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I have to get this off my chest. My husband is an alcoholic. He accepts that he is an alcoholic; he embraces the fact that he is an alcoholic; he brags to buddies about how much he drinks. He doesn't think he is doing anything wrong because he still gets up in the morning and goes to work every day. His actions are tearing me apart and he doesn't give a crap and I don't know what to do.
When we met 12 or so years ago, he was a moderate drinker, but I never saw him completely blasted. Over the past year he has gotten worse, and the last few months have been really bad. He drinks 750 mL of whiskey or vodka EVERY night (and that's just what I know about- I find a lot of empty bottles hidden all over the house and car). He drinks so much that he blacks out and is completely trashed- slurred words and staggering-every night. He can't remember anything that happens after a certain point. I have pointed this out to him and even videotaped him (which he totally did not remember), but he doesn't see where the problem is. He is a happy drunk and will only get enraged if I push him too much about his drinking or other issues, so I have learned to leave him alone, which results in copius amounts of alcohol consumption. He will pour a drink that is 7/8s liquor and 1/8 Coke and then do a shot (a shot in a 8 oz glass usually filled halfway up or more, that is).
This past Sunday he really went off the deep end. He drank and entire 750 mL bottle of Jim Beam and several "shots" of vodka. About 10:00 he announced that he was going to bed because he had to go to work the next day. He staggered off to the couch (we have been sleeping in seperate rooms for almost a year because I can't handle sleeping with him anymore when he gets drunk) almost falling several times and slurring really badly. About 2 hours later, I was reading in bed when I heard a large crash and a bunch of other odd noises coming from the other room. I jumped up, afraid that he had hurt himself because he was so wasted. I opened the door, turned on the light and found him in the corner, peeing on the tv stand with the tv broken on the floor where he had pushed it off the stand. I was in shock. This is a guy who is very private about bathroom business and will never even use the toilet without the fan on and the door locked and there he is, drunk as hell, peeing all over the place. And he broke the 32" LCD tv that was only a year old. I have an indelible image of him in that moment that is extremely disturbing and makes me want to vomit when I think about him. He had no idea what he was doing and no memory of the incident in the morning. I told him what he did and his response was, we'll just buy another tv. Oh yeah, with all the extra money we have lying around after his $600+ a month booze habit. He has yet to apologize or acknowledge the incident again and the tv is still sitting where he pushed it off (although I did clean up the urine the next day).
He doesn't see that he has a problem and will not seek treatment of any kind. I have mentioned AA before and his reaction is one of total scorn and negativity. He is very anti-religion and the God aspect of AA is an immediate turn off for him. This alcohol thing pisses me off because he could be such a great guy if he wasn't drunk all the time. I just don't know what to do anymore. I have tried to talk to him, but he doesn't care about my feelings (even mocks them). I don't want our son growing up with a dad like this because he isn't a dad, he is a drunk.
I'm sorry, I just had to tell someone, even if it is internet strangers.
You have come to the right place. Many of us have stories that are creepily similar to yours, including me. On this site we will offer Experience, Strength, and Hope, so that you can learn through al anon how to take care of yourself, separate from the chaos, and make decisions that are right for you and your child. Please continue reading, attend an al anon meeting, and take care of yourself. Others will reply soon. Babysteps
wdiagw, hello there, your storey is not unlike the one I would of written in the past, what I have learnt here since though is, as you have found your efforts to control your husbands drinking are to no avail, I tried for many many years too, I begged, screamed, pleaded , cleared up the mess, pointed out his failings in the cold light of day, for all too many years, and did it help one jot? NOPE, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't change it, what you can do though is, take care of you, find yourself an alanon meeting, read all about alcholism, and when hubby gets totalled leave him to face his own chaos, it's not easy but as you know to your cost it makes us crazy too!
Please don't be sorry we are all here to support one another.
