The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This has been talked about on this board before but it is now imminent and I am feeling increaslingly sad. AH and I met on Valentine's day 40 years ago. He gatecrashed a party I held with fellow flatmates. I got talking to him at the end of the evening, he asked me out and the rest, as they say, is history. We have always celebrated Valentine's day and this year should be really special - but what do we have to celebrate? He spends 90% of his time in bed, swigging brandy from the bottle and smoking.
Sorry to be depressing but Sunday must be a poignant day for more than just me. How to cope?
Do something special for yourself - plan a wonderful day. If he gets out of bed and wants to join you, then great. But be prepared to enjoy your day on your own. Go to your favorite restaurant, see a movie that you want to see, pamper yourself, etc.
My AH couldn't bother to get out of bed last Mother's Day, so I took my son out to the breakfast that all 3 of us had planned to go to. My son and I still had good time and MY day wasn't ruined.
I too, began dating on Valentine's Day. The day was one we celebrated each year with some sort of special 'us' time. After our seperation/divorce...I found it a lonely and painful 'upcoming' day...this day for 'love' and 'lovers'. During the time of our seperation and throughout our divorce - ONE commercial continued to come on what seemed like every channel on Television - 200 or so of them? (I swear it was all of them!)....'HE WENT TO JARED'S!'....so many times I wanted to bash that Television set into little pieces because it reminded me of 'Love' and 'Lovers'.
I'm getting better...after 4 years...I just yell at those commercials now - make some sarcastic comment or temporarily change the channel to those who express their Love for the love of their life - who is in their life, on the wonderful Not so reality TV.
Now, I try to remember that I want to love ME...that I am special too, that I am worthy of some nice chocolate, or a pretty floral plant at the store when I am out and about on this day of all days. When I get home, I Cook "ME" a good meal - one that is enjoyed throughout the cooking process, and eating process. I rent or borrow a real scary or silly movie and eat popcorn or a special treat of a hot fudge sundae while I watch this "BAN on LOVERS and LOVE" Movie. I take a shower with some nice smelling Body Wash, and sing in to my hearts content...any song that has courageous or strength reminder words....I usually fall back on my old stand-by's of - Carly Simon - "I Haven't Got Time for the Pain" or that song "I Will Survive!". I put some special perfume on after the private bathing show and slip into some nice comfy "ME" pajama's or some old ratty something that I KNOW would not look enticing to anyone but me. I read in bed until I fall asleep - something that I was not allowed to do when I was married, as the light kept him awake (so he said, as I lay there hearing his drunken mumbles and snores). I do everything that seemingly urked him - just to remind myself that I CAN...now! For ME, for MYSELF, for I...deserve to learn to love ME, to grow to Love ME, to give ME what I believe I am worthy of.
Fake it til you make it, they say...and I have for 4 years, and am getting better as I focus on ME and how I want to treat myself, and what makes ME feel special ...for ME, by ME....because I am learning that I am worth it...and I am slowly learning that I can love myself - a little at a time...one day at a time.
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...He compared his weathered hand to mine and said, ... GROWTH OF THE MIND AND HEART are the best offers you can give.my Grandfather (Keeper of Stories), to me
I'm looking forward to this valentine's day but no more so than I look forward to another day of peace and contentment spent with my wife. We are both A's but neither of us are each other's A if that makes sense. If you read some of my other posts here you might understand that.
I suppose there are other dates in each year when we each have memories that are painful, but we have learned to cast off the burdens of the past and the anxieties of the future by trying to live in the present, a day at a time. By trying not to dwell on the negative moments in our life and trying to focus on the positive, even those painful times can become easier to bear. As has already been shared, do something nice for yourself on Sunday. After all, happiness really is an inside job.
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If you want something you never had before, then do something you never did before.
I heard something recetnly in relation to the death of anniversary - the person said - it is not the date itself that has meaning - it is the memories associated with it that are relevant to us. Read Mary Poppin's post - a me day - and make the day about YOU and loving YOU. Take extra special care.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
(((((Tattyhead))))) - hugs to ya! I don't have much else to offer except that for me, a great book is a gift! Whether it's about recovery, the program or a good novel - it's a great me thing to do.
I've always loved to read and lost the 'time' to do so when I was consumed with all around me. As I've worked on me, I've found the time again to read and am truly glad to have picked it back up.
May you find 'YOU' things to do for this coming Sunday! I tend to not make a huge deal about the holidays - those with more time in this program always told me that it's just another day. If I expect nothing, and approach as just that, I end up with a good day behind me when I talk with my HP.
Be gentle with you, take time for you and do extra special things for yourself - every day! You are worth it!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I only had 1 day a year that was a reminder. What I did is turn it and celebrated the good about us. I honored us. I would even take it off work and go where we met. It always turned out to be a beautiful day.
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
I didn't meet my A on valentine's day but we have always celebrated it, usually went out to dinner and always exchanged small gifts, a book or CD. I know there will be no dinner or gifts this year because AH is in third day of his latest binge. But I was at the market this morning and bought myself some flowers. Made plans to go to a barbecue in town with a friend tomorrow. I will make him a card, but I'm going to spend tomorrow focusing on me. I hope you can do the same.
