The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am married to a dry drunk who acts like a total jerk most of the time. Note to the alanon police, LOL, I didn't call him a jerk, I said he "ACTS" like a jerk most of the time, LOL.
Anyway, LOL...
I have adjusted, detached, and moved on emotionally for the most part, but at times his behavior is so heinous that even I have a hard time not reacting, and just letting him be himself without interfering. At times like these I have declared a "no husband day". The day is to be about ME and ME only (or family and friends who I choose to do things with or for). I even declare my "no husband" day to family and friends when they ask about him. I say "sorry, but today is a NO HUSBAND day, so we won't discuss him". It is like he doesn't exist that day. I pretty much stay so busy making myself happy I don't even think of him, LOL, and I don't give a care to his needs that day. I try to avoid being at home until late, so I can prolong the fun as much as I can.
The goal for a "no husband" day is for me to put the focus back on ME, and positive things in my life that make me happy. Also to concentrate on the emotionally healthy people I have in my life who bring me a lot of joy. It is so easy to forget your many blessings when you are angry at your A. I may go out to eat with family or friends, buy myself some flowers, or make myself a meal I enjoy, sometimes all three! LOL! I don't do this resentfully, I dont' buy myself flowers all of the time wishing he bought them for me, he would probably get it wrong anyway, LOL. I buy the flowers that I like when I see those I like, and am glad that I can buy what I like and makes me happy.
My husband requires that I cook dinner and keep the house clean, he requires this all of the time, whether I work more hours than him or not, but currently, I am between jobs so I don't mind doing it. On "no husband" days I cook dinner, only they are all of MY favorites, not his. I clean alright, but I clean my sewing room only, or my room to relax in there, so I have a dust free clean and sparkling fresh smelling retreat all to myself. I LOVE cute stylish jammies and have quite a collection now, and I put on my faves and do WHATEVER I WANT, even if it is laying in a bubble bath or sleeping, or watching TV.
The next day I am refreshed, and decide if I need another "no husband" day to deal, LOL. Curiosly, after a couple of "no husband days" he often can manageto behave somewhat normally, so they seem to do us both good.
It has helped for me to confide in a few close friends and family about my "no husband" days as they often can see them coming and assist me in planning fun stuff for us to do. My friend was over one day, heard my husband screaming at me and said "hmmmmm, I think tonight is going to be the start of a "no husband" day, so come on over! LOL.
For those of you who celebrate Valentine's Day, I suggest that you really work on doing things that make YOU happy, and don't wait for someone else in your life to mess up and get you the wrong stuff anyway, LOL. Get some new jammies that you like and that FIT YOU. Buy the chocolate creams or truffles that YOU like, get it right the first time and have a good old time.
Rather than being resentful that someone in your life did nt buy it for you, be glad that you can buy them for yourself, because you can get exactly what YOU want and really enjoy it!
My last piece of ESH, remember, Valentine's Day is just a commercial holiday meant to induce people to SPEND SPEND SPEND out of guilt and obligation. Being a puppet on the strings of the retail industry does not prove your real feelings for anyone. Try to remember this when you see the gorgeous displays in all of the stores, it is just a money making ploy trying to sucker people into parting with their hard earned cash.
The way a person really shows they love you is how they treat you everyday, day in and day out, that is what really counts, not forking over hard earned dough on a certain day of the year just because Hallmark tells you to.
what a fabulous way of coping.... a no husband day! - now that is detatchment at its finest. good for you! reading through a lot of the posts i think some people have difficulty working out how to carry on loving someone while being detatched. an excellent post that explains how the two can go hand in hand!
I never buy my wife chocolates on valentine's day or give her flowers just because it's valentine's day. jeez. Sure it was neat to pass out Be My Valentine notes when I was 11 years old but I've outgrown that a bit by now. I'll make dinner, perhaps a decadent dessert, light a few candles, put rose petals on the bed, maybe hire a mariachi band, nothing out of the ordinary for a Sunday with the woman I share my life with. After all, when it comes to gratitude its better to show than to tell.
(Ok, the mariachi band might be hard to find on short notice. fortunately we have a cd player.)
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If you want something you never had before, then do something you never did before.
Oh MP, I love this idea! and agree with you whole heartedly about v-day, it is a "hallmark" holiday designed to get us to spend. I love the idea of buying yourself what u really want but even if u dont have money ~ you can still do exactly what YOU want and make it an empowering day about loving YOU and practising self love and care. Rock on sister, way to work it!
-- Edited by kitty on Saturday 13th of February 2010 07:41:29 AM
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thanks for sharing your ESH and your plan for the no husband day! I truly enjoy hearing about you taking care of you! I keep hearing it and I keep practicing it, so more examples of the 'how' helps me to see how OK it is to put me first.
Your no husband day reminded me of something I implemented a while back. As the cook, cleaner, etc. in the home, I defined and implemented - YOYO - You're on Your Own. This was originally a strategy I deployed for dinner/meals which is expanding a bit since I arrived here.
So - between a no husband day and YOYO - I bet I can truly work hard to be a better me in my home environment. My AH is also a dry drunk and/or a closet user who thinks I don't know. Therefore, I feel I live in a Jekyll/Hyde movie - never certain which personality will appear at any time of the day.
(((((MP))))) - thanks for sharing and gr8 to see you able to put the ME first principal in action.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
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