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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My relationship with my father is ruining the rest of the relationships in my life.
My father has been an alcoholic all of my life. By the time I was 19, I had come to terms with this fact, and told myself that, to have any sort of relationship with this man, I cannot trust him. He's the person I would go to when I wanted to be told that everything would be alright, that I was doing fine. Six years ago, he was diagnosed with Stage 4 oral cancer. I spent over $1000 and each of my days off driving over 4 hours round trip to take him to treatment. The stress cost me a promotion at work. He survived, and said he was going to change and I thought to myself "Yeah, right." Then he did the unthinkable: he got sober.
He was sober for almost 2 years. During that time, he was eating and he was active and he was trying to recover from the radiation and chemotherapy. His entire personality changed. He began paying his bills, in full and on time. He changed his standard of living, having a normal furnace instead of kerosene heaters. Then, about 2 years ago, he fell off the wagon.
Today, he weights about 90 pounds, his throat is too gummed up for him to eat, and he cannot drive, he can barely walk. I visit him once a week, having control of his finances and power of attorney. I bring him groceries and, during that weekly visit, I wash his dishes (these are getting fewer and fewer), clean the catbox, and do other small chores. He has given up, and I know and understand this. I don't worry that he will die, I worry HOW he will die, and I would rather he die somewhere where I don't have to deal with it.
He needs a level of care that I am unable to provide, and worrying about him occupies too much of my time. When my boyfriend was trying to talk to me about his family problems, I initially was sympathetic and gave him the support and attention that he needed, but ended up thoughtlessly turning the conversation toward my problems with my father and his health. He listened and responded for a while, then hung up on me. As soon as that happened, I realized what I had done, and called him back. I got his voicemail, and left him a message apologizing for venting to him and not being supportive, but that I wanted to make sure that he was ok. That was two days ago, and today when I messaged him to tell him about a test grade, he told me he didn't care, to leave him alone, and that I was selfish and that he was pissed at me. When I told him that he had every right to be, that I hadn't been supportive and that I was sorry, he told me that the conversation was over. I might be single now, and although there were other issues in my relationship, I have to lay the blame for that on my worry about my father and his manipulative, selfish ways that have me trapped.
I want more than anything for him to be in a facility where other people can take care of him and I can go back to just being his daughter, but he will refuse to go into one. In the meantime, I will have to fight hard to keep my emotions in regard to the situation in check so that I don't continue to selfishly and thoughtlessly hurt the other people in my life that I care about and have (and am creating) healthy relationships with. I wish more than anything that I could take that phone conversation back, that I could be a better girlfriend, that I could get myself back. My relationship with my father is destroying me.
ETA: edited to removed some odd formatting.
-- Edited by Alyana on Tuesday 23rd of February 2010 12:07:27 AM
You have come to a valuable and safe place where there are many who understand what you are going through and who have walked in your shoes. I can feel the emotion and frustration in your post. I really believe that by reading the messages on this Board, by learning the 12 steps (which I am in the "first stage" of myself) and by attending meetings, you will find the tools and the strength within yourself to change your life (or at least your perspective and reactions).
Keep coming back - there is a wealth of "experience, hope and strength" here. As you read, "take what you like" and leave what doesn't work for you. Please consider attending meetings - either face to face meetings or the online format here.
(((((hugs)))) to you. You have taken a very important step.
I hear your pain and sadness and just wanted to assure you that you are not alone . There is help.
As has been suggested please try to attend meetings in your community and on line here.
Having lived with alcoholism we learned destructive tools to enable us to handle life. In alanon we learn to use constructive tools that enable us to change our attitudes and eventually our responses to life.
We learn to Focus on Ourselves, Not React but Act, Live One Day At A Time, Trust a Higher Power, and to Live and let Live.
It is a simple program for complicated people. Please keep coming back and sharing that is HOW we change We learn to be Honest, Open and Willing.
