The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just found this forum and I know it was a blessing that I did. I grew up with an alcoholic mom and I have been with and I am married to a mean alcoholic for 12 years now. We have a 12 year old son and I'm really seeing the horrible effects that it has on him. He is a good kid but I see his frusteration/anger when it comes to his dad. I know I need to be a better mom and get him away from this and me away so we can live a life not a nightmare. As I write you this I heard from his family that his car was impounded because he was pulled over yesterday and did not have a license or insurance...he has a second dui and a couple of months ago he just got his driving privlage back but doesnt have money to get license/insurance but he has money to drink and smoke. Go figure! I'm happy he didn't come home last night because he would have started drinking as always (in hiding) and then fighting bringing up the past and so on. I'm ready to make a change but I'm scarred to loose my home because he makes the bulk of our income. I'm scarred that I will kick him out for good and fall on my face and loose everything and regret not working through things. If anybody has been through something like this will you please share your experience? I'm ready to listen and tke action! Warmest Regards, Hope79
al anon does not involve changing your world over night. I was with an alcoholic/drug addict for 7 years. Getting to al anon did not mean I had to make huge changes right away. Admittely my life was unbearable. I started to learn the tools of al anon, detaching, focusing on myself among others. I got a sponsor that helped immensely. You are in the right place, no one here is going to mandate what you need to do. You can look at what others do, how their lives changed and then try that.
I am glad you are willing to make changes and address the issue. I was in a very very dysfunctional and sick family. I learned how to interact with people from that. I did not know boundaries and learning them has been a very very difficult endeavor.
Three and a half years ago, I took my 3 kids and left my AH. The house sold for about what we owed on it (after 8 months on the market). The kids and I have been living with my mother since then. My ex hasn't been able to hold a job for more than a few weeks.
You didn't get into this situation overnight, and you can't fix it overnight. In Al-Anon, we learn to focus on ourselves and let the alcohol deal with the consequences of their own actions. You'll hear of the three C's: You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. It is a progressive disease, and unless the drinking stops, it can only get worse over time.
This link should help you find face-to-face meetings for yourself and possibly for your son as well in Alateen.
I know the feeling all too well....the strange thing is.....once my husband was gone due to his addictions.....we were ok....the financial aspect is a scary one however.....you will find a way....I did.....it is not easy......but girlfriend it is peaceful...
Keep coming, get yourself some help just for you and then you can help your son. I raised two kids with an addict......they are now teens and the affects still take affect....
I've got no experience to offer about stay/go in your home/life, but can suggest that you stay around here! There are many here who, like us, have worked to improve the quality of life no matter where the A we love is or is not.
It's not an easy program, but very doable. I can offer to you an open heart and a hug and fellowship though, which is what was offered to me when I arrived (and some love and encouragement)!
Try as you can to find the F2F (face to face) meetings. They are awesome and you'll find tons of experience, strength and hope there too!
Glad you're here and have the change be, just for today, take care of you !
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
You are on the right path being here. Try to find face to face meetings you can attend and for your son's sake listen fast and move slow.
My ABF grew up with alcoholism and is damaged due to- mostly his moms reaction to his dad's drinking and her own anger and frustration and her own drinking; I see the direct results of this in an adult everyday and it's not pretty. I mention it all the time because I hope every parent will be able to avoid the hurt I see in him for their children.
You may not need to leave but even if you do leave if you don't use alanon for all it is worth and really try to make changes in yourself, your son may still hurt due to what you have experienced and your reactions. I don't think we stop needing alanon when we leave the Alcoholic. We are still recovering ourselves. Give face to face meeting a real try even if it feels odd at first- which I didn't I felt right at home immediately yet I like some of the personalities at the meetings and some I don't. I care for all of them even if I don't "like" them and so many many of them helped me when I was at a very low low place. There are books that help too. Getting them sober is awesome and then all the other "approved" help.
I loved that when I went to face to face meetings they encouraged me to not make a change until I "healed" a bit first. Then if I still wanted to make a change it would be obvious to me and I wouldn't have those fears about it, I would just know what was right. Getting my head on just a little straighter was awesome for me and I feel better about the decisions I make each day.
-- Edited by glad on Saturday 20th of February 2010 08:35:25 PM
-- Edited by glad on Saturday 20th of February 2010 08:36:22 PM
-- Edited by glad on Saturday 20th of February 2010 08:39:18 PM
Aloha Hope...There is a whole family here pulling for you and your recovery just like we had others pulling for ours. face to face Al-Anon meetings and literature and hopefully an Alateen meeting in the same location at the same time. You are at the door of a miracle when you exercise the courage to change what can be changed. This morning at our Saturday meeting we also welcomed some newcomers who were fearful. They were asked to consider the consequences they would get if they did nothing to change it. They understood clearly.
We support and keep each other in recovery. We care for and love each other unconditionally and now you are in the circle. Almost all of us will at one time or many other refer to a Power Greater than ourselves...a God of our own personal understanding. We come to believe this in our 12 step process starting with the second step just after we admit we are powerless of the situation and that our lives are unmanagable as a result. Get to the meetings and the literature and learn what we have. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Welcome to the MIP Family!!! Looks like you already took action and came here. We are glad you did. Al-Anon will help you get to a better place to make some sound decisions that work for you and your family. It will help you put the focus on yourself and being healthy.
Fear around separation is understandable. Take some time, get to a meeting, nothing needs to be decided today. A clearer understanding of what you are facing awaits along with a group of people who have been there and understand. They have a lot of support to offer without blame or advice.
We too are here for you. We have online meetings you can access at the top of the page.
Please keep coming back.
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
I am assuming that your not attending meetings for yourself , please find Al-Anon for yourself and your son , you need support . I certainly understand your concerns about leaving your marriage , I felt the same way a few yrs ago myself . I chose to give this program a yr , do what it says to the best of my ability ,get my life back on track again and if in a yr things werent better I would leave . I stayed for the reasons u speak of , financial - I could not support our two sons in the manner we were used to , my husb was very succesful in his own business . There was never an physical abuse issues here so it was easier for me to stay in my marriage , verbal abuse stoped when I said enough . the first yr came and went and I was much happier thanks to al anon and the people in it . 2-1/2 yrs later my husb quit drinking , we have 20 yrs sobriety in our home now and life is much different and I continue to go to my meetings . there is a program called Alateen for your son he is the perfect age to start , he too needs a place to share his feelings with out judgment , finding kids h is own age will help him alot he will know that he is not alone . Alot of kids are upset with us the non drinker they think we should be able to fix it , they just don't understand ... alateen will help. I hope u find meetings for your family - wether u stay or go u too need to recover from the affects of alcoholism on your life . Al-Anon does not promise to save relationships but it does promise to return some sanity to our lives . Please take care of you , your worth the effort .