So sorry you are going through this. You have come to the right place. I hope you can also get to some face-to-face meetings. I imagine most everyone here has a similar story -- the alcoholic who is out of control and who insists there isn't a problem. The thing is that unless he is disturbed by his drinking, he doesn't have a problem. As far as he sees it, his life is just fine. But it's the truth that you have a problem, and a very serious one.
I spent years trying to find the thing that would make my alcoholic wake up and see the light. I didn't know the three C's: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.
Al-Anon offers a way to transform your life, whether or not your alcoholic stops drinking (which he can only do on his own time and schedule).
The question I wish someone had asked me is: what would you do if you knew he was not going to stop drinking? If you knew you were going to be living like this two years from now, what would you do?
That's just something to think about -- Al-Anon encourages us not to make any hasty decisions. Learn everything you can about alcoholism. Keep coming back.
Please find Al-Anon meetings in your area , you need support from people who have been where your at , this board is great but nothing like real meetings , youwill be missing so much if you only do on line recovery. There is nothing u can do about him , this is a progressive disease it only gets worse , may I suggest if you have a second bathroom in yor home , leave the next mess for him to clean up , leave the tv where it is vacum arround it . We are enablers , we lie for them , we make excuses for thier behavior to others , we cover up thier messes , until we stop doing for them what theyshould do for them selves nothing will change . You are the only one u have any control over get your life back on track , learn all u can about alcoholism , and recover from the affects of someone elses drinking . This has nothing to do with you , YOU are not the reason he drinks ,regardless of what he maysay . take care of you .
I'm so glad you found this board. Like the others have mentioned, you story is very similar to ours, so you're in the right place.
When I first joined Al-Anon, I was told of the 3 Cs: 1. I didn't Cause it 2. I can't Control it 3. I can't Cure it.
Try to remember that - it has helped me out a lot of the time.
If you can, please try to find some face-to-face meetings in your area. Al-Anon is here to help you, so please use it. And if your son is old enough, then he can go to Alateen.
Al-Anon will not tell you how to get your husband sober - that is his own problem. Al-Anon will help you to cope with the insanity of this disease so you can make the right choices for you and your son.
I could have written this EXACT story, word for word, except I was shocked to discover my normally fastidious and extremely private husband (he also never enters the restroom without turning the fan on no matter what he is doing) urinating in the crisper drawer of the refrigerator.
I too was shocked beyond belief to see my husband urinating in front of me. Not only that, but where he was urinating.
I can so relate to your shock. My husband is SO much like yours, he too was in denial about his drinking since he also was able to get up and go to work each day.
Where our stories differ is that I NEVER cleaned up his drunken messes.
I happened to be awake and working on my laptop when he blacked out and did what he did in the fridge. Thank goodness our daughter was asleep. I was sitting at my work counter when my husband staggered into the kitchen. I had no idea what he was doing as he quitely opened the fridge, opened the crisper drawer, and proceeded to take out all of the veggies in it and place them on the floor. I just watched him, wondering what would happen next. I could have NEVER imagined what would happen next, as he unzipped his pants and began urinating into it. I called out to him, but in his blackout state he did not hear me or acknowledge me. He then slowly placed all of the veggies back into the drawer, closed it slowly, and then went back to bed.
The next morning I waited until he woke up, he behaved as if nothing was wrong. I called my Mom to pick up my daughter and take her out for ice cream, then I told my husband that I needed to show him something in the fridge. He had NO idea. After I opened the fridge I just got too grossed out to do more and told him to open the crisper drawer himself. At that point he seemed to know something was up, perhaps the smell...EEEWWWWWW.
He opened the drawer and the liqued sloshed disgustiningly. I asked him "Do you know what that liqued is in there? You should, since YOU put it in there.". I didn't yell or scream or say anything insulting. He said "I don't know anything about it, but I have a good guess by the smell.". I then just left and went shopping. When I returned I smelled a strong smell of bleach, he had totally emptied the drawer and washed it with copious amounts of bleach. NO matter, from that day on I REFUSED to ever use that drawer again, it was too gross. He just began to use it to keep his beer cold, sigh.