In regards to you dad... first of all sorry you are going through this. I am not sure from yur post if your dad has been diagosed as terminal or if it the alcholism that is making him so sick now. Is it possible if he is terminal you can get the doctor to place him in hospice care. He could still be at home and they would visit once a week or so to check on him. If he is not capable of taking care of himself you could possibly get power of atty on his affairs and have him placed somewhere. just a couple of things to think about. As far as your boyfriend sounds as though it was those "other issues" that are bothering him and is using your last conversation as an excuse. just my opinion. I can tell you you have come to a great supportive, loving place and urge you to get to some alanon meetings. Even the ones we have here on line. It's a wonderful program that will allow you to live peacefully despite what circumstances you may be in. Welcome to the family
Thank you everyone for your welcome. It does make me feel better to know that there are others who have had to deal with similar problems and that this is a place where I can express my frustrations.
To xeno59: Thank you for your input. My father managed to become cancer free (a miracle in of itself considering that he had less than a 10% survival chance and an 90% chance of reoccurance.) This is one of the (many) reasons why I'm so mad at him - he was given a second chance that so many people deserve and he wasted it. Oral cancer is one of the worst forms because, by the time it is discovered, it is usually Stage 3 or 4, and it has the highest rate of reoccurance. With my father, the problem is that the radiation that was directed at his neck fried his saliva glands. He suffers from dry mouth and has a lot of scar tissue in his throat, which makes it hard for him to eat. This problem is compounded by the fact that he has started drinking again, and is drinking rum and Coke, which dehydrates him even more and makes it even harder to eat anything. So, he is basically starving himself to death.
I want to find some sort of facility that will take him, that his insurance will pay for. At this point, I don't even care if he gets sober or not. I just want a place for him to live out his final time where he has other people to take care of him. The problem is that I'm 99% certain that he will refuse to go, so I'm trying to build myself up for the fight ahead to deal with this, and I feel like it is taking up too much of my time and energy.
With the boyfriend, well, he wants me to cut my father off completely. A lot of our issues as a couple come from a lack of communication. With the last phone conversation, for example, I admit that I acted thoughtlessly when I started venting about my father, but I refuse to accept all of the blame, because he should have gently stopped me and said something like "I know you're having problems with your dad, but I really need to talk about this issue in my life." It would have been the cue I needed to pull myself back, to realize sooner what I was doing, and to apologize and be supportive to him. Instead, he let me keep venting until he got mad enough that he hung up and now isn't talking to me. Very mature. My thing is that I would much rather be focusing on my relationship with the boyfriend. It's just one more thing right now, but that is the relationship that should be my main focus.
In a good intimate relationship (not only physical but emotional as well) each partner should be there for the other in times of distress and need. You did nothing wrong by venting with your boyfriend. That is what he is supposed to be there for.
When I was a teen, my grandmother was dying. She and I were very close. I couldn't deal with that fact so insted of being there for her and with her, I withdrew and focused on a relationship I was having with a boy. I wasn't there for her as she died and I will always regret that. I didn't understand at the time that I was in denile of the finality of death. I wish I had chosen to focus on her in those final weeks rather than a boy (who turned out to be a total jerk).
I see now that it was the only way I could cope with the reality.
When my dad was dying, I was in the process of leaving my AH. I set aside myself and my issues and I was fully there for my dad. I didn't have to do what I did. I could have easily put my focus on my AH and all the chaos he was bringing into my life. It would have been so very easy to avoid my father and the whole dying process and my feelings surrounding it.
But I knew I didn't want to have any regrets when I looked back. And I knew that once death happens there is no more final chance to talk, to show my love, to be there. So, I chose to be there, talk and love my dad. Best decision I ever made. I have no regrets. And suprise suprise, my now EX AH was a total jerk the entire time.
Death is final. Once it's over it is over. I try today to live in the moment. One day at a time. I refuse to live with regrets so I have to live today to the very best of my ability and then I have nothing to regret.
Your boyfriend may think it's easy to turn your back on a family member with an addiction. I hope he never has to walk in your shoes and see what it's like. The real test of a person's ability to be supportive, in my opinion, is when their partner is faced with a situation like this. He needs to detach and take care of himself. If he can't listen to you vent, that's something to think about when you think whether you want to be with this guy. If it's too much for him, he could certainly say, "I can't listen any more right now, it makes me too upset." Don't take his inability to cope on yourself; his response is his own responsibility.
