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I called the A tonight to see how he was doing. Was feeling bad about a friendship that had fallen apart. I was deceptive and hinted that it was a male friend- it wasn't. Anyway, the A ends up telling me that his mom visited this weekend in Florida and that he thinks she is bothered by the fact that he drinks a few beers now. He went to rehab for the pain pills he was injecting. He explained that he was loving life again for the first time in a long time and tht he felt fine about having beers and that he learned a lot from the program, etc. I stated that ultimately it didn't really matter what anyone else thought- that what mattered was how he felt about where he was at the moment and with his daily choices. He said he felt good, etc. Said his mom was afraid of what it would lead to. I said that was understandable and that he had to know his danger zones as we all do. He said yes he did and always had, but had chosen to ignore them in past. He said he knew there were drugs everywhere he worked now and that he had even been offered it, but that he had turned it down. I said that was good and that it had been 2 years for me, but that I still had to watch who I was with because I still wasn't sure that I could say no in the right circumstances. He said he wasn't saying he would NEVER do it again, just that he didn't then, etc. I told him that what was important was for him to be aware of his choices and what made him comfortable with the life he was choosing. Anyway, after I hung up, I felt instantly bad and guilty- like maybe I had given him permission to slip or something- validated his choices. I just didn't want to judge or question. I wanted to let him just talk, etc. Now I feel guilty and insecure and messy....
Hi Co dependant, thank u for the post...people will do as they chose not matter what we say..i wouldnt sweat it...i used to think my words had some kind of power lol.......thanks for being here and sharing that.....:)
I know this is a silly question...so you don't think my words do have power to influence? I worry about that alot...saying the wrong thing one way or the other.
I know this is a silly question...so you don't think my words do have power to influence? I worry about that alot...saying the wrong thing one way or the other.
This reminds me of a time when I was sharing with the psychologist that I see about how I feel guilty because I didn't give my husband an ultimatium years ago and stick to it. That perhaps, if I had stuck by my words he wouldn't be in the boat he is in.
The psych took a deep breath and said, "" I hope this doesn't offend you, but you are not powerful enough, not smart enough, . . . to make your husband do anything. In other words, you are not God." (I paraphased this)
That shed some much-needed light on my thoughts and lifted some weight off my shoulders.
So my viewpoint is this: the only way your words could have influenced him is if he accepted them as his truth. It is he that gives your words power, not you.
My viewpoint........... hope this doesn't make you upset. If you don't agree, let it roll of your back.
Please stop beating yourself up!
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Monday 22nd of February 2010 11:18:41 PM
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
No matter what you think you have no control...not matter what you say or do he is gong to do what he is going to do.....I have learned this from experience and of course this is just my opinion but if an addict wants to use they will no matter what anyone else says or does.......
I think..... the three C's work both ways.... you cannot cause his drunkenness, anymore than you can cause his sobriety..... he sounds like he is an A, still searching how he can "kinda/sorta" drink.....
Just my two cents tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Yep, you are powerlessness, as the others have said. But, maybe you're struggling because you need to determine your motive for saying the things you said... ?
When I struggle with confusion, it's usually because there is some fact about reality I don't want to accept. Program pushes for me to be honest. Funny thing is, still to this day, I can believe I am being honest, but I'm really not. To me, it appears you tried to make him jealous with the "deception" about a male friend, and then maybe you were "people-pleasing" for some reason. Perhaps you don't have your feelings sorted out about him... ? The exact nature, may be about dishonesty with yourself, and you may need to get clear about your feelings for him..... ?
Only you would know. Doesn't matter what I think, only matters what you think. Take what you like. ((hugs))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
For me, I have learned that I have an incredibly warped sense of power.
The more I struggle with my own demons, the more I see how incredibly ridiculous it is to think that I can be the factor in a person choosing to change and seek recovery.
It's actually part of my disease I have found, to convince myself that my words have the power to make or break someone. I used to get high off of "being there" and rescuing and being the one who always "hung in there". Through the program I learned to catch myself everytime I had to the urge to preach. I had to remind myself that nothing I said or did would make a difference. I was uncomfortable just not saying ANYTHING, but I learned to say few things and then let go of the outcome.
No, if you could make him use you could have made him stop using. Words are powerful but once said it is up to the hearer to choose what to do with them. He's going to do what he's going to do regardless.