Later, I asked him what he thought about what had happened. He got enraged and began bringing up my faults so I dropped it. At the time I REALLY thought he didn't care, but I was later to find out he cared deeply, he was so embarrassed and humiliated that he secretly began saving up to buy me a new fridge. But I did not know this until years later.
It got worse...
About a year before he stopped drinking, there was another worse incident, this was probably his wake up call. I was asleep and heard things crashing to the floor, somewhat like your story. BUT, the noises were coming from my daughter's bedroom! I ran to her room, I thought someone was trying to break in her bedroom! There was my husband, in a drunken stupor in total blackout. His eyes were actually CLOSED and he was desperately throwing all of her books, dolls, stuffed animals, school books etc. onto the floor from her hope chest. It was clear he planned on urinating INTO her hope chest. I called out to him to stop before he dropped his pants! By this time my daughter had woken up and I yelled for her to turn towards the wall and cover her head with her quilt. She didn't understand what was going on or was about to happen, thank goodness. I kept calling out to my husband and he was in sucha blackout that he didn't hear me. He is a BIG guy, but I just went and sat on the hope chest so he couldn't open it, and at the same time tried to push him out of the room. The effort of trying to open the hope chest with me on it, sort of woke him up enough to cooperate with me pushing him out of the room and into the bathroom, phew!
Still in a blackout, he could not even handle the bathroom and began taking everything out of the bathroom garbage with his HANDS and then he urinated partway in his pants, partway on the floor on all of the garbage, and partway into the garbage.
The site of him, a very handsome man with several college degrees, walking around in a sea of urine and garbage with his bare feet, with wet pants, closed eyes, just wandering around the urine aimlessly still in a blackout was just so revolting I will never forget. Not exactly romantic I can tell you that.
I slept in my daughters room that night, telling her he was sick from drinking too much. We got up early and went to my mom's house and shopping.
When we got home, my husband was scrubbing the cracks in our hard wood floors with a toothbrush and bleach, he was worried that some of his urine had seeped into the cracks between the wood slats.
He was very angry, making excuses for what he did, saying he worked so hard he was "too tired" to get up to use the bathroom, it had nothing to do with his drinking. But knowing that he had almost urinated in front of our daughter must have disturbed him deeply. From that point on he began trying to quit drinking.
He had many false starts and stops, but finally, a year later, quit for good (after 15 years of marriage and DAILY drunken blackouts). He too HATES the idea of AA, and said he will never go. Somehow he quit totally on his own.
He is now one year totally sober.
So there is hope...
All of those years I really thought he did not care, as he would never admit it. He downplayed it, denied there was a problem, and turned the spotlight on me (I can't wake up to use the bathroom like I should since I have to work so hard since YOU don't make enough money, sigh).
He did care, but never shared it with me. He saved up and worked extra jobs while trying to quit and bought me a new fridge, mattress, bathroom floor, and sofa, he replaced EVERYTHING he had ever urinated on. We didn't discuss this, he just said it was time for new for all of those things and told me to start price comparing.
My experience is that he probably does care very much and was just as shocked as you, but won't admit it.
Remember, there is HOPE, oh the irony, people here used to tell me that and I never believed them, LOL. My husband said he would "quit" me and dump me before he quit drinking, LOL. I never thought I would now tell someone else.
I also thinked me finding alanon helped. I am not the enabling type, but I was the "you have GOT to see what you are doing to yourself" type as in telling him. I stopped doing that with alanon. I just ignored the problem, not that it was OK, more like there was nothing I could do to control an adult.
Once I let him be I guess he had to face HIMSELF. When he was no longer standing up to me to keep the right to do as he pleased, he had to see what he was doing to himself.
My husband is still a crazy dry drunk, LOL, but that is better than the constant drunk driving, urinating everywhere, staggering blackouts, and having to stand in front of the steps, bracing myself with the rail, to keep him from falling down the steps trying to go drunk driving for more booze in a total blackout with his eyes actually CLOSED.
