The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't know why, but I le tmyself sink into the ugliness again. I have been sitting on the pitty-pot for who knows how long (long enough to let my nick expire). Feeling sorry for myself, for my kids, and for my addict. I went into the insanity of my disease, and feeling hateful to him for his disease.
The other night I was sitting next to him and he was again high, and He asked me if I was mad at him and I said no. And then he went on to give me reasons why he got high, and I responded with "You will always have a reason to get high, I just wish for once you could find a reason not to get high." I then spent the next couple hours trying to figure out if what I said was appropriate or not. That was when I realized just how long it has been since I have been to a meeting, because when I work my program I don't say things to him to cut him, or make him feel guilty. If I had been working my program, I would have known if that was truly from the heart or meant to hurt. Now I am not saying that when I am working my program that I never slip and say something to hurt him, but I can recognize what I am doing, and know when to make ammends.
I was brought here tonight because he is out using right now. Not much of a change form the norm, but he disappeared this afternoon, and when he does that it means meth. And instead of ranting and raving I came here to find my serenity. To come home to the family who knows what I am going through and doesn't make me feel like s**t for staying with him. And even better you all don't make me feel like s**t for loving him.
I needed to cry the healing tears, to let out the pain, to stop pretending that it is all okay, because it isn't. Life isn't easy right now. Living with an active addict is horrible. I miss my partner, I miss my friend, I miss my lover. And you all know how this feels. I miss the guy who came home from treatment. I miss the clean addict, but I really miss him workikng his program.
Thanks to all who read this and thanks to those who respond. I truly need help, and I am glad I came home to get it.
Yours in Recovery,
Mandy
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Good to see you again!! Yup, it is hard holding onto our serenity/program at times. I always know when I need to pop in here by how I am feeling or thinking. I know the tools, but I still need reminders, I still need to talk to others who understand and who care. Often I come in needing help and end up helping someone else too in the process. I've been reminded so many times how this is a WE program. I sure can relate to missing the friend, partner, lover. One Day At A Time. Glad you're back. Welcome Home!
Luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
((((((((((((((Dolphin))))))))))) Welcome back home. People here do understand and do not judge for we are in the same situations. I love my addict too and do not want to say things to cut her down etc. I am so sorry he is off doing meth now. My daughter relapsed on her 21st birthday. They struggle so much with their disease. We need to take care of our health and work on our serenity and our program. Back to step one with how we are powerless over the addict and the addiction. If Love could cure them, they would be cured. I hope to see you soon in the chatroom or more here on the message board. It is nice seeing you back. cdb :)
