painful incidents in my life over the years but I must hold on to my inner serenity at all costs
I definitely concur..... Count me as one of those who needed anti-depressants during the darkest days of my ex-AW's alcoholism.... I went through all the ego issues before I finally relented, and my doctor explained to me that I was really suffering from "situational depression" - i.e. depression caused by the situation or circumstances... That helped me accept it a little better, and the reality is that I DID need them at the time....
Fast forward to today, and I agree wholeheartedly with your post - life's ups & downs can be upsetting, but not even close to the degree of where I was back then...
Thanks for posting
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I wanted to add for the newcomers when I eventually left the ex A I remained totally over involved good 9 months. I did not simply skip from leaving him to a better life. For me its been a long long haul to get to detachment, self preservation and more.