There is always hope, keep coming back. Remember, if you clean up his urine messes he won't have to face how low he has gone. I bet my husband had to face a lot of ugly truth about himself while cleaning his own smelly urine out of places.
I admit that I no longer sat on "his" usual spot on the sofa where he urinated, you can't throw a sofa in the washer with bleach so it grossed me out. I never said ANYTHING, or made faces or anything. I just didn't sit there and then bought myself an easy chair that I let the cats sit on, which he hates, LOL, so he never sat on it. Just a sublte reminder to him of who he has become. Perhaps that was why he also bought a new sofa, to match my chair, LOL.
This stuff is not easy to talk about, but I wanted you to know there is hope for your husband, that someone else has been as sick as he and still quit drinking entirely, and without AA too.There are a couple of people here whose husband's got totally sober without AA. It is possible, don't lose hope!
Being a dry drunk is a problem in itself, but that is another issue. Baby steps, perhaps one day he will get the help he needs for that too. I am just grateful for no more drinking in this house, no more drunk driving, and no more urinating on furniture in front of family members!
(((Wdiagw))), your story is so familiar to so many of us here. I can only echo what the other posters have said - you must take care of yourself. If you can find local meeings - do go and you will find so much support. No-one can tell you what to do - you will work that out for yourself - but we can be here for you, to listen and empathise. You don't deserve this so you must do what is right for you. I do hope you will find some face - to - face support. Keep coming back whenever you feel you need to - even if it's just to vent. You are among friends here. You could also try the chatroom and the on-line meetings.
You are certainly not alone in dealing with this kind of issue. The ex A I was with crashed cars, destroyed furniture, destroyed the place we lived in. You name it he did it. I also have not mentioned he destroyed his health (hepatitis among other things).
So certainly you have nothing absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Many of us have lived in utter chaos, confusion, pain and a deep and abiding shame.
You've found a place you can come to and let it all out. I certainly have been for a long long time. You have also found a place where you can learn tools, like detachment, taking care of yourself (no matter what) and making alliances. The people who I have found here have guided me through a journey from self hate to self love. I cannot thank them enough. I am glad you are here. I am sorry for your circumstances. None of us get here because we exactly want to acknowlege our deep pain, problems and overwhelming emotions. Once we get here we find its home.
One of my core suggestions for you is to get a copy of the book Getting them Sober. I can't think of a better resource for getting a perspective.
Welcome to MIP - this is a safe, non-judgmental zone to share, vent, scream and then recover!
Glad you're here - all those above me gave excellent advice, experience and suggestions. Keep coming back!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I witnessed something similar when I was a young teen and later when I found this program I was comforted and ready. Beginner Meetings were the place where I began to understand and verbalize what happened. You are not alone,
Suggestion, when you go to a meeting please look for a Beginners Packet in it are pamphlets and meeting directory/times along with a phone list.
-- Edited by tea2 on Wednesday 17th of February 2010 12:00:44 AM
(((wdiagw))) I'm so glad you found this place. As you see from the posts above we've all been through similar things. Our stories are different yet the same. My A's out of control drinking was making me out of control. I felt hopeless and desperate and alone. This site and the people here have been such a tremendous help to me in the short time I've been coming here. They've helped me take back my sanity and learn to take care of myself first. I still have a lot to learn but I'm getting better little by little. Keep coming back. You're not alone. Pretty soon we won't feel like ¨internet strangers¨ at all.
You have already taken the first step, you are here...and welcome to a place where everyone understands where you are coming from....I am sure we have all been there....
Girlfriend, you can not help him he has to do that himself, and unfortunately the longer he drinks the worse it will get.
Alanlon will give you hope and understanding.....welcome, welcome...if you can not make a face to face meeting near you...they have them here.....please keep posting.....keep coming and learn to take care of you no matter what he does.
