The material presented
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am back! been at AH's side for the past two days, nursing him back to health. oh yes! despite him wrecking the former marital home and destroying a lot of my possessions, and despite my being resolute that i could see no future for us, when he text me in the middle of the night saying he was really ill and needed me..... off i went. And to be fair he was dangerously ill. At one point his blood pressure reached 214/136!!! He spent 7 hours in A&E being treated by the doctors etc. who discovered the new medication he had been given for his gout (by a locum doctor who hadnt read his notes) had reacted with some of the other drugs he takes and made him almost unconcious as his blood pressure had gone through the roof. i was so scared for him. he looked like a small child looking for his mommy. he kept alternating from being grey to bright red and drifting in and out of conciousness. i spoke with the doctor treating him and told him what was going on at home - ie all about the split - and he was very understanding, kind and he said he appreciated what a difficult position i was in but reassured me that this episode was nothing to do with AH's illness. When he was finally released it was on the understanding that he had someone with him for the next 24hrs just in case of a relapse. the doctor gave me some advice on what to look out for and i agreed to take him straight back to hospital if he showed any signs of relapse. he didn't and today i came home. what he did do, which is uncharacteristic of him, is say thankyou. thankyou for being there for me, thankyou for caring, thankyou for being - well - being me! i assured him that although we have parted and are not living together i wish him no harm and in that sort of situation i would readily help him as i would anyone else i know. he asked me why i didnt hate him and my response was simple - because its the illness i hate, not him. he asked me if i would consider going back to him and i said no. he said he hated being apart from me and i told him, very calmly, that as he had chosen to stay with the booze that i couldnt be with him as his wife although i could be around now and again as his friend. he asked me what he could do to put things right between us and my answer? he had to work it out for himself!
the whole episode was scary beyond belief and i truly thought i was going to lose him forever. however he is on the mend and looked much better today. it would have been so easy to go back home yesterday but i reminded myself of the many reasons we split in the first place and going back to my own home was easier than i thought. i can still care for him and help him where appropriate but its different now. i have detatched. i can live my life while helping him through his without getting caught up in the all the nastiness that goes hand in hand with him being an A. i am totally focused on what is right for me and if i feel it is right to help then i will, if not then i wont. i can make choices and the choices i am making now i am comfortable with.
Wow! That is so frightening! I so admire your level-headedness in spite of everything, and how you held on to your recovery and your boundaries at the same time that you were compassionate and loving. You took care not just of him but of both of you.
Beautifully done, Miss Lucy. It is great to watch how approaching people with love and compassion, while detaching and holding boundaries, really works.
Thank you for that wonderful example.
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
So glad that you are back home and were able to do what it takes! I am reminded of a post last week or so where the ODAAT had discussed spending the day doing for another. Any how, I tried then to differentiate between enabling (that which I know to do) and truly helping another in need (that which you were able to do). My efforts to write it up seemed so confusing!
But, this post and share for me explains it and gives a wonderful example too. I'm so glad that his HP gave him the strength to reach out to you and that your HP guided you to be 'of service'.
May he recover from this and reconsider what's important to his life. (((((Hugs))))) to you for what you've been thru and thanks so much for sharing!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
You sound like you have found peace in your life and that you are at peace with yourself. I'm glad your AH is getting better and how well you handled it.
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain.
