The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Since I found this site I've learned so much. Mostly to take care of me first which includes learning to detach from my AH. I've quit nagging him about his drinking, I don't yell at him or argue about the help I don't get from him. I don't try to make him eat, shower or do anything else. I've let him be even when he goes on binges for 2 or 3 days. But I'm beginning to be seriously alarmed about his health. He started drinking on Thursday and has been drinking or passed out since then. I check on him from time to time because I'm worried that he will drink himself into a coma. He hasn't gotten out of bed since yesterday morning except to go to the bathroom. This is not normal, even for him when he's drinking. I called a friend and got the number of an English speaking doctor in a nearby village. I am going to call and make an appt. tomorrow. AH doesn't like doctors and would never go on his own. But I'm going to insist that he go to see him. I know I can't make him stop drinking but I can and will try to find out if there is some other problem. I think that he is seriously depressed. Is he depressed because of the drinking or does he drink because he's depressed? Which came first, the chicken or the egg? It's also possible that there is something pysically wrong that is being hidden by the drinking. In fact the way he has been drinking lately I'd say it's likely that there is some kind of physical problem. So if this is interfering, or enabling, so be it. I'll get him to a doctor and see what he finds and go from there.
Enabling is doing for someone things that they can do for themselves. It sounds like your AH is incapable of caring for himself right now. So, you are stepping up and helping. That is loving. It sounds (from what you have written) that you are doing this with the motive to get him some help if that is t all possible. Again, that sounds like love and comittment, not enabling.
That is what I saw in your post. Take what you like and leave the rest. Good luck to you both.
Aloha Pineapple...What Free mention is how I learned it many years ago myself when I first got to the rooms of Al-Anon. It's time to call in professional help which your are not and which you need to listen to also so that it helps you make decisions for yourself.
Depression and Alcohol....Alcohol is a chemical depressant. Alcohol causes depression and will exascerbate the condition. Many people have depression...various types and stages. It is widely believed in the counseling field (I use to be one of those people) that alcoholics don't drink because their depresssed they are depressed because they drink the way they do. Many recovering alcoholics (my hand is raised) report that when they get alcohol free their depression either subsides or goes away too. Alcoholism is a compulsion of the mind and an allergy of the body...trying to beat it using the same mind with the compulsion is depressing. Yes to the physical ailments in the same manner as depression. Alcohol is considered a solvent. It will disolve a liver, kidneys, muscles, heart, brain, pancreas and what ever other body part it can soak itself in.
Your alcoholic is in tremendous need of help. Its okay to call for it when the alcoholic is unresponsive.
Thanks freeagain and Jerry. I'm so new to this, I'm still trying to figure out what is the best way to handle certain situations. But that's another thing I've learned here. Sometimes there is no right or wrong, I just have to go with my instinct. And right now that is telling me that there is something going on here besides just the drinking and he needs help right now even if he won't (I think he can't) get it for himself.
I echo what Jerry & Free have already said.... the thing about Al-Anon, is there really are no "shoulds" - just helpful suggestions on what may or may not work.... I have never been told in Al-Anon to do (or not do) anything..... Just gentle love, E,S&H, and the like..... It is one of the beauties of our program...
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
The ex A I was with spent many a day in bed. In fact he spent weeks at a time doing just that. I think that sounds about normal for the alcoholic.
Detaching is tremendously hard work to do. In fact I think its one of the hardest things I have ever tried to do. You can go back to it. Keep at it. Keep posting and keep taking care of yourself.
There is a time when we have to do for others what they can not do for themselves. This is absolutely one of those cases. From your earlier posts is is evident your A needs help. You indicated how you hoped he would reach his bottom. Maybe he has reached his bottom and this was HP's way of telling you to get him the help he needs. This is a case of taking care of yourself first, which allowed you to take care of your A....... and that was the next right thing to do.
Good luck and I wish and pray for only the best for both of you.
You go girl == it is imperative that the doc understand how much your husb drinks , if left up to the alcoholic the standard reply to + how much do u drink in a day ? a couple . It is time to intervene I agree with what others have said , if he continues to drink there is nothing u can do about it but at least you will have reached out to someone .... no guilt is a good thing . Louise
We saw the Dr. at the public clinic where he volunteers one day a week. He talked to both of us which I appreciated because sorry to say, but I didn't trust my A to be honest with him. He asked A if he was ready to stop drinking. A said yes. I'm happy but not too much so because I'm not sure I believe him. But I'm trying to be positive. The Dr. gave me some valium to give A on schedule to help with his withdrawal. (This is his first day with no alcohol in months.) He also gave me his cell phone # in case A has more severe symptoms and needs something more than the valium. We are going to see him again tomorrow at his office (instead of the public clinic) where he can evaluate A more thoroughly. So I'm hopeful that he may have reached bottom and is willing to start recovery. But I'm not holding my breath. Also, I know the withdrawal is going to be extremely tough. I'm just trying to stay positive and get through today. We'll see what happens tomorrow. Thanks to everyone for your concern and good wishes. I'll let you know how it goes.
Aloha Pineapple...keeping you and your alcoholic in my thoughts and prayers. Please get as much information regarding alcohol and alcoholism that you can. You can get a ton of it from the from Medical Institutions and National Organisations like the Marin Organization (alcoholism) and many many more. Look for the information especially on synergy or the multiplying effect on other chemicals when used with alcohol. Ask the doctor about the effect of alcohol on valium and google up the information work up on valium especially under co-use with alcohol. I don't have that information myself and you do have a computer. After he is sober for a while (hopefully that comes about) refer your alcoholic to what you have found out and let him do his own homework.
Pineapple - hugs and prayers for you and your hubbie. You have to do what works for you - it is your life and your program.
You know where to find us - MIP - and so glad you're here!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