My father had an undiscovered cancer that made him unable to eat for several years. He survived on Ensure (a liquid meal replacement) and alcohol. You shouldn't feel responsible for your father's choices, but if he would drink Ensure (even with alcohol added), that might be a load off your mind.
This is hard, incredibly hard. Do get plenty of support by going to meetings and keeping coming back. It's hard for those who haven't been through it to know how awful it is.
Yes, I am in agreement with Mattie here, I really didn't think what you did was so terrible. I know perhaps you annoyed your boyfriend but there is none of us perfect and I don't think you should be so hard on yourself. Your father is very ill. I have two brothers, a father and I know what this is like. Get yourself to meetings so that you have some support and somewhere you can be understood. You are very aware which is great and I am sending good wishes your way. This disease really destroys so take care.
Welcome to the MIP family board. I hope you will keep coming back as it mey help you deal with your extraordinary circumstances.
When I first came here, I heard from the group that "real" alanon meetings, that is, in-person, are an even greater help and they were right. I learned many tools for dealing with my situation, including the power of detachment with love, letting go and letting God, and the serenity prayer. All these tools helped me survive in a relationship where the alcoholic in my life, my husband, was literally drinking himself to death. He passed away just 6 weeks ago.
If not for this program, I feel I would almost certainly have gone mad. I'm devastated by the loss, but have learned that my AH had the right to live and die as he chose. That was very hard for me to accept. I had the right to decide how I wanted to live. I chose to live with the principles of alanon right by my side.
I will pray for you, that you might find some peace and recovery from the effects of the disease. I will also pray for your father, that he may not suffer.
Welcome glad you are here. Al anon has much to offer you. I hope you find even a fraction of what I have found at this board, love understanding, supporting, care and clarity.
Sounds like the boyfriend is the selfish one and not very understanding. I lost the love of my life a few months back because I said some things in an unkind way that he did not want to hear. It happens, if they truly love you they talk to you and work through it. If not they walk away and find someone who will be all about them or who is "easy" and requires little effort.
Sorry about the problems with your father, it sounds like he is going downhill fast. I can only say that one day he will be gone and you will be glad you had the time you did. I am not sure if you can have him committed to a facility since you do have power of attorney? Maybe you can get some sort of home care aide for him to come in and help out so it is not so overwhelming for you? Just a few ideas. Most counties have home health programs if he has medicaid and if not that would be my first goal. Call around and check your options. I wish you the best and know that this too shall pass.
My sister and I went out to visit our father. He is dying, and it appears to be happening quickly now. He firmly refused to even consider a facility, but when I mentioned Hospice, and told him quite firmly that it was for ME and MY peace of mind, not HIS, he kind of shrugged and told me to do what I want. So, contacting Hospice and seeing what they can do is my next step in that saga.
The boyfriend and I talked today. He was mad because a) he really needed my support at that moment and I wouldn't stop talking about my problems, and he interpreted it as "my problems are more important than yours" and b) that my doctor had put me on an antidepressant. He was worrying about the side effects of it because he had seen it mess up other people and he knows that it can be addictive. "Don't you think these are things I considered?" I asked him. "Don't you think these are things that my doctor and I talked about before I accepted the prescription?" He also said that he wished that I had done counseling again before doing this, and I told him that if he had talked to me long enough to get the entire story instead of hanging up on me, he would have found out that this is going to be done in conjunction with counseling, but that I was in the process of finding a new counselor (I had moved into a new county since leaving therapy four years ago, so have to deal with a different community mental health service).
I was very proud of myself when talking to the boyfriend, because I didn't get over emotional, and I made my points very firmly without being bitchy. I told him that, when he's getting mad about something he needs to TELL me that instead of letting it build up until he just stops talking to me. I told him that doing that was unfair to me. So, I'm going to be doing counseling again (which was my original plan) and he is supposed to work on the shutting down with anger issue.
I don't want to sum it up by saying "all's well ends well" because this is far from over. However, I made a lot of progress personally by standing up for myself in a relationship, and I was rewarded by both my feeling of pride and my boyfriend obviously respecting me enough to agree to work on his issue. Follow through is going to be important here, but I have found a measure of peace with the situation, and that's the feeling I'm going to focus on now.
